Feb 10

 Whoa. A number of days.

Cough. Or rather. Bronchitis ? ( or signs of heart failure, take your pick, even the experts can't tell the difference ) Is still here and very much kicking. Less coughing during the night. More breathlessness and coughing on getting up. A little. Iffy. In places. I skirted on a panic this morning. Chill. You know what its like not to breathe from asthma. Do. Not. Panic. Breathe. Ok. Cool. But yeah. If I was in the presence of an asthma nurse, they'd have their "alarmed face" on. I'm ok. It settles during the day. I think it's just a case of at night it gets backed up, fills up the lungs and no bueno. That being said. The evenings can be a little.. hacky. I briefly read something recently that said they had figured out why asthma was worse at night and overnight. I am guessing all to do with the varying rhythms and timing of your body and the circadian rhythm.

Not been feeling super well either to go with the cough. Dizzy. Nausea. Tired. Blah blah. The usual. The chest pains have.. kinda.. gone away. Or at least moved. Now its the occasional stabbing pain in the chest elsewhere. I suspect this is just irritated and angry lungs from all the coughing.

Some days are worse than others. Some days I can take Athena for a walk and feel like absolute garbage afterwards. Some days its ok. I cooked myself a chicken stew on Tuesday, the preparation for which brought me really fucking low. Wobbly legs, woozy head, felt like shit. Marvellous.

Anywho.

Mood has been, eh, so so, with a couple of real low points. Pretty sure it's my health dragging me down. I am not getting much done because, I am not up to it. I've got meds sitting at my local pharmacy that have been there for a week and a half just waiting me to "feel a bit better". Heh. Meh. But I'm ok. It's not as if I am not going out. I am just. Conservative. With priorities. When going out. Pick your battles as it were.

I came to the conclusion over the weekend that I am a better person with a dog in my life. Dogs give me a focus other than the nihilistic abyss, a point of love and happiness and yada that otherwise, I don't have. I am by any measure, much better off with a dog in my life. That being said. They do tie you down and restrict your freedom. It's not that I begrudge them for that. Just more an acceptance that our human world is somewhat restrictive for them. I can't jump on a plane and take Athena on board with me, for instance. Even though, in theory, thats absolutely possible ( and does happen with support dogs ).

I am tending to take Athena with me wherever I go at the moment. 1) shes interested and it gets her interesting life experiences. 2) my time with her is running out. 3) we both like being together. It makes me a little... disappointed I can't take her everywhere. In simpler times, in a different world, she absolutely would be with me 24/7. Our modern sensitivities preclude such a thing however - unless you basically stay at home all the time. As it turns out, I'm much more of a early human happy to have my mutt with me wherever I go on the plains, than a fucked up no doggos allowed post modern human.

But that being said. I am not healthy enough I don't think to get another dog. Hum ho. Shit happens. Maybe I just need to shrug off "the cough" and I'll feel better.

Not sure if it's my general mood or what, but, on reflection, I have found myself to be very frustrated with work. Whilst intellectually I understand I have "stuck a pin in it" until the 19th Feb, another part of me is increasingly... fucked off... with that deal. Why. Are we sitting here doing the same fucking status quo bullshit. We were changing, no ? We've just casually signed away our initiative to once again sink into the mire of "Just One More Problem", "Just One More Job". Meh. Mehhhhhhhhhhhhhh. As each 24 hour period ticks by, the inner less intellectual part of me is increasingly angry. Step back. Examine the whole. You've just signed more days of your life away again. You dick head. What did you get out of it ? Nothing. More frustration. What did Andy get out of it ? More time to continue doing exactly the same shit we've been doing before. Is that a good deal ? No it's fucking not. You've once again had your good nature used against you by being "reasonable". Grrrrrrrrr.

Still. Put up with it. The 19th isn't so far away after all. But yes. That's another shitty compromise. Or rather. *I* am the one once again compromising. It's not like any other fucker even budged. Uh huh. Ok. Lesson learned. This is the last time I compromise and no one else does. Fuck that noise. One more week. That's all. Not soon enough.

On reflection this whole stymied thing may also be feeding into a lower mood.

On the whole though, it's good. I think I am getting better at understanding how shit affects me. And I have to stop always saying yes.

I bought a new gas hob sometime ago. My old hob is still servicable and quite nice, despite being over 20 years old. But. Heh. It does end up shorting out the whole house if you aren't super careful cleaning it ( water gets in, it touches the igniter, the whole house trips ). I have put up with this for years. But eh. I figured it was time to get a new one to match my oven and retire the old workhorse. 20+ years is not a bad run for a bit of kitchen equipment. 

So the new one came.

They couldn't install it. Your cabinets are 1.5 cm too low. Also. If you close the extractor fan door, thats 20cm too low. Of course. If you open it, it's all good extractor fan wise.

So no install. Back it goes.

Apparently I cannot be trusted not to burn my own house down, despite having had a hob there for more than 20 years with zero problems. I also cannot be trusted to open the extractor fan door. It's surprising that allow me steps in my home, on the offchance that I trip and break my neck.

I was ok with it. I cancelled the order. They didn't get a sale.

But it is somewhat fucking annoying on another level. 1.5cm. Too low. And assume you dont open an extractor fan door. Fucking bureaucracy. Despite 20+ years of faultless operation. No no. You can't do that mate.

Honestly.

It's a fucking wonder we managed to survive the previous 100,000 years without such precautions protecting us. A miracle.

Meh.

So apparently I will have my current gas hob until the end of time. Or I rip out my kitchen. Either or. Of course. No one has anything to say about the current setup. Just a new one.

In some ways, this country absolutely blows for shit like that. We are - on social media - the laughing stock of the world because of our often insistence on "having a licence for that mate". We do love a bit of telling people what they can and can't do in this country. To a fault. I am not advocating some liberal nutcase land of no laws and guns. Just a bit of fucking common sense would be nice though. As in everything. Nuance. No laws - bad. Too many laws - bad. Figure it out.

In any case. Storm in a teacup. I quite like my current gas hob. It's just a bit.. electrically temperamental. I guess now I have a clear direction, I will rip it out and fix it myself. A judicious bit of silicone sealant is probably the easiest hacky fix. Alternatively. I could ask around for someone willing to install a hob that doesn't quite meet the current guidelines. Particularly if I just remove the fucking extractor fan door entirely. It's two screws. That leaves you with a failure of 1.5cm either side. Anyway.

I am making "post work" plans with people. I've agreed to do some gratis work for someone. Yeah. I know. Ha ha ha. Good move Johnny. But eh. Assuming. I am well enough. And still kicking.

Positives.

Despite it all, I am feeling positive about the future. Don't get me wrong. I am giving myself a coin flip about carking it in the near future. My health is garbage. And I am not entirely convinced my cardio is All That. But eh. We shall see. As ever. If I do suddenly drop down dead - from say a heart attack and or hacking my guts up ( nearly passed out a few times ) - it can't come too soon. Roll on oblivion.