22nd Jan

 Ill.

No two ways about it. Not sure if it's a cold, or just the Ongoing Bullshit, but, meh. Symptoms are all over the shop which makes it hard to clock exactly what's going on - if it is a cold, it's a really weird one that has cold like symptoms appear, then completely disappear and shift into something else entirely. Then rinse and repeat. Mmmmm k.

I honestly have no clue about my body anymore since last year. No basis for comparison, everything is just... a new fucking experience. Everything I thought I knew about how I react to stuff has been thrown out the window and replaced with... something else.

I did a Covid test just on the offchance. Negative.

So, just riding it out.

It's beginning to dawn on me that perhaps this is what they talk about when people become "frail" after a serious illness, and from then on are always a bit iffy.. then get nailed by something else. I can. Kinda. See. What you mean.

Took Athena for a lovely winters day walk today. Even though, on the threshold I wobbled, felt sick, shaky, meh, fuck it, lets go. Very cold out in Norwich even in the daytime. Barely getting above freezing. But it was a nice walk. Athena met a huge number of dogs, people and kids. Interestingly she's become a little shy of people when we're out now, will duck a head scratch unless she likes you.

She had a proper derp today. Walked off with someone else. She was being clever. Didn't turn around to check who the footsteps were. Assumed it was me. And this was the way we were walking. No. After a couple of calls she finally checked. You could see her working it out. Oh. Are you sure this is the wrong way ? Yessss. She galluped back. Athena all over. Smart. Not always wise. Relies on herself being smart and "I can figure this out, I am smart".

Came home, so so, tired, under the weather, but meh. Took a couple of paracetamol which perked me up for a bit ( another suspect that I've picked up a cold ), before they fairly quickly wore off, I felt like crap, so went to bed.

So today, I've slept half the day away. Again.

I said I'd end up losing my weekend. But. I don't feel too bad again. Not well. But. Eh. It's fine. I've had far worse. Hopefully I will maintain a bit for the evening and be able to chill out.

I want to do stuff. Got a real itch to scratch build again. But. Health is just not letting me do much at the moment, I tap out after 5 minutes of sitting.

One of my friends has expressed an interest in being taught how to "do 3d things". Mainly because he wants to see if he can make stuff for 3d printers. I had threatened to teach my nephew the same thing, who has also expressed an interest in being able to do that, but with a whole heap less confidence that he can ever do it. Huh. I almost need to run a course for the two of them now. I've said we will tackle Blender, 3d software - something I am not hugely versed in and we can learn together. I've used Blender before in the past a number of times, but never used it enough to gain any kind of decent competency with it. And some of the newer stuff within it I really haven't tried at all. That being said, my experience mucking around with 3d modelling stretches back to the early 90's, I know my shit, just, not a lot with Blender. By and large all the software is the same, just, slightly different key bindings. And my last outing with Blender I was starting to pick up speed with its layout - I got halfway through making a 3d cartoon spaceman for myself. So. I think it should be good. Can teach some people. And also force myself into a better understanding of it myself - something I've wanted to do for a number of years now. Wean myself off the much more expensive 3d software choices I am used to. I'd like to make Blender my App of choice in future. It has come on leaps and bounds since the early days and when I first dabbled with it and discarded it in professional disgust. It's now as good as, if not better in some ways than some of the Big Boys. But this is where you get into particular feature sets, with each bit of heavy software offering some unique twiddly bits that others don't. You pick your favoured poison / work requirements at that point.

Today. When I was dozing in and out of sleep properly. And the mind just melts into dreams and unfettered imaginings. That deep. Core. Warning kept popping up. Your time is limited. Not dead. But given a little time. Dying slowly by increments. Not going to be around for long.

It's a repeating message. Sometimes loud. Sometimes very quiet. But always there. Right down to my core I believe I don't have a huge amount of time. How long that is, impossible to say. Of course. It could just be nonsense my always ill brain has cooked up. Another form of anxiety. But it's not an anxiety thing. It's. Just. An acceptance thing. And weirdly, it helps to make my risk aversion.. less overpowering. Fuck it. Just do it. Not going to live forever anyway.

I pay little mind to it when up and busy and brain is in gear. I dismiss it as irrelevant. Either just anxiety ghosting me, or, if real, not going to make it change what I am doing. By and large, anyway. It does.. often kill any thoughts I have of long term plans. But day to day. Doesn't super affect me.

Eh. We shall see I guess. 

Positives.

Just happy to be around and not having to do shit at the moment. It not being a work day is a godsend. I do think I need to work less. Scaling back work is just a no brainer all around at the moment. Making games or not.  Money will be tight. But. That's ok.