Feb 11

 Cough went quiet overnight. It's finally gone ?

No. Difficulty breathing this morning. Annnddd back it comes. Worse by each step as the morning wears on. I did take a dose of paracetamol AND aspirin last night. So. Uh huh. Maybe I need to keep dosed up. Anti inflammatories toning down the inflammation ? Aspirin thinning the blood and making the cardio more efficient and less gloopy ? Who knows. ( there is an interesting run away shit storm that happens when your oxy gets low and your cardio is so so, making your body create more blood cells, which makes your blood more gloopy, which can slow down your pulmonary, which pushes your oxy lower, which makes more blood cells... annnddd.. oh... wait.. )

Had a meeting with a client yesterday. Andy was in on the meeting. Talking about changes and important future work and yada.

It was weird.

Andy seems to be in full on denial mode. Like. Nothing has happened. That everything is tickety boo.

Making plans for me a long way out.

He half floated an idea that he intends to present as The Fix For All Things next week - namely he wants to start a new company and sell ( cheaply ) our pre-built stuff. IE. All the crap I've built and formed into a nice enterprise architecture thing, he wants to sell to others. As a new company. We have one - shitty - possible client interested.

I said nothing. Other than the idea was 5 years too late. I've told him we should do that for most of the last decade. I felt obliged at the end that we still had to talk so strong was his denial. And it was not roses. He knew. He was positive.

Hardcore denial.

No dude. I do not want to start a new company with you. Ooh. I get to work my ass off, do everything, and see half the profit ? Whilst you get to, sit there, derp around and profit ? And write everything that has gone on so far off ? And I am still plugged in as the golden goose ?

Well, slap me sideways and call me sheila. Where do I sign up for that great deal ?

I mean from his point of view, this is a great plan. Everything is an up. Doesn't cost shit. Doesn't have to do shit. Signs me up for more work to earn him money. More Teslas for Andy. From my point of view this succcckkkksss. I do not what a second helping of more shit please and thank you. It also shows a remarkable tone deafness from Andy. What does he think I gain from this ? Why on earth would I agree to this ? So I actually have a written in paper thing that says partner ? Ha ha. No. Worthless. Been there, done that.

So. No.

There are other issues with this. The client in particular he has in mind are a bunch of fuckfaces. They asked us for a system previously, then balked at the cost telling us - you just have to reskin it, we're not paying you that much ( This was entirely untrue, they were asking for some bespoke stuffs ). Excellent. I see you are the technical masters, clearly you should do this yourself.

Sometime later they came back again. Because they really really wanted it. And went away again. There are plenty of people out there like that. Want something for nothing. And absolutely don't respect your expertise - they'll just pout about not getting what they want instead. And it's that kind of business Andy wants to sell cheaply to - ie, we make a loss. How about. No fucking way. You're leaning into a shitty, non grateful, non respectful relationship. Oh. Ohhhh. Like some of our other clients you have pursued. I see. Ok. This is the whole "Andy shouldn't really head up any business" point I've made in the past. He hasn't got the chops for it.

Anywho. All round shitty plan. Client doesnt want to pay. Slags you off. Andy sees that as an opportunity to grovel harder and just give them what they want at a cheap but negative profit way.

Good lord.

But he's in hardcore denial. And desperate for a plan. What problem ? No problem.

The chat next week is going to be hard. It's going to be like trying to talk to an anti-vaxxer about vaccines. But. At the final analysis. What the fuck does it matter. I can just walk away. I am only saying it's difficult because despite everything, I'm still trying not to entirely burn him. If I didn't give a shit, I wouldn't even be talking to him. Let alone carry on working in the meantime.

I'm prepared for any outcome. Including him withholding payment ( he hasn't paid me for the missing month, he is waiting for funds ) and me walking away right there and then.

The money is already dead to me. If I get it. Good. If I don't. Expectations met. Obviously, yes, I could do with all the money I can get my hands on. More money = more burn time. But. It's ok. I have savings. I am not absolutely desperate for the money he has on me.

Overall this also does not feed well into my "angry frustration" about nothing changing and me just fucking compromising to continue work. Because he carries on like everything is fine, and keeps making long range plans. Meh. Talk about "if I don't acknowledge it, it can't happen!"

Incidentally. If we're tracking the five stages of grief malarkey, then we are right on target. A recap - the five stages are -

Denial
Anger
Bargaining
Depression
Acceptance

The unstated initial reaction is of course shock. So. We had shock already from Andy. And now we're firmly into Denial. From the looks of it Bargaining and Anger are going to be mixed up together. Which. Is not uncommon. That whole pattern of wheedle - rage - wheedle - rage. You often see this with not so great relationship breakups. You're a whore ! Please come back I love you. I hate you dickhead ! Please I miss you. Etc. The strange flip flop between extremes. Which makes sense when you think about it. Eh. Predictability.

Anyway.

Going go try and potter around and do some stuff today. Either that or rest. And catch my breath. Literally. Ugh. I might just chill and do some painting instead. And make the effort to go out and pick up my meds.

Butt update. It's been a while ! It's basically all healed. There is a "dent" where there used to be a hole. But it seems otherwise.. entirely gone. Like. I didn't have an open wound there for just over 2 and a half years. Amazing. Also slightly weird what you get used to, and then get used to again. Already the memory of it is fading fast. Did I really have a big hole in my ass for 2 years ? Surely not. Goddamn scrubbing brain. My clean up of shit crew in my head are fanatical. Ohhh we don't want this bad experience anymore. CLEANERS. BRING THE BLEACH. Pros and Cons I guess. Interesting that the .. reflex... whatever... is so strong in me though.

Did I mention I was on the edge of getting another dog ?

Yeah.

A rescue boxer. Local. Boy. 3-5 years old ( unknown birthdate???). All good. Except bizarrely no toilet training ( kept in a back yard all his life ??? ).

But someone else posted they would take him. A single comment. If it wasn't for that. I'd probably have another boxer by now. Despite all my reservations.

On reflection I am glad he has a home and that I didn't go get him. It would complicate my life, and I am really unsure I am healthy enough to deal with a vibrant doggo. Plus. You know. I half expect to kick the bucket at any time which wouldn't be fair on poor doggo. Athena is different. She's at the end of her life and.. eh.. I'll outlive her. Probably. Or it'll be a close run thing. Maybe.

Saying that, I will end up living another 40 years. Just out of some gods miserable spite.

I could see that happening.

Sigh.

Positives.

Well. That's tricky. I am sick of being sick. Really goddamn .. sick.. of it. Ha. It would be nice if the cough fucked off. So. Health is just being a bit of an arse and dragging me down to its level at the moment. I mean when is it NOT. But at the moment. It's really challenging.

Lets. Try. Really. Hard. To. See. Positives.

Focus. Go.

It's the weekend for me. I can chill.

Only one week to go before work resolves itself and I can finally knock Andy off his stupid fucking denial pedestal.

Hopefully my cough goes away soon.

I can do some painting. Some art. Noodle.

I can't feel any of that. But. Heh. Trying.

Stay happy and well my people. Or. Try. Look. I'm trying. If I can do it, you can do it. Ha.