Feb 12

 Holy shit.

If you want to glimpse into the shitty and bizarre health rollercoaster that is my life, then last night is probably a good example.

So. Good news. My cough has eased off. Still there. But yeah. Calmed way down. All good.

Last night I was pulled out of sleep by feelings of queasy. Alexa. What's the time. 1.14am. I suddenly felt too hot, and sick. Mmm k. Roll over. Ok. That's not going away, and now it's worse.

This escalated pretty fast, and for once, unlike the other nausea, this felt like I was going to throw up. Got up. To the bathroom. Proceeded to have the shits feeling like I was also going to throw up. Ok. No vomiting. Clean up. Shower off. Back to bed.

Ok no, really going to throw up now. Back downstairs. Heaved unproductively a few times, then, oh goody, the fun starts.

Arms went like lead. It was very hard to move them. Tinnitus roared. And. Oh my. My vision is narrowing. I am going. To. Pass out. So there I am. At 1.25AM. Yet again. Crashed out on the freezing bathroom floor. Naked. Gasping for air. Inbetween blacking out and throwing up.

I stabilised for a minute. Liquid shits. Just about cleaned up before, that's it, tinnitus is at a peak, the world is going black. I stumbled / half just hit the floor. At least it wasn't entirely uncontrolled.

Everything was gone by this point. Somewhere very faint at the very back of the mess was a thought - wow, its super cold, you are super cold, this is going to fuck you up. But. Tiny voice that disappeared as soon as it came. The cold went away. Couldn't feel it. It was ok.

It felt like I was on the floor for a minute. Two minutes tops.

By the time I very shakily picked myself up it was a little after 2am.

Walking back to bed my head toyed with the idea of blacking out. Buzzing. Screeching. Oh so unfortunately familiar. Sick.

Made it to bed. Sent a message to Hazel. Heh. Sigh. Because when I feel like I'm gonna kick it, invariably, it's Hazel I ping ( and I know she's up at that stupid hour ). I know she will be there to sort shit out if I go down the drain hole. And. I trust her. Despite. All the difficulties. Borderline. Et al. For that shit. I trust her.

I spoke to her for 5 minutes, slowly the sickness and everything went back to just "crappy" as opposed to "apocalyptic".

I left all the lights on in the house. Everything just as I had exited it. Not enough energy or wellness to switch it all off. Just. Sleep.

So. Yeah. That's that. Another new exciting thing. Passing out and vomiting at the same time. Good times.

I have a weird and shitty relationship with my body since last year.

I have no fucking clue what it's going to do next, it's often pretty fucking dicey, and none of the rest of my life experiences have taught me anything about what to expect. I've had so many (shitty) "first" experiences this last 15 months, it's not funny.

Riding the shit health train into hell.

I can only once again reflect that it's not the dying so much. It's the really shitty suffering ways my body is roulette wheeling through to possibly get me there. No. Bueno.

This morning, I am, mostly ok. Cough is way way down. I feel like I've been punched in the eyes, and my body feels...traumatised. Faintly sick. Faintly dizzy. Frail. But. In the scale of things. I'm ok. I've had worse.

Ho hum.

Let's just pretend none of that happened eh ? Mental scrubbing team ! To work !

In other news.

Had my chiro session yesterday. And finally picked up my meds. And did some stuff. The cough was finally letting me do shit.

I talk to my chiro about all sorts. I'm only with him for 10 minutes, tops, so, we dont super know each other. But, we do know each other a little. He's smart. And quick. And very opinionated. We do not shre the same viewpoint ( he quite likes Trump despite him acknowledging him being an asshole for starters ) but I appreciate where he's coming from. And he's interesting to talk to. He asked me what I had been up to. I very briefly regaled him with the whole Andy being in denial. Nothing more. No background to the bullshit.

The chiro said. The trouble is. This affects your health. And he is messing you around. Don't let him mess you around. You're very good at what you do ( well ok, how would you know, well, apart from me advising him on IT stuff and GDPR for his biz.. ha ha ).

He made me promise that next week, I should not let Andy mess me about. I needed stability. It struck me as funny that someone who only knew the briefest of things about it, had already pegged that Andy was, in that way, a bit of a dick.

He said another thing to me. That I did well *period*. That I handled my health issues and mental health issues really well. That when things got difficult I became very pragmatic. Which he thought was very good. And that I shouldn't underrate myself. That I was doing really well handling it all. He gave a counterpoint example of his sister in law to show me the contrast. Eh. A case study of one. But. Ok.

Uh huh.

It was a nice thing to say. Something. I don't hear. No one has ever turned around to me and said, hey, I see the war you are fighting, and you are doing good. It's hard. You fail sometimes. But. I appreciate the fight you put up.

Eesh.

It feeds in a little to my recent thoughts that maybe I am not so fucked up as I think I am. Maybe I am indeed doing a better job of coping that a lot of people.

It's. Uncanny. The chiro echoed that. 

Anyway. Had a lovely walk with Athena yesterday. I really did get out and about a bit more yesterday. Day was sunny but cold. But nice in the sun. Very zen.

Positives.

Again. Despite it all. Feeling. Kinda positive. Ish. Not miserable. Life is relentlessly throwing shit at me. And. I'm coping. At least for the moment, ho ho ho.

Thoughts about doing my art, painting, low intensity, creative stuff, keeps an inner bit of me happy. Like a toddler with a favourite toy. