13th Jan

Not too bad yesterday. My first day without feeling like absolute garbage.

Huzzah.

On the other hand, I have cut down my eating to minimal.

Whilst I do get issues from not eating, I find, on balance, the not eating issues are way better than eating issues.

Uh huh.

Anywho, my missive was sent to the GP, and awaits their busy attention. We are busy doing emergency rollouts of vaccinations they say. It's going to take us longer !

Hmm. Surely for nurse type things ? But everything else ? The GPs do not administer injections.

*scratches head*

Anywho. It appears GP services have gone from bad to worse, or, non existent. Seems about right. Someone I chatted to a couple of days ago said they couldn't get an appointment at all - and they were in the midst of a full on mental health meltdown. Ho hum. My passing advice was to get a friend or an advocate to push for an emergency appointment. It very much sucks to be at that stage, but, there it is.

Have nailed a bunch more work over the last couple of days. Good progress. Some nasty bits, not nothing person on person frustrating. Which is nice. Also kept our learning dev on track. So. All good. Performing above expectatons time wise. Not sure what's going on with work. Since Christmas it has been mostly peace and light. Not complaining. Just. Out of character. Ha ha.

Had a chat with my brother yesterday, updated him about the whole work situation. Explained my plans, still had a very positive feeling about it all. He thought that whilst negotiating my downsizing of work commitment I should make it clear my options were to walk away entirely. Just be straight about it. Which is definitely an option. Not sure how much that would freak Andy out however. But eh.

Priorities. Get better. Rearrange work. Do games. And stuff.

And today I'm feeling better. But. Careful, careful, tip toe, don't do anything to upset the frail constitution. Meh. So. No pushing. Rest. Conserve. Be zen.

Not heard from friend. No surprise.

On mulling it over this morning I realised that this was his usual pattern for dealing with difficult situations. In the past - with exes - he typically withdraws, make as few decisions as possible, and waits for everyone else to make a decision for him or get pissed off with him or yada. To an insane fault. It's crazy. And I've talked about it with him before. Retreats into a ball of nope. In a way its a massive retreat from responsibility - regress to child, dont wanna make any decisions or have that responsibility on my shoulders, you do it ( this is a popular refrain of his where he doesnt want responsibility ( or consequences of his behaviour ) - nothing I do should be able to effect you dealio ). It has in the past really fucked up things for him. But. It is how he is. Whilst only having seen it second hand before - this time I get to see it first hand. And it is quite.. dysfunctional. I can see why he has pissed off so many women in his life.  

I am beginning to see just how deep that flaw goes. On reflection. Maybe I am the more sane one out of the two of us. Ah ha ha.

As times passes I am more sanguine about it all. I am slightly.. sad... is not the word.. but.. sigh... about finding out just how wobbly and loony tunes my friend is. He was one of the few.. mostly... normal people in my life. "normal". I am good with crazy people. They don't worry me much at all. But. I don't do so well with crazy people that are self conflicted about it, unaware of who they are, act out, have bad coping mechanisms etc. Good with crazy. Not so good with.. eh.. at the very least... people that wont help themselves.. and at the worst, people being assholes. The two are on the same spectrum I find.

So for my friend, its not the crazy that troubles me. Its the sticking the head in the sand. That. I find difficult to connect with. I find myself just shrugging my shoulders and saying, ok, and walking on. I don't do well with people that don't want to learn or stick their heels in the ground. I am not fighting you. You do you. And I will leave you here, see you later. Can't be doing with sulks, tantrums and ignorance. I just don't have the energy anymore. Life is short. And hard enough. Get over yourself or stay there, your choice.

My brother also updated me that my mom has recovered. Phew. As my brother says, she is tough as old boots. But boy. Does she keep coming within a hairs whisker of finally carking it. Ho hum. Such is life. Death is a part of life and all that utter utter bullshit. Just. No. You're never gonna convince me that Death is a happy sparkly positive thing. Bollocks and terrible. Anything else is just hardcore wilfull gaslighting of self.

Positives.

As I feel better, and have had a 24 hour period without feeling like I'm dying, my horizons once again expand out. Stuff. To do. Cool things. My mind has started turning over scratch build projects to do with the nephew on the weekend. Not sure how far we'll get because, as is the nature of the beast some bits are slow - waiting for glue to set, paint to dry, yada, and they can't really be rushed. Good and bad. The bad is, you can't just blitz through a project ( unless its so large you can do one bit whilst another is fixing ). The good is, it forces you to take it easy, do other stuff, smell the roses. 

I need to head out today and catch up on some chores. Get those groceries finally. And I might stop around a little to see if I can pick up some extra scratch build nonsense. I'm out of decent brass rod and need some plastic "bits". It's crossed my mind to hit up some charity shops and see if they have cheap plastic toys or gew gaws going. Good for turning into sci fi nonsense.

I am slightly anxious about going out and running around too much today. Careful with the energy. And I am not 100% right ( when I am ever ), I am floating on that border of OK.

Eh, we shall see. I can push it all back to tomorrow if necessary.

Work is just about done for the day today. I am ahead of schedule. All good.