19th December

 Meh.

After saying I didn't feel too bad yesterday, I promptly went downhill, felt shit for most of the day, and ended up having one of those blank goddamn days.

A blank day.

Where I spend a large chunk of it sleeping. Against my will. And unable to do shit when I am not sleeping. Without feeling ill, super tired, sick, etc.

Sigh.

So I didn't do shit yesterday. Which is very frustrating. Work, work. Here's a day off. Oh, but unlucky you, you get to entirely waste it by sleeping and feeling shit.

Meh.

Seems like a raw deal. Ho well.

I am. Feeling a bit better today.

Ha ha ha. We shall see if it sticks. I really must start writing shit down, about what I am doing, what I am eating. The CFS people on 10th December said I should probably do that. I always kick myself when I have particularly bad days that arse, is there a pattern.

I don't think there is a pattern tbh. But. Arse.

Moving on.

I'm in a fuzzy place this year. Which had been developing for a few years now. And probably started around 10 years ago. That whole. Expansive love thing. I love a lot of people. I have a sense of warm glowy happy huggy feelings about My People. And do not like to see them in pain. Or struggling. Or anything.

But there's also a bit of a problem. I am not labelling it or defining it. Not putting it in any socially accepted pigeon holes, and its.. slightly tricky to work around.

It's not a big problem. And in some ways it's a nice problem to have. But I am finding there are not cut offs on a sliding scale between, relationships of type A, and relationships of type B and blah. The upshot of which is. I am attracted to lots of people. And just wanna spend time with them, and be close, and be down for anything.

Which is not how society works.

There are rules. And etiquette. And boundaries. Husbands, wives, girlfriends, boyfriends, social etiquette rules, expectations.

In a way it's exhausting. So many rules.

I play by those rules. But it's not me. The switch is off. But increasingly, instead of just being zen with that switch being off, I am aware it's off. A bad sign. 

Perhaps when all is said and done, it's just me craving getting close to people. Which. I think we've already clearly established that I really like doing, and love all my friends and yada.

Perhaps I am just being a selfish dick. But. Once again, I think I don't super well fit into this world. It would be nice if we could just all.. be happy... no jealousies. No self conscious defences. Just. Be happy. Sit. Talk. Hug. Hump. Cry. Laugh. Whatever level you're at. No labels. No strings.  I suspect it would do *everyone* a huge amount of good. Also pretty much impossible unless everyone got a way more zen mindset and was able to work on a bunch of insecurities. Very hard ask. Don't get me wrong. I am not talking about some theoretical easy come easy go, no commitment thing. You just wanna be a playerrrrr. Farrrr from it. The opposite in fact. Be there for people. Help. Support. Listen. Don't abandon people. But rather. Don't jealously guard people. Don't get stuck into those ideas of pre-determined relationships. Pre-determined lines. Stuck in ruts you no longer want, or enjoy, that even give you pain. Shift. Grow. Ebb and flow. Be happy. No jealous guilt. No twisting of knives. Sigh.

I get it.

This kind of thinking is not a social norm. There should be stark boundaries. Not airy fairy nebulous volumes. People should stick in their lanes. They should not share beyond correct etiquette rules. And there is hell to pay if you do.

Who made those stupid fucking rules. Its a setup for misery over time when those things inevitably change. Because people. And situations. And the world. Are forever changing. The one thing that doesn't change, is that change always happens !

Stupid fucking set ideas of behaviour. Religion has a lot to answer for here. A lot of control of womens sexuality, thought and friendships throughout the ages.

That being said. I think the modern world is slowly melting as far as social constructs go. The younger generations have never been so far away from old school ideals like marriage, and one dude one gal makes a family kinda thing. And women are increasingly being emancipated, although it's still a pretty rough ride. A lot of those arbitrary patterns are being challenged or just ignored - which is I think good. Despite what the church may tell you about the moral decline of society ( which is just a haughty way of whining that people are no longer listening to 2000 year old rules about how women should behave and that you should pay all your money and worship at the feet of dudes in funny robes ).

