14th Jan

 So, eh, yesterday after feeling slightly squiffy in the afternoon I had a "nap". Wasn't a good nap. I felt.. ill.. whilst napping, pulled me out of sleep and made me doze with a zapping dizzy head and weird compressions in my chest.

Meh.

So didn't get anything done yesterday. Well. I managed a partial hoover. Which. Is something.

Then I played games all evening and felt not too bad. So. Ha.

Still eating like a mouse. My calorie count per day is well under 1,000. Well. Under. I suspect I am doing well to hit 700. I should perhaps calculate it accurately, but I know roughly what it is. Easy enough when you are not eating ha ha.

My nephew has cancelled the weekend - thrown his back out, the risks of his physical work. Probably for the best one way and another, I am only just starting to feel a little more human myself and am behind on shit.

I thought about what I wrote the other day. About having issues with people not helping themselves and not fighting them about it.

On reflection this isn't quite right. I very much understand that anyone struggling is going to find it hard to help themselves. And I don't fault them for it. I will put up with that unti the cows come home. I think it's more willful ignorance that is my problem. An unwillingness to learn. Or admit. Mmm. Non admission to self. I have limited patience with that. But. Still. Again. I am super understanding of where people are at. I think if I can see genuine struggling reasons for it - I am in the midst of a meltdown, I'll pretty much forgive anything. Where you get into the borderlands - ok enough to function, but a pig ignorance to understand. Eh. Meh. That I have little time for.

Nuanced I think when it comes down to it. Each person and situation is unique.

I think in my friends case I have to understand that at some low level that isn't super expressed, I am quite angry about his behaviour. Or was. Or am. Hmm. Not entirely sure. I think I am at the "unimpressed" level at the moment, but not angry per se. 

Changing subject. I caught sight of a couple of lovely pictures of Ares on Facebook yesterday.

Sigh. Oof.

Made me cry. Athena came over to see what was up. It's ok lovely girl. I just miss Ares. And am sad that he is not here.

Ugh. Christ.

I do miss my handsome boy so much. And there is the mess of nihilist existential shit waiting just behind it, whats the point, the beauty that just dies out of the universe, no one will know, no one will remember, what is the goddamn point of all that pain etc.

But. Yeah. Sigh. And breathe. And put it back on the shelf. Understand. But do not get sucked down into it and destroyed.

Today ! Today I am hoping I maintain some level of energy and wellness. I must go out today, no choice, supplies are zero. Literally. Zero. Ha ha. I will stick with a plan of chore day for today, tidying up the house, doing some washing and yada, whilst, hopefully I have the chops to do it.

I have briefly spoken to Andy today. Told him I need to talk to him about Serious Stuff. Going to arrange a visit in person and chat about stuff. A few home truths but nothing too brutal, and the whole my Path aint your Path anymore dealio. But eh. I am quite relaxed about it. Work has been fairly good last couple of weeks, which, certainly softens my fuck work attitude, but, eh, no doubt the horror will return. Although possibly a good talking point. So. Why does stuff get so shitty etc. What's going on with you. Yada. We shall see.

The upshot of that talk could be anything from - I quit entirely, to, I am scaling back work to some degree. I doubt it will result in an entire quit, but it might do.

GP has got back to me. Going to phone me next Thursday for a chat. Uh huh. Better than nothing.

Struggling a little lately to keep my creativity leashed and focused. Which is probably a good sign. In the moments I am not feeling like shit I want to run in a hundred directions with lots of different projects. Animation. Mod making. Game making. Scratch building. Painting. Websites. Coding. Art. Yada.Yada. Yada. I am havig to talk myself down a lot. Stop. Too much. Focus. Heh.

I hear a lot of chatter these days about ADHD. It seems everyone is talking about it and wondering if they have it. Hazel mentioned it last month. It's also crossed my mind as I tick some of those boxes of hyperfocus and blipping around. I see a lot of computer type people have it - professionals or those that heavily use computers. Makes me wonder about chicken and egg. Does spending time on computers nudge you down a path of ADHD. Or vice versa. Or both. Discuss.

To give a very stupid quick example, this morning. Message from GP. Need to check it. Get up, go to computer. No wait. Tea first. Go to make tea. No wait. Loo first. No wait. Towel first. No wait tea. No computer.

I literally walked up and down the house 3 times without achieving shit.

Ok. What the fuck. Stop. One thing at a time.

Even after that at one point I found myself in the loo - why am I in here, I've just been. No. Wait. I haven't. Before properly slowing down, getting breakfast, tea, then sitting down.

Jeez.

And then there's the opposite. Focused on a problem for 8 hours to the extent I dont move, dont drink, dont eat, dont pee.

Hazel used to remind me to drink. Drink something.

Mmmmmm.

DRINK.

Sigh ok.

Heh.

It could be something of an explanation of why I am Good At Shit I Put My Mind To. And possibly why I am a bit of a burn out. Hyper focus.

A group of friends I have started playing games with now are hesitant to do new things until I am around because "we need to wait until Bork is here so we can properly understand this". And also one of them revealed that "when you dont know something its very disappointing. Its unfair of me. But. I am used to you knowing everything.". I laughed. But. Eh. Yeah. So goes my life. Repeating over and over. My work is just another mirror of that same pattern.