21st December

 Work work, busy busy, ill ill.

Nausea has been sliding in and out regularly through the days. Meh. It really makes me feel entirely ill - it's not just nausea, its nausea +. And my eyes are blacking up nicely again. 1 step forward, 1 step back.

I am convinced I am just slow circling the drain. Something will pop. Then the docs will at last say, oh, you have X. Too late now. Or some shit. You can see it coming.

Put in a couple of pretty full days last couple of days at work. Got stuff done. S'all good. But any work interactions are now just an annoyance. And just blatant examples of some kind of dysfuction or other. How do you do this. How does that work. Whats your login.

Stand on your own two feet.

Or not.

As time passes. I am not so sure the biz will stand without me. It will have to drastically alter I think. Or slowly sink. I can't see people adapting that fast, that well. Who knows. Fear and panic is a great motivator.

Poor Athena has been cooped up for several days. Either too busy and or too ill to take her out. She's ok, old lady is comfy at home. But she does enjoy her walks. Took her out this evening for a walk in the dark. Was alright. By the time we got home I felt like utter shit. Weird sensation in chest. Vague nausea. Dizzy. Woozy. Painful single prickles stabbing in random places. Yeah. So normal. Not. Sigh.

Think I might start easing down as of tomorrow, see what little loose ends of work there are, but not do much. A lot of stuff has been batted back to clients to either test, figure out, or update specs on, and to be honest, they seem to have already packed up making any progress. So. Eh.

Ares has been on my mind a lot of lately.

Like a broken record I go back and repeat, and relive his final moments.

It kills me still. That final bonk. Final sigh. The light that went out of him.

The most brutal thing I've witnessed.

And it haunts me. Proper. Hardcore. Traumatic. Haunts me.

I watched my best friend tap out. At my order. Not his choice.

Sometimes I almost forgive myself. I understand. It makes sense. Time would run out at some point anyway. And I know. That makes sense.

On the other hand. It was me. I gave the ok. My responsibility. My doing.

I miss him dearly. It hurts a lot. Still.

I thought about him a lot whilst walking Athena in the dark. How we were missing one part of our trio. How more lonely it felt without him. How I was lesser.

And now I am running on fumes myself. Always ill. It so feels like I am just ghosting, not really here since Ares went. I should have gone with him.

Oh well.

As ever. Just wait. And wait. Feel ill. Shit. Wait. Until something becomes so obvious the shitty medical multiple choice check sheet finally picks it up.

What an existence.

Positives.

I guess I am due off work for a while to rest. I can't feel it though. I feel flat. Sad. Ill. I would honestly just rather die, given a free and easy choice. No red pill or blue pill. Just the black pill.

I am ok with it. My mindset is of someone slowly failing out. Slowly fading. That's ok. It's not a nice fading out. Pretty shit. But it could be far worse. So. Eh. A large part of me is kinda planning for only a short term future. I don't think any questions after 2 years are relevant at all. And to be honest. I think 6 months is open for debate. But we shall see. Who knows how things may go. And I've written myself off so many times this year. Just linger on. Ho hum.

So. No positives for today. 

Time to roll up in bed, and try and soothe the sickness away.

I've become intermittent with my mental meds. Just. Busy. Time is floating by. Ill. Busy. Doesn't. Seem important. Don't. Really care.

Hum ho. I should get back regular with them. Losing the will to be bothered. Not so good. Eh well. Fuck it. Bollocks to it.