Again don't get me wrong here ripping up all the conventions. A bunch of those exist for good reasons - its not all just shitty dudes inventing rules to give themselves an easy life. And for some people these conventions are their zen. But I  do wonder how much of that is conditioning. Or covers a sense of insecurity - there is much security and stability that can be had from knowing someone else is tied to you. For good or ill. But life is hard. Growing is hard. And sometimes it's easier just to fit into the pattern. Even if it gives you some level of pain. How many people stick in relationships that they have no joy in ? How much time is lost ? Grief caused ? Where is the line for sticking at something, and trying to fix things, and getting stuck in a rut.

I dont know. I think arbitrary boundaries have an *awful* lot to answer for. Stifling friendships. Squashing support networks. Causing sexual hangups, insecurities and co-dependencies.

Bottom line I think I have definitely turned into more of a hippy. Just be you. Do no harm. Hug who you like. Comfort who you like. Be friends with who you like. Hump who you like.

I've also always been verrrrryyyyy iffy with abritrary societal judgements. Don't wear that ! Wear a suit and tie for work ! No sex before marriage ( this is pretty much dead now right, except for nutcase US religious groups where it gets... fudged - if you dont know what it is, and want a NSFW laugh, go look up what "soaking" is for Mormons ) ! I am the first in line to call arbitrary conventions bullshit. Thou will wear the special hat of holiness !

Dude. You have a stupid oven glove on your head ? I mean go to it if it makes you happy and is your choice. But if someone is saying you have to wear it. Because. No reasons. Just do it. Yeah. Fuck that.

I guess this makes me a bit of a fundamental rebel. Everything is up for question. Everything gets scrutinised. Does this make sense ? No ? Ok are you doing it for fun ? Also No ? Then fuck that. Not everything has to make sense. One beauty in life is to do the ridiculous. Or the thing that just gives you joy. That's more than OK. Doing something because some nonsensical rule told you so on the other hand, or you're trapped in some fucking pigeon hole of misery. Yeah. No.

This puts me on something of a collision course with a lot of conservative ( with a small c ) ideals. Who do like holding onto their bullshit voodoo practices for no good reason, or sometimes just reasons along the lines of - because it gives power to old dudes. See most religious diktats enforcing a womans place and or behaviour. And also puts me on a collision course with a lot of societies quirky bits. But. 99% of the time I just shut up.

Sometimes. I'd just like to cuddle whoever whenever however. Ha ha.

Perhaps that's one of the reasons I love dogs so much. There is no judgement there. No bullshit. No artifice. No fucking games to play, jealousies, rules, boundaries. I'mma snuggle with my pup.

And somedays you sleep in a pile. It's warm. It's comforting. It feels safe. All for one, one for all. There is a sense of peace. Listening to the breathing. The snores. The fidgets. It is deeeeeepppppllllly calming.

Oh. My pups are now sleeping with you ? S'all good. I am happy you're all in a warm happy pile.

I personally think this is hardwired into our biological feedback. Sleeping in a dogpile. It soothes the primitive brain. All is safe. All is good. The many are stronger. We all have each others backs.

I think it's screamingly missing in our modern lives. Separated. Living in our isolated boxes. Chatting on our even more isolated devices. We are a pack animal. We can cope with not being a pack animal. But it is not good for us. It makes us anxious. And jumpy. And unhappy. And unfulfilled. And miserable.

So. I think that whole quiet experience and philosophy of the dogpile has now bled out into people for me.

But perhaps, when push comes to shove, I am just tired of being on my own. It's not that simple though. I think I am missing... a clan. Heh. Something. A good deal less civilised, less rules based, and more.. zen.

Super bottom line.

I am finding it slightly more tricky to translate where I am, into societally correct boundaries with people. Regardless, I keep my mouth shut. Don't rock the boat. Just enjoy the glow from afar.