5th Jan

 Caught some zzz's after work yesterday, but they were heavy and soupy and not that beneficial.

I have this thing now where it can take me up to an hour to recover from sleep. Brain is just muzzy, treacle filled, everything is off. Just one of my new normals.

Despite this, I burned the candle at both ends again went to bed at 2.30am. This is not good for me. Whilst clearly it's my fault, it is also.. somewhat not my fault. Playing games with an enthusiastic friend that just wants to keep going. Which is nice. But. Heh. I can't keep up with my shitty constitution and am burning myself to keep going.

Work was frustrating yesterday - not frustrating because of humans. In fact. As far as that goes, work is being very polite and good natured. Practically. Pleasant. The frustration was purely technical in nature. I have been struggling to get something that should "just work" to actually "just work" since before Xmas, and after most of another day wasted at the coal face, it finally cracked and worked as it .. almost.. should.

A problem of shifting security standards, and shitty failing tools ( ie, you've done nothing, but everything else has changed around you... sigh ).

Andy has been good since coming back from Xmas. Work has been.. good. Stable. Sensible. Dare I say an enjoyable work environment.

Ha ha.

Sigh.

Life. Why are you like this ?

It got me thinking that maybe the obvious stress monster is in the house where no one has had a break and everyone is dropping mistakes and generally.. meh. After a break, everyone is a bit more amiable and competent ? Maybe. Perhaps I should take this more heavily into account when people start fucking up. Take a step back. Do they need some downtime ?

The last few days have blurred by. A whirlwind of doing shit. "Doing shit". I mean. Jeez. I am not being productive really. But. The time gets filled, the hours fly past. And I am just behind on everything in life. Crazy. I think I need some slow down days otherwise I am in danger of crashing. I am getting some warning signs already - the sleep and heavy chest and yada. I think I have gained some strength lately, but, par for the course, I am immediately using it and burning it off. Precisely what the CFS people tell you not to do.

Thumbs up.

So I think I will be on a go slow this weekend. Chill. Which will likely be frustrating. But. Meh. Maybe I should noodle slowly with some art. I *think* if I go slow with art, it can be.. slightly recuperative. Fine line between restful and burning however. Heh.

As ever the thing thats screaming to me at the moment is - you need some space and time.

Heh. Despite coming off the back off a week off at Xmas. As I've thought before I think I need some hardcore time and space to just breathe. Months. If you consider that I've not really done holidays at all in more than 10 years, many years not even a week off... eh... maybe you can ponder if I need to pay back a certain amount of "downtime debt". In a perfect world I'd like to take off at least a six month break from everything. A sabbatical, if you like. As years have gone by I have begun to understand the wisdom of sabbaticals and why they exist. A reflection of the human condition I suspect. But slightly odd here as I am proposing a sabbatical... from myself. Ha ha. Because ultimately, I am the absolute hardcore taskmaster that whips myself along. 

Before things went tits up with my friend, I did say I was heavily considering taking a break before ending one thing, and starting another. I think that's still a good plan - when I come to some sort of switch, if it's a big break like that. I kinda know a month wont be long enough. But. A month is probably reasonably all I should take, financial wise et al. Goddamn capitalism. Always fucking with you.

Right. Off to noodle with some webservices for work.

Before I go. I've noticed - again - a lot of people under stress lately that I've talked to. Wobbling. Showing cracks. Mmm. Whatever it is, pandemic or just coincidence, it's continuing to fuck with people.  Some read this blog. Many do not. In any case, todays general useful directions -

Your homework :

#1 Don't be a dick to yourself
#2 Come up with something you are looking forward to or want to do. And think happy thoughts about it. ( this doesn't have to include time schedules, how likely it is to happen or yada )
#3 Take time out every day where you can just rest. Not cooking. Not staring at a computer. Just. Chilling. Even if it's a 10 minute break. Consider it. Meditative. If necessary, empty your brain, and picture yourself somewhere that you like. A warm sandy beach shore with the waves lazily coming in and out for instance.

As an aside, a good while ago I used to go through #3 with Hazel on a rare occasion. She ended up asking me to do it in the end - she liked the calming effect. My go to is always the beach. A tropical beach, golden sand, palm trees arcing over casting shade. And concentrate on the sea. The waves slowly rolling up the beach and then back. No other thoughts. Hear the gentle hiss as it rolls in and out. Smell the fresh air and the salt of the shore. Relaxed. Warm. A nice breeze sketching over your skin. The sparkle of sun on water. Breathe. Listen to the surf. Feel the soft sand between your fingers when you squeeze. Calm. Chill. Slow wayyyyy down.