24th December

 It's too early to determine what today will be like.

I feel not too bad at the moment. But. Eh. Like British weather, it changes in a moment.

Rudely awoken by the (dustman) postman this morning ( park life reference for bonus points ). He was dropping off some hardfoam I ordered quite some time ago. I have a plan to make some custom inserts for game pieces ( my 6mm custom pieces ).

As I tripped around the house afterwards I was left with a lingering sensation that I had been doing something "good". Eh ? What ? And then memories of the dream I had been having came back. Oh. Yes. That.

I was in an alternate England. Kind of the same. Kind of not. Not threatening or weird or anything kooky. Just. Different. I was in London. With an old friend I haven't seen in 25 years. Shadowing them in their job. He was some high up government worker. I don't know. But part of it we traipsed through the trappings of government - it wasn't the houses of parliament, but some alternate kind. Similar kind of old school stuff but in a different form. The detail was pretty phenomenal to be honest. We did this and that. But we also seemed to be helping people. A teacher move into low income housing. A couple at the bottom of the society pile struggling with their family.

Everything was alternate. Not unreal. Just slightly different. And moved forward in time. 20 years in the future perhaps ( the bulk of people had less money, housing was tighter, the fading of hope had started to accrete towards a modern return to some Victorian era societal norms, a downturn in conditions wasn't just a theory anymore, but an accepted reality. The myth of the ever upward trajectory in the modern era had finally been popped. )

Maybe that's the "real" world eh, and this one is the dream. As the old poem / thought experiment / ideology goes. 

Are you a man dreaming of being a butterfly, or a butterfly dreaming of being a man - Zhuangzi. 

The whole thing did leave me with the lingering notion I had been in an alternate or future reality. It was all uncannily real. No dream like kookiness.

That world didn't seem any better than this one. Just another variation of the same. What a depressing thought. All worlds are as crap as this. Ha ha.

Anyway. You should never ( rarely ) share your dreams. They always come across as incredibly boring and meandering. The epitome of You Had To Be There. Despite knowing this. I sometimes do. Because what is part of life if not ignoring what's sensible or something you know to be true.

Finger guns. Thumbs up.

Change of topic ( ish, Hazel appeared in the dream doing something.. bad.. and I started to think about her ) .

I had an imaginary conversation in my head, talking to Hazels dad about Hazel. It's a conversation I have imagined before. Because it's something I consider not to be that far fetched of a scenario. So. As I do. Always 10 steps ahead. Plotting all possibilities. I work out the conversation before time.

This, by the way, is half the reason why I seem like I am an arse know it all. And can argue the legs off a donkey. Already done the homework before even getting into the situation. And if it's not abundantly clear by now, I spend a phenomenal amount of time "in my head". I don't recommend it. I recommend the opposite in fact.

The problem here is that, by and large, Hazels Dad doesn't really know Hazel. He loves her ( although Hazel would argue buts about that, particularly neglecting her for a good chunk of life - but it's very clear to me that he does ). But he doesn't really know her. And singularly fails to understand or acknowledge her difficulties and realities. This is not entirely his fault. This is also down to Hazel basically avoiding it. Not getting him involved. Partly because she is largely avoidant of the (presumed) lack of understanding and shitty response she'd get ( and has got in the past when getting close to such things ). Which is fair. They have in the past fallen into the same old tired neuro typical trying to grok a neuro divergent response tree. Just cheer up. Don't be like that. Can't you just be normal. etc Or the hilariously good in Hazels case - can't you just find normal peope to be with The other reason she avoids it, is the entirely unstated, not talked about, fear. Fear of rejection mostly. Hazel has the most enormous rejection/abandonment fear demon inside her. Arguably dwarfing everything else. But anyway. I digress. On its surface, she doesn't want to hear shit patronising glib advice like "just cheer up".

Why. Of course. In the same way that you can "just stop having the flu". Or deciding not to have cancer.

Yeah. No.

So in the end. Despite, let's be brutal here, Hazel hurting pretty bad all round life wise, her Dad ends up on the periphery. Not really helping. Dipping in and out when the mood arrives. And being more of an irritant than a salve. Although. In Hazels case. You have to work phenomenally hard to even begin to approach being a salve. A lot of hardened cynicism, anger and trauma to get through.

So. It's one of those conversations. The difficult art of giving a neuro divergent context to a neuro typical without them ever having any context. Like trying to explain colour to a blind person.

Tricky.

I have at this point in life, largely given in to the idea that neuro typicals will never understand neuro divergents. It's just that simple. As I succintly put it. You're either in the club. Or you're not. ( and beyond that I feel a little tug about people in the club should stick together ). It's not impossible to teach to non club members. Well. Arguable. Perhaps it is impossible. Lets say instead, it's possible to teach to a point that is helpful. An understanding if not grokking. An idea of how to behave if not a therapist. An empathy if not understanding. That kind of thing. You may not be a native German. Or ever be fluent in German. But you are aware Germans exist. And how they talk and go about life maybe quite different to what you're used to. And their reality aint yours. No train stations in Germany. Just Bahnhofs. "have you tried just being English" then comes across as pretty fucking stupid if not outright insulting and stinking of some aspect of bigotry ( bigotry.. about mental health... gasp.. I'm shocked.. shocked. Well. Not that shocked ).

The "club" is surprisingly "big tent" and covers just about all variations of crazy or different. I think all it really comes down to, is not so much the specifics, but rather the bigger picture of understanding that Shit Can Be Very Different, Reality is Very Subjective and the key thing "Dealing with Perpetual Suffering".

In short, people can be caught in their own hell you cannot see and suffering like a mother fucker. Whether the hell is cold or hot, dark or overbright isn't super important. Being in hell is the pertinent point. Of course, some of the hells overlap a lot. Which is also useful. Know Thy Enemy - Sun Tzu and all that.

Eh. I am going to cut this short here. I have waffled enough on crap. And a conversation has come up in the meantime and made me horribly sad. ( grief ).

Meh.

Christmas tomorrow. And like so many years before it, it feels like nothing of the kind. Just another day of suffering. Ha. Sigh. In any case. Wherever you are. And whatever timeframe you're reading this in. I hope you have a good day. And if it is Christmas. Then I hope it's full of good things, and for one day at least, you can leave all the shit that you may have at the front door, and forget it exists.

I will leave you with one thought plucked from my imaginary conversation. A variation on the theme of you don't know what someone is going through.

"That person is engaged in the most difficult terrifying fight of their life. A fight that you ofen cannot see. And possibly can't even aid in. A fight that is about their very existence. Life and Death. At times all their energy and essence will be sucked into that fight. It may never let up. Every day. Exhausting. So. Be kind at the very least. Understand when they don't seem to react the way you think they should. If you could see them, desperately clinging to a line suspended above the black fires of hell - you would understand immediately. So just remember that. Someone screaming for help into the void, unheard. Be patient. Be kind. Help where you can. Stand with them when you can do nothing else."