25th Jan

Today I am feeling a little better. Have been feeling very rough last few days. And yesterday was the trifecta.

Feeling shit from a cold ( ? ), CFS kicking my ass, and.. woo... hardcore nausea turning me green.

Amazing.

I gritted my teeth through most of it. I am not exactly getting used to it. It's. Horrible as all fuck. But. I don't know. Just getting increasingly stubborn. Learning how to - sort of - operate whilst feeling horribly ill. Probably unwise. But eh. Sick of being.. sick.

Silver lining. I think. I might have nailed down the nausea. I think. I can reproduce it at will. Or in other words. I have a better handle on "recreating this bug". It's digestive tract related. 90% sure. And the problem lies somewhere on the left hand side. Top of the digestive tract / stomach. Worst of it lasts for around 4 hours ish - depend what I've eaten. The trigger is tricky. Too much sugar - triggers, I think. But this is a threshold thing. Too much spice - triggers. Certain food combos - triggers. Sit for too long hunched over - triggers. Once triggered I become a whole lot more eating sensitive - the threshold for triggering drastically lowers. Triggering has the following effects, sometimes all of them, sometimes a few of them -

Initially feeling generally very ill.
Nausea. Feel even more ill. No vomiting.
Tired. Exhaustion.
Tinnitus goes up.
Sensitivity just below ribs to the left.
Minor achey pain just below ribs to the left.

Total recovery in around 8 hours. Worst period of 4 hours.

Sensitivity can last for days.

Eating very little - less than 800 calories in a day - of zero spice, low sugar seems to help ( apples are fine, bananas are mostly fine, sweet biscuits are a no ).

Uh huh. When I think back on it, this was very similar shit to what I've been getting through most of 2021. So it would seem my "shitty bout of near death experience" has fucked up my higher digestive tract. If you believe the CFS people, then, covid has carpet bombed my digestive tract.

Get to speak to an actual GP on Thursday - timing couldn't be better. She's also one of the few decent GPs I've had. So. Eh. Might get something achieved. Wonders will never cease.

My friend raised his head above the parapet last night - in the midst of me feeling utterly ill - just to check in. Like nothing had happened. Like I wasn't just hanging there waiting. Or plans had been scrapped. Or that it was a big deal.

We just chatted shortly, about, Other Non Consequential Stuff.

It was a pretty heroic ignoring the elephant in the room.

Having been around more than my fair share of crazy people, I simply went along with his unstated rules for the conversation.

I tried asking him how he was.

Fine.

In the weeks of radio silence he has now come up with a plan to be a pilot.

He has started learning the homework to be a pilot before at some point, going and taking some actual flying lessons.

This is now his focus.

Well.

That doesn't seem like a mid life crisis kind of thing at all.

To be fair to him, he has said a couple of times in the past - briefly, very, very, briefly - that he thought learning to fly would be cool.

Then again.

For many years his plan was to sail around the world. Buy a yacht. Learn to sail. Do the atlantic crossing. Then the pacific one.

I did poke some holes in his plan - he had no sailing knowledge. Sailing across the oceans seemed gruelling, not fun. And that he didn't seem to be the person to be into gruelling. I told him I saw him more of a mediterranean, sail from one Italian village to the next for dinner kind of sailor.

But no. Sailing across the oceans would be cool. And. Worryingly - what would it matter if I died anyway.

I told him that in anyone else that smelled very close to the way a depressive thinks.

But. You can't tell him anything. No. Certainty is a thing.

Until he took his first proper sailing lessons this year for a few days back to back to get his basic crew hours and certification.

That cured him in short order of wanting to sail. Forget oceans. Sailing around a river for a few days was more than enough misery. Which. Is *very* fair.

So that years in the making plan was binned.

The upshot of all this is, not that any of this is ridiculous. It's about someone finding where they are. Who they are. What the hell they are doing with their life. Which is a monumental question. For most people it never gets beyond, I have to go to work 5 days out of 7 to support my family. When that question fades out of view, life can become very tricky for a lot of people.

That's not the issue.

More of an issue is the meta level of it. My friend is entirely unaware of the waters he swims in. Unable to actually properly grapple with his feelings ( everything is ok, always ok, despite it very clearly not being fucking ok ), and unable to be honest with himself. Just about desperately finding something to plug the hole. And continue on.

I've had worrying conversations with him in the past about finding his joy. He doesn't have any. He reads like a flat lining depressive. He puts it down to having "done everything", and life becoming mundane. Ok. No. But ok.

At the end of the day. He's super hardcore in denial. Probably the worst case of denial I've seen. And that's saying something as in my context I have people like my dad who also does a pretty good number in denial but *is* actually open to talking about shit, and *will* get into some of the weeds with it. Even though he doesn't react very well at times.

This is quite jarring to me. Typically it's an older generation that struggle to come to terms with this kind of thing. But then again. My generation I think is on that line. Some of us are more old school. And some of us are more new school. My friend clearly belongs in that way to the generation above. 

Not great.

Half the battle, is knowing you have a problem. This isn't just nice words. This is an absolute truism. And applies to many things about the human condition. From addiction to depression. Getting yourself over that context hump where you understand where you are and the problems you are facing is huge. Some people never get there - always in denial. Others can take years, if not decades to arrive. But once you do understand. Then. And only then. Can you determine which steps are good, which are bad, and how you can get out of the hole you are in.

My friend is never going to approach understanding in my opinion. Nor even acknowledge the framing of it. Denial all the way down.

Anywho.

He came across as switched off. The lights are on. But no one is home. The joy is gone. The world is grey. The pilot thing. Just seemed like desperation. Particularly given the recent context.

I said it was nice to know he was still alive. And re-iterated, if he wants to talk, or anything, I am here. He wont do shit with it. Because he's alright. 

In a very real way it seems like my friend died in December. And a ghost now haunts where he used to be. The person I knew is gone.

It is what it is. He has his path to follow. And lessons to learn.. or ignore.

Enough of that.

Positives

Feelingly slightly better today. Hopefully I'ved turned a corner and can start doing stuff again. I have made some super small steps at starting a piece of scratch building. Again. Just. Bloody minded. Fuck it. I will do it despite being ill. It's. Not pleasant. Ha ha ha. But. It makes me slightly happy to see something constructive being made instead of just falling into a pit of hopeless illness.

I've had a few ideas about art for game company malarkey. I would like to see if I can figure out how to do some sexy smoke. Procedurally. That is to say, a computer can generate it on the fly. I doubt its possible in the medium I want it. So failing that. Do the whole 3d thing. And create a loop of it. Also not easy. But I am interested in giving it a go.