18th Jan

 It is.. early.

1.35AM

Been to bed, brain slowly going over future plans, current work, how I really could do with quitting out right, that it's less of a risk than I probably think it is and yada.

I can feel that quitting needle edging away from minimal hours to just quit.

Fuck it.

I get up.

Decide to check the bank balance.

If Andy has stiffed me for money over the Xmas period, that's it. Done. Dusted. Fuck it.

I figure it's a high probability he has stiffed me. Reflect that this is a bit of a spur of the moment reaction, but, eh, is it really ? Just more of a final straw, casus belli. Looking for the excuse to mount the war horse and trample all before me.

He paid me in full.

I am surprised.

Apparently I will not be writing out a quitting email at 1.40AM.

Stand down the red alert. Put the war horse back in its stable.

On the other hand. Docks me for money for daring to take a week off after surgery. Pays me for not working a week over Christmas. It's the fear that dictates his behaviour. He wants to coax me away from taking time off sick, even when it's for something like surgery.

I ponder that he probably doesn't realise just how razor thin close he came to me quitting on the spot, not working any notice at all, and just sorting shit out to suit me for a change. Including offering services ad hoc to our current clients. It clearly stipulates in my contract, right here, that "I can do as I fucking please", and as the author and architect of Just About Everything, I have the technical chops to do that.

Uh huh.

Clearly I am in a bit of a militant mood. I've been like it all day. Just. Dis-satisfied with the world. And people. People are lovely. By and large. They can also be dickheads. Slow. Stupid. Prideful. Greedy. And by and large I just go with the flow, absorb it all and play nice.

Uh huh.

Went for a nice walk today with Athena and a friend. Athena was full of beans, running to and fro. The old lady putting us both to shame with her energy levels. She's doing so well lately. On good form. I think we've got a good exercise plan going for her, not overtaxing her. Taking some days out just to sit at home. She has slowed way down. But. She's still very good. Like a dog half her age. I'm just making sure to take good care of her in her old age. And so far. Seems to be going well. She is lovely. Life, is overwhelmingly better with a happy young at heart dog. You can quote me on that.

I offloaded in a speed dump for 10 minutes everything happening to me on my walk with a friend. The whole meltdown of other friend. The last minute changes. The erratic plans. The probable incomprehension he faces about where he currently is. I related his whole "nothing I can do should affect anyone else to that degree" stated philosophy. I got raised eyebrows and a laugh. That's ridiculous. Yeah. I know. And is highly informative about almost all his other relationships in his life ( and why they go off the rails to his bewilderment). 

And then knowing that my friend actually had a lot to talk to me about, I shut up, I'm doing pretty good all things considered. Let's listen to you instead.

So we talked for another 45 minutes I would guess. About anxiety. And relationship difficulties. And bad coping mechanisms. And arguments. I listened. Understood. Gave a few small opinions, but didn't push anything. More zen and listening and supportive than anything. I empathised with his position. Not easy.

It seems that life in general is not easy, no matter who you are. On the outside it may look good. On the inside. Eh. And you just can't tell. From all appearances my friend is a confident extrovert with a comfortable life. On the inside. Plagued by anxieties. Second guesses. Frustrated by his own actions.

He also, rather funnily, pondered if his other half had ADHD ( and was some of the source of relationship difficulties ).

See what I mean about it doing the rounds ? It seems to be at the forefront of everyone at the moment. I blame relatable ADHD memes.

I posited my tentative theory to him that perhaps computers and the internet in general, nudged us all towards ADHD tendencies. Hyper focus. Zoning out of conversations. It's possible.

Anywho.

In his case I can see solutions to some of his problems. But. Wisdom has taught me, oh so slowly, to shut my mouth. Often lessons need to be learned first hand. Not second hand. Which, duh, I have known for a long time, but been a lot damn slower to actually apply it meaningfully to what I do. This time, I would think, I will be able to get through to someone and teach them that fire is hot without them having to stick their hand in the fire ! Yeah. No. Needing to get burned as it turns out, is something of a fundamental human trait. It is far better, I have found, to be supportive instead of trying to be a fixer therefore. Even though it's in my nature to do the latter. And after all. What the fuck do I know. Just another idiot. Shut up idiot. And listen.

