9th Jan

 Well, today has been a pretty shit day.

For starters I have spent a good deal of it feeling pretty damn ill. Nausea. Dizzy. Very sickly feeling. Bleh. I have bounced in and out of bed all day. An hour sleep here - improve slightly, get up, 30 minutes later, a deterioration.

It has not been fun.

I needed to do a couple of chores today, but have singularly failed to do so. Just not been well enough.

Played some games, but, yikes, most of the time feeling green around the gills until I couldn't stand it any longer and tapped out each time.

Second. On top of me feeling like utter shit. My friend popped up with a prepared statement. Said he was just going to act as an angel investor, not get involved, just invest in development, and see where things were in a year ( I swear the time frame slips further everytime, talk about cold feet ).

Which in isolation is a good offer, although, not without some risks.

But it's not in isolation. This is on the back of the whole sudden changing of mind, withdrawal offline, and last minute revelations and changes in plan. So. That factors quite heavily.

Where was this plan / offer five months ago ? Shall we just leave it til the last 48 hours instead ? Sound planning. I think all the best plans in history are cooked up 48 hours in advance. No ? No.

I told him flat it was all "good", was going to ditch the plan and consider my options. He said that seemed like an overreaction - which doesn't surprise me. He has singularly failed in the past to grok how his actions can affect others. He has stated as a matter of fact that "nothing he does should ever really be able to upset anyone else". Which. Is blatantly absolute bullshit - everything that people do affects others - but does starkly illustrate his problems with relationships and understanding when he upsets people, or why they should be upset, and also his own failure to process any emotions himself. In the past I've called him socially autistic.

But anywho.

The choice seemed pretty clear at this point. Pull out of any plans - as they had now changed yet a-fucking-gain.

Because let's face it. At the midnight hour, 48 hours before I am due to hit my original deadline of quitting work - I get this latest update in arrangement.

That is NOT how you do shit. It's. Unstable. At the very least in my humble opinion. I'm not dancing the fucking dance of What New Shit Will Turn Up Today every other day.

I have offered to talk to him about it. To explain some things. I said I was disappointed he felt he couldn't be involved. But he's declined to talk about it. Of course. Just a statement. No preamble. Nada. Ha ha. Nice. FFS.

Uh huh.

So what can you do ? Evasive. Changing of plans last minute. An avoidance of talking about it. At one level. What the fuck fuckery. I feel like I've wasted a good deal of mental energy in the last 5 months or so prepping for this, only now to basically have to think things through again. As I've said before I still have my plans and whatnot, and the wheels are now in motion. But still. It's not cool. I've never been in this position with my friend before, but I honestly feel quite let down by him here. He has had a somewhat, nebulous nature in the past - the running joke is that he has the attention span of a goldfish. There are a few things that he has stuck with in life, but everything else has limited attention span. By and large this has never affected his more serious plans, business, work etc. Until now. Looking on it from one point of view you can start to see a pattern of trying shit then ditching it, in ever quicker time frames. Perhaps this is part of his trying to find himself malarkey.

Nevertheless. I personally feel quite let down by this. And it's severely dented my level of trust in him and his word. Mental landscape update. My friend is now a flake. I feel like I now have to quite seriously balance an erratic nature with what he says. Says one thing. Does another. Part of me is really quite angry about it. And if I wasn't such a considered person, I would like to rip him a new asshole here, and tell him just how much of a dickehad he has behaved - fucking me around for 5 months and then altering at this last minute is just. Fucking shit. You don't *do* that to people. You certainly don't do it to friends. But. This is a wisdom thing. Or rather lack of it. A fairly horrible display of lack of wisdom.

To be fair to him he has underlined his word is good - willing to invest in a company to make games. But. I really do feel this is more a matter of honour than actually wanting to do it, being excited about it and yada. It's very clear he has no will to do this. The money is just a .. whatever... bit of a veil to cover a change of heart at the last minute. And sticking to his word - which I highly suspect he now regrets. I would also imagine that thin veil of, but look, I am still offering the money on the table, will be the absolute thinnest of fucking moral defences to an otherwise pretty shitty turn of events. Which is very much not Good Behaviour. The serious concern I would have with his heart not being in it, and just basically a plausible denial honourable ass covering move is that, after a certain period of time he would just follow through on the whole, not interested and then pull funding, leaving me to once again scrabble for answers at the last minute.

I've already had a warning shot across my bows - this is not a stable and predictable relationship. I would be fucking nuts to ignore that and risk another shot 9 months down the road - or whatever time period that would be.

Meh.

Even if he changed heart again at this point. The damage is done. You can't undo instability. Trust is hard to gain and easy to lose etc. And that's now sunk.

The whole evasion of talking about it honestly et al is just.. the extra shifty, shitty icing on the cake which underlines the whole fucky shitty nature about it.

In a very real sense it feels like I can't trust him anymore. Not only from a biz point of view, but from a *person* point of view. He's no longer telling me the truth. I think long term this could actually hurt quite badly our friendship. Which is crazy. But. I don't know where I stand with him anymore. Perhaps time passes and it gets better. I have a funny feeling this isn't going to be the case however.

Eh well.

Shit happens. Very surprising in this case. Quite a blind side "falling out", and one which I am just... left amazed by. Who knew my friend could be so... wobbly.

How something so cool and forward looking turned into a shit show.

For that alone, he deserves a very good smack.

Onwards and upwards.

My very short term goals at the moment are to not feel as sick as a dog. Get better. Then think things through. In the meantime. Just hole up and weather out my ill feeling period. And probably drag myself to the GP.