Jan 26

Dreary day today.

Chewed through work. Felt better than I have but pretty low energy and lacklustre. Worn out.

I have slept on the chat with my friend. About the entire avoidance of any mention of last minute ditching of plans. Wall of silence.

Meh.

I am fine with it all. As in. It's not going to be a major derailing of my life. But. Lets process the emotions. One of my friends is currently seeing a therapist, and, as she's a typical locked down, high achieving, repressed emotions, never was allowed to not just grit your teeth and buckle down type of person, the therapist has pointed out she has great trouble in expressing emotion - until it's too late. Boom. So. Write down how you feel each day. Force yourself to understand where you are.

It's good advice for those that are permanently wired to be the sacrificial achievers. And in her case absolutely crucial to getting a handle on why she's teetering on burnout.

Sometimes it's good advice for anyone. Stop. Consider how you feel.

So. How do I feel about my friend ? This isn't something I do a lot of myself. Used to just getting on with it.

So.

Disappointed. Betrayed. Angry. Unimpressed. Offended.

You get the gist. It's not about justification per se, or arguing the toss - those are literally the things I feel about the situation. The whole. Zero apology for fucking me around. Then avoiding the topic altogether. And yada blah. It's just. Shitty behaviour. Cowardly, even. Not taking responsibility for your actions. I play along like the good citizen, and just mirror back the social context I am presented with to have zero ruffling of feathers. But yeah. Perhaps that's wrong. Perhaps this is one of those cases where I don't properly enforce my boundaries and push back and say, no, fuck you, you don't get to pretend nothing happened. You're a dick. This is me telling you you're a dick.

Meh.

But like I say, don't get me wrong, it's not something that is going to keep me awake at nights. It is what it is. 

And I find myself struggling to maintain a feeling of deep friendship with him. Which is bonkers. But. More than anything I just, kinda dont want anything to do with him. Push comes to shove, whether my rational side likes it or not, I seem to have come to the conclusion that he's A Dick, and, I'd rather not spend time with A Dick. Particularly one that is dishonest about the whole thing. Because this is rather a huge betrayal of trust and word and yada. And then on top of it. He clearly doesn't want to talk or face up to that. Which. Assuming you're not going to fight that, and just let someone be who they are, leaves you with a fairly no brainer, ok, well, you're clearly not someone cool to hang around with.

Perhaps it's more about expectation. Because plenty of people treat me like shit. And I put up with it. Perhaps the expectation that he would never do that, and then has, ends up being the harder burn.

Whatever it is. I find myself less willing to care. Less bothered. More indifferent. Whatever.

And I think that's where I will leave it. It's a bit of a sad squib of an end for such a long friendship, but eh, shit happens. Maybe it will change. Maybe not.

Andy has been absent at work. Not sure what he's doing. Not doing work. Ended up talking direct to the clients today. When he is there he is unclear of where things are, what's being done or etc. Just leans into that whole impression of being absent. It crosses my mind whether he's actually just letting the business tick over and buggering off. Maybe not. What you can definitely say is his mind is not concentrating anymore. Hasn't been for months.

Eh well.

Seems like I haven't got many good words for anyone at the moment. I have to say I am kinda disenchanted all around at the moment.

That being said, my nephew phoned me up today. We chatted about some games hes bought to try and wean his son off of being permanently wired to a computer of some kind of another. My nephew is a good lad. Sweet that he keeps in touch with me. Not sure I deserve it.

Ugh. Tired of being ill. And tired of being tired. Very meta.

Positives

Slowly getting better, I think. GP tomorrow. Soon the weekend. I don't have a lot of energy to spare at the moment. My nephew commented I sounded tired. So. Struggling to have any va-va-voom for projects. I can still feel the small tingles of interest about doing some art, and models, and crap. But no energy to do it.

Hopefully by this weekend I will be feeling a good deal better. And can do shit. I have an offer to go play a long game on the weekend, but I have sat on the fence about it, waiting to see how well I feel.

I have drip fed some scratch building. Literally. 10 minutes in a day. If that. Almost like. Adding one piece on with a bit of glue. Then leaving it a day. The slowest build ever. But. It slowly comes together. Today, I cut out a quick step/riser into a block. Bit of cutting. Bit of glue. Done. I then ferreted out an old shower hose I am never going to use. Gonna cut it up. And use it as industrial piping. But. Another day.