20th Jan

 Good nights sleep, followed by worst nights sleep.

Both hands and arms buzzing with tingles and numb. Sandy eyes. Exhaustion. Mmm. Nice.

So bad, that the tingles refused to give way. I couldn't feel my right hand at all. Despite flexing and shaking and waiting, it didn't alleviate. It was only when I got up, stood up, that slowly the tingles dissipated.

Huh. Pfft.

GP phoned me up today. Not the doctor. A nurse. You've reported a problem ? Yes. She listened. Oh I think you need to talk to a doctor she says.

Sigh.

We can fit you in next week.

Ok. Glad to have had this pointless dance for another week of waiting.

2.5 weeks on from asking to see a doctor, I might get to see a doctor.

I wonder if say, the work I do for the NHS was to go tits up, whether they would be happy with me telling them to arse off for 2.5 weeks. Then I might have your systems back up online.

Somehow, I doubt they would be as sanguine.

One rule for thee, and another for me.

Anywho. I am not that bothered. It is, business as per usual for the GP service. I expect fuck all. Hard to be that disappointed then. It is, without any doubt, hands down the worst service I encounter in my life. Paradoxical given that it should be one of the most important things in my life. But no. I can get a 24 hour delivery of tat from Amazon. And a 3 week turnaround in even talking to someone health wise.

Big yikes.

I don't want to hear excuses about it. Oh. Well. It's the pandemic. Oh well. Not enough money. The service has been like this *for years*. Fix it. You've had the time. At this current point in time it's not like anything is a surprise or unforseen. Plan better. Adapt better. Be better.

But eh. Excuses are easier rather than change.

Moving on.

Work on the whole has been busy this week. I am exhausted as of today. I nailed a bunch of tricky investigations, one after the next. Hard thinky work. I like it. But it is taxing. If you like murder mysteries, you'd probably like the work. A real piecing together of clues and following a trail of information. Andy had a good stab at some of it, actually followed through on digging, but couldn't in the end figure it out. Still. A pretty good attempt. Still not sure what's going on with him. Some days he puts the effort in. Some days he just phones it in. But work on the whole continues to be alright. The odd blip. But good. Uh huh.

Had a friend round for a tea and a chat this morning. Talking about his work. And stresses. And more stresses. And coming off of Citalopram - the nutcasery meds. And dealing with a suicide at work. And how life was.. pretty full on. Mmm. I listened. Offered a little advice. But mostly listened and empathised. Tricky. Hard. My advice was more about being careful of your limits. A tendency to "man up", do the thing, I can do it all, go down in a blaze of glory. Uh huh. Stop. Before you break. Remember to breathe before you run out of air. As the saying goes, be mindful of your wellness, or your illness will force you to mind it. Dudes can be so tricky. At once bottling it up, I am ok, and in the next revealing all sorts of stressors and red flags, before again, ah, it's ok. Eh. It's not ok. Stop saying that. Tricky. All you can do is remind people to stop, breathe. Don't burn out. Everything else is.. deeper. And not necessarily information people are ready to hear. 

I left it with him that if he ever needed to talk I am here, always welcome round for a tea and a chat. A quiet safe space. Don't even have to chat. Just chill. It's a simple thing I can offer. A small piece of sanctuary, even if temporary. What else can you do in a nihilistic world ? If there is a meaning to life, then I think it must be one close to the philosophy of easing others passage through the darkness. Bring a little light and peace and ease the suffering. Even in a nihilistic world, that is worth something. And we can each hold a light for the next of us in line, and perhaps, we get through it easier.

My new chair turned up today, super quick, unexpected. I have assembled the beast - and exhausted myself even further to the point of wobbly health - oooh you're going to pay for that - and it's very nice. Worth the price ? Eh. Probably not. Better than all else before it ? Absolutely. We shall see how it holds up over time, but the build quality for a lot of it is very high. And a powder coated steel base. Which is .. unicorn level.. of build quality. I'm a bit too exhausted to enjoy it at the moment. But eh. Is cool.

Stumbled across a concept artist posting some of her noodles on social media. Ugh. Dispeakably good. I am in awe. I struggle so hard with art. I am always slightly starstruck with good artists. How. Do. You. Do. That. UwU. Teach me senpai. In reality I don't have the time and dedication to do it, I have to put up with struggle bussing. Still. I chatted to her a bit. Asked if she accepted commissions and what her prices were if so. Waiting to hear. Her art was really the kind of stuff I have had in my head lately ( and I wish I could easily smash out into a material thing ). I have to check myself not to immediately crush on talented female artists. Call it a failing.

Positives.

Eh. Not in a positives kind of mood today. I am good. I am fine. But exhausted. Brain off. Just contented I have some days off ahead. Rest. Noodle with some things. Is all good.