11th Jan

 A really challenging couple of days of being at times horrifically ill, with periods of somewhat better in between.

It's fucking with my head. I am at points getting so ill - unable to think, stagger up the stairs to bed, just survival mode - that it's again making me worry I am not getting out of this alive.

Ho hum.

Thenakfully the nausea has subsided somewhat. Not entirely. But way less offensive. Overall I feel super fragile at my best, and a write off at worst. Mehhhhh.

Eating does sometimes seem to be quite a trigger - I can feel like garbage after eating. I checked my blood sugar the other day in case some dreaded diabetic monster had finally decided to heave me to its bosom, but, my sugars read rock steady normal. Excellent in fact. No peaking. No troughing. Stable.

Who knows what it is. CFS innit. Covid post damage innit.

Uh huh. Super unsatisfying answer.

Pfffft.

Still. Today I have fared a little better. Little. Where you fear to make any kind of misstep that brings back the severely ill. What do I do. Take this. Dont take this. Eat that. Dont eat. Sleep. Dont sleep.

Jesus.

Turns you into a nutcase.

See above.

As I very slowly start to get my marbles back I have started to think about the whole game making plans again.

I am definitely waiting until I feel better at this moment. That's absolutely no brainer sensible. Hopefully by next week I will be, if not well, then operable, and I will start thinking about it properly.

At the moment I am contemplating either going down to 3 days a week of work, or 2 days a week. And probably 2 to be honest. Not sure how Andy will react to that. I think 2 days a week represents a best in the circumstances compromise. Gives me bare bones money, enough to keep on going at a fairly reasonable living rate, whilst giving me more time to do games.

That being said. The timescales worry me. Supposing a 2 man year project. Then. If you say I am working 2 or 3 days a week on it. Lets say 2.5 to split the difference. That makes it a 4 year elapsed time project. Thats crazy long. Too long. I don't know. Even if you bust it out fast and say it's a 1 man year project - doable if early access perhaps - that would still take an elapsed time of 2 years. Better. But. Eh. I think I am running a real risk here of failing before I start because I am just not focused on it enough. Always the original problem.

But you know what. Maybe that's ok. Positive steps and all that. This is a positive planning step, and at some point if I would like to or feel the need to sprint for a finish, I can go full time on the game, and drop paid work entirely. That option is always open. And if not. Well. Then I get to explore a bit more of lifes possibilities instead. No bad thing.

Given how I've been the last few days, it has also more than crossed my mind that I just wont be well enough to pull a lot of work off. Which was always a risk. I think busting my work schedule down may just be good for my general health period, if nothing else. Forget doing games and shit. Winding down a bit seems sensible, particularly if you agree with the pessimistic outlook that I am not improving but getting worse, or, am on a very finite timeline etc. Smell the roses a little more before carking it eh ?

In any case, I'm pretty adamant that I will be taking no help, financial or otherwise, from my friend at this point. The fact is I can do it on my own - I don't need his help. Don't get me wrong, it would have been great to do that, and do something together, and eminently easier all round. But it's not a must have thing. And given the circumstances. I feel like I have zero trust there anymore. I'd rather build on something that was a known factor to me, than betting shit on something I can't see, have to guess at, and could flip at any point. And you know what, maybe it's better this way. I don't have to babysit potential problems. I can fulfil whatever potential I have. And I can get others involved or not as I see fit. Which sounds very good to me.

Eesh. I hate that how well I feel majorly impacts my positivity and capability. I guess that's just life though.

There are points in the last couple of days I have had the perception of life and everyone else getting on and doing their shit... and I can't. Stuck outside the window looking in. Realising that life continues on without you whilst you are brought low. Meh.

I think I am having some difficulty again reining in my brain compared to what my health allows me to do. My brain is push push push. But I can't sustain it. Much to my endless frustration. Learning to slow down is.. proving hard. It's not how I am wired.

Eh well.

Feeling a little more positive again today. As I slowly start to feel better, I slowly start to imagine a different place than just being in a pit of misery.