6th Jan

 Well, hasn't this week roared around.

I didn't *quite* burn the candle at both ends last night. Thanks to a different friend noting he really really had to go to bed at a sensible time. I agreed. Heartily. So. We did that. Just about. The other friend although he didn't say much, was clearly keen to keep going.

Ha ha.

Back in December I noted I had a couple of judgements levelled on me, which, are always amusing because they clang so heavily against my own interpretation of self. They were, that I was a ridiculously social person, and that I looked nice.

Whilst chatting a couple of days ago, I casually noted that I was a miserable, depressive, pessimistic type, and my friend, although he didn't super push back, was slightly taken aback and muttered good naturedly but didn't say shit.

Yesterday, whilst talking about me to someone else, he stated that I am "the most positive person he knew". Which was clearly what he wanted to say the other day, but didn't.

*blink*

I mean.

There are two possibilities there.

One. He only knows *really* fucked up miserable pessimists.

Two. He genuinely sees me as a positive person.

And of course in reality I know its number two. It's so.. goddamn... jarring. Me. Positive. Are you sure you have the right person ?

Ha ha.

I mean. In my heart of hearts, I do actually think I am a positive happy person. A zen cow. Happily chewing grass. Ideal. Simple life. However. The world. Life. Capitalism. Bullshit. Forces me into a shape where I am the opposite of that. It's not me. It's a reflection of the world. Or perhaps more accurately, it's my response to the world. Pessimistic, fatalstic, nihilistic. Heavy.

But perhaps in some situations, I am not always such a gloom monger. And am my happy, positive self. If that's true.. I have quite a blind eye to it.

In some ways, if I think about it, it feels like a different person. The kind of person who would show up at board games. And be the life and soul of the party. And inspire people. It does feel like... half of me goes for a snooze at such times. The critical pessimist. Goes for a nap. Oh god not this, I'm off for a nap in the back. I end up a different person. Kind of. Then when I exit such a situation.. the happy person goes for a sleep, and the Arch Critic comes back.

I don't know.

Weird shit.

There are two wolves fighting inside of you as they saying goes. Which one wins ?

The one you feed.

Or alternatively.

There are two wolves fighting inside of you. Stop that. Why are there wolves inside of you. This is very bad ! Ha ha.

Anywho. There we have it.

I am the embodiment of positivity and light.

Ohhhhhh the sweet dark treacley irony. 

I will admit, as he said that, the whole line involving esteemed beserker and killer of friends Logan Nine Fingers from the first lore trilogy flashed across my mind.

"I am a bad person ?"

"You're the best person I know."

Whoaaaaaaa. Ok. Maybe it really is just all about context. Nothing is "real". Everything is just real from a certain point of view. Contextual reality. Heroes to some. Villains to others. Victim to one set of people, saviours to another. Uh huh. Some serious life impacting thinky shit there. Less of "who you are" ( what even is that, does that even exist, how nebulous is it, ever changing and shifting, how much of it is filtered by your own bullshit lenses or mood ), and more of "who you can be to others". Hmmm. A parent and hero ( or villain ) to your kid. A failure ( or success ) in your own mind. There is I feel a real deep secret truth to the human condition in there. Grokking it, would be big.

Positives for today.

Still upbeat. I know. Jesus. Work week is coming to an end. Tomorrow off. Yay. I have been invited to a birthday drink on Saturday. Twice. And very sweetly at that. I am, very very much wanted to attend. Which is awesomely lovely. It is truly awesome and humbling to know someone really digs your company. One of those love things. Warm, fuzzy, lovely.

I am not sure if I can make it however. I am exhausted, and I was kinda banking on the weekend as being a complete zombie out. But. It's a very sweet invite. So. I will be careful with my energy, and see if I can make it.

Of course the other small issue is it's a birthday bash in a public space. At the height of Omicron. I'd give you a coin flip about picking up the covid. Meh. Still. Covid aint what it used to be. And in theory, triple injected at this point, and with a flu shot to top it off, I'm supposedly quite protected.

Still wanna get some painting in. And other shit. I am beginning to itch to get some gaming coding or some shit done. But. Calm. Pace yourself. Not started yet. Wait. Waiiiiit.

Heh.

All good really.