17th Jan

Monday. Huzzah.

Ha ha.

Meh. Feeling quite blehhh this morning. However. I've noticed something I think.

So in the mornings I am getting this weird "zapping", pressure on chest, tingles in arms and hands, pull me out of sleep, really rather bad, kinda thing going on.

I've been ignoring it and accepting it as another New Normal piece of Ongoing Bullshit.

However. I've noticed it is significantly worse when I lie on my left hand side. Significantly. And. I don't think I properly sleep towards the end of it. I wake up super tired, huge bags under my eyes, look like absolute horror garbage.

I'm wondering. If this is actually the return of the Ulcer. Which I've suspected for sometime, nausea et al, but maybe this is another facet of its return.

When my ulcer was super bad, lying on my left hand side made the whole left hand side of my body fizz like someone had stuck mains electric line into you. Bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. I'd sleep on it. Wake up an hour later to everything on fire. I learned that sleeping on my right side avoided this ( but then you get the hilarity of the right side getting really pissy that you're continually sleeping in the same position, but, that's a different thing )

I wonder if I have a lower level ulcer malarkey thing going on. Not dramatic lightning bolts. But definitely fucky after some time.

It would also fit with why after a prolonged sleep I get it any which way - stomach is empty, too much acid on ulcer, bzzzt.

Uh huh. Would make sense. Either that or , you know, the heart issues again. Yay.

I'll add in the whole, left hand side sleeping seems weird to the GP, but go no further. I have learned not to spook GPs by thinking. Play dumb. Feed them just enough symptoms for them to be "clever". If you give them all the info, they short circuit. Been there. Done that.

Didn't get shit done at the weekend.

So. Restful ?

Eh yeah, sure, kinda. But I did actually want to get shit done. Playing games instead. Not. Entirely, or, at all, to my plan to be honest. Playing for the benefit of someone else. Which is fine. And cool. But ha. Boundaries. Bad at enforcing them. I should have said no yesterday. And done what I needed/wanted to do. It's on me.

Anywho. Going to knock the gaming on the head for a while. Or at least push it back down to manageable time slots. It's not my thing really to game so much. 

I am itching to do something more productive and creative again. So. That's good. And I will be doing that instead. Noodling !

Hazel is still stuck at her dads. He broke his ankle, can't drive Hazel home, and she seems unwilling to make her own way home via train. She was, eh, unaccepting and unwise to the fact that a broken ankle would make driving very very hard ( despite me telling her ), and any kind of long distance driving would become impossible. She imagined he would drive her home a few days after breaking his ankle. It is an automatic car after all. Mmm. Yeah. No. Going to be *months*. Even in an automatic. Broken ankles are nasty.

Anywho. She reckons he will be driving her home soon. I have my doubts but have not offered my opinion on it.

In the meantime, she still has my laptop. And. Whilst I did say to her don't rush. Eh. I do. Really. Kind of need it at this point ! Ho hum. No good deed and all that. But also. Not an entire surprise when dealing with Hazel. Give her an inch. She takes a mile.

On the more... hmm... "interesting" side, is that she will at this point have spent and be spending a significant amout of time with her dad. Whilst Hazel can maintain some degree of normality in the short term, in the long term she absolutely cannot, and, Dr Jekyll, Mr Hyde, Hyde tends to come out of the shadows and start fucking shit up, often, explosively. It may give her dad at long last an insight into where and who Hazel is. And be a first step on the path to actually helping her in her life. That is, if he cares to get into it. He might not. He has a past of running away ( he abandoned Hazel and her Sister when they were younger, which, gives some background to some of the issues she has with him ). And it also depends how well Hazel maintains. Sometimes she can manage a few months, but, that's rare. But if she can do that, he wont see Mr Hyde. So. Hmm. As time ticks on at her dads, the chance that Shit Gets Real increases. Which. Despite being a pandoras box of hell unleashed, in the bigger picture, I don't think would be a bad thing. It would get everyone on the same page, and some of the dancing, lies, and willful ignorance removed. If he's a dick, he could just disown her. But. I doubt that would happen. And if it did. Well. At least you know where you stand.