It's still something I have to work at. Shutting up. Listening. Supporting. Offering encouragement and reassurance. Instead of just outright fixing and dictating. Eh. I think I achieve it most of the time. Maybe. Ha ha. But. Something I need to work at more. It's definitely not a natural thing to me - to not fix.

We finished our walk, and, I condensed a bit of wisdom as much as I could as something to consider. Stressed people have a harder time of making things work. Basically. Cut yourself and your other half, some slack. Easier said than done. And of course. The very last word. If you need to chat, any time, or I can do anything, just let me know.

That last bit is the really important bit.

You are not alone. Nor do you have to go through shit alone. You are loved.

A paradox eh.

I am militant in one mood. And full of supportive love on the other. I don't actually think those things are paradoxical. I think the militancy gets prickled by my patience lowering enough that I actually start calling a spade a spade. You're a dick. Fuck off. Stop being a dick. Whereas usually, I am a deal more diplomatic. And put up with shit.

Ironically Hazel always used to say that about me. I just put up with too much shit. From everyone. But then. When she inevitably had ground down my patience and I told her some truths about her shitty behaviour. She didn't like it. Ha ha. Yeah. Sigh. That's the downside of that eh ? In general, I think it's a good thing for me to be understanding of peoples shit. It's just.. human.

But sometimes. It's a lot to deal with. I am super far from perfect. And I don't have infinite patience.

Something to work on. Always. More patience. Something I will never perfectly achieve, something I will always be working on. But that's ok. I think.

Anywho. Back to my friend. I hope he can get a bit of zen. I hope things work their way out between him and his partner. I am good friends with the both of them. I would hate to see them break up. The rumblings are a bit.. portentious though. I fear the stresses of life and jobs and just being human will force them apart. A shame. But we shall see. Be optimistic. Sorting it out, is just a small, tiny, change of mindset away. And I am hopeful it's just one of those clouds that comes along that will eventually blow away.

I am not sure what it is. But. I am beginning to see people in a bigger picture kind of way. Similar patterns. The long projections. The ticking clockwork and possibilities. Life. It's just life. But not interfering. Perhaps it's just this slightly odd mood I am in. But I don't think so. Hard to say.

I think I am still evolving from this last year. My mindset is still slowly changing. Ejecting users from my life. Losing fear. Seeing futures. Adjusting my position in the world. And things are changing around me. Family. Friends. Situation is more dynamic than it has been in many years.

I am also coming to the conclusion that maybe I am not so broken after all. I have been through a lot. And have a lot of shit to deal with. And it brings me low. But. Looking around. I see others also failing. And I can bring some wisdom, love, strength to others. Maybe. I am not as big as a fuckup after all. And I deal with problems... a lot fucking better than many around me. Maybe I'm just brutally honest and open about my experiences, but, on the whole, it makes me stronger. Not weaker. I don't know. Evolving mindset. Perhaps I do have shit to offer.

We shall see.

Stand up Johnny. You are far stronger than you think you are. 

That mindset right there is something of a breakthrough. I've been in a whole, shits just gonna get worse as the years peel by for a long longgggg time now. This is the first time in forever I .. have properly challenged that assumption.

I have a positive vibe about me and the future. Which is fairly remarkable.

Having a support network of people you love and love you in return is super important to that. Part of having a healthy .. existence. Help each other. No one is perfect or an island, or always strong. We all need help at times. In a perfect world, you can give each other a hand when one of you stumbles.

Perhaps I am just delusional in my positivity. Ha ha. Finally snapped. Heh.

Well. Whatever. I am enjoying being positive. I can see.. lots of possibilities in the future. If I am delusional, then, it's quite a nice delusion. And for as long as it lasts. It makes me a bit happier.