Anywho.

Andy has started on his wobbles, our third week of the new year. He hasn't a clue where things are. Statuses. What is going on. He repeat asks me the same questions. Often on a Monday. And just hand waves stuff.

This is more of the same that I saw during 3rd and 4th quarter last year. His eye is off the ball. Either not putting in the effort, or busy. Or both. I suspect former than latter, given he said he had sorted a lot of the maintenance side of the business out. But eh.

Ho hum. Doesn't start to paint a great picture again going forwards. We shall see. Red flag, red flag, red flag. Bail out of plane. etc. At least that's what all my radars are telling me.

So there are a few things that are tracking in the heavens to give me some sort of schedule.

1) My brothers new dogs being ok to socialise / injections properly set in ( this means potentially I can go down with Athena and stay a night which is important because... )

2) Meet up with Andy and quit / reduce my days. As the year edges on, the needle slowly shifts from reduction to quit as I see deep structural issues in the biz and their effects on me.

3) Hazel comes back, I get my laptop back, and a good development platform to start Doing Shit.

4) Clear up problematic health issues.

4, is, whilst a problem, workable with and is good enough that I can tick that off at this point. 

3. Eh. Yeah. Is an increasing issue. And I doubt will resolve itself anytime soon. I can well imagine it being Feb and Hazel still being at her dads. Me going to pick her up is a no no - she's down Cornwall way, and that would be the most epic of journeys there and back to pick her up. Plus. She could just get on a train. She's done it before. Not super easy with a dog in tow, but, not super difficult either. Her anxiety combined with bone idleness however is liable to make that currently a non starter ( and it's more the latter than the former ).

2. Andy seems keen for me to visit. He has a present for me. I don't know. I am also keen to get things moving. And have already given him warnings that Serious Stuff needs to be discussed.

1. This should be a week or so out. I think. But. Not sure if my brother would be ok with Athena coming down with the new doggos. They should certainly get their socialising in before they turn nippy. And they're already .. older.. than you'd like for such things. But. We shall see.

So those are the winds of fate currently dictating my existence at the moment. As ever I tend to blow with the wind rather than actually dictating a plan and setting boundaries. For the moment, I am.. eh... whilst not happy... ok.. to just go with the flow.

Ask me again in 2 weeks.

Today. Work work. And a lunchtime walk and chat with a friend.

Can't say I can be bothered with work. Although already today I have aced a bunch of shit. As I do. I feel like my weekend was robbed by playing games. Ha. Stupid me. Learn to say no Johnny.

Eh well. S'all good.

As for the other Silent Meltdown Friend. He continues to be silent. No word in a week.

Eh well.

Whatchagonnado. 

Clearly he still does not feel like talking about it. Or at all. As I have invited him to do.

Positives.

Last night I decided somewhat unwisely, to noodle around in the loft and try to find Some Shit. An almost impossible task. I really need to go up there and put some sort of order on it. Anywho. Whilst up there I found all manner of shit that I didn't think I would find, and some stuff, I literally have no memory of ever buying. Also a lot of junk. But yeah. Uh huh. Was pretty neat. Some of it I have earmarked to give away to my nephew - he took a bunch of stuff off my hands recently. And some of it. I can use for scratch building. But yeah. It was kinda cool looking through some of my old shit up there ( miniatures for the most part ). I definitely want to get painting again.

Some of the stuff I pulled out - because I have been in recent months checking it out online - I recognise as worth quite a lot of money. I must have so much money up in the loft it's stupid. Some single items I have up there, a single miniature, are £12 and up. And I have *vast ranks* of them. Yikes.

Not that I would sell them per se. But it is a bit of a time capsule. Ha.

Anywho. Eh. Today. I am hoping to get something positive done today. Not just work. Not just chores.

Optimistic. We shall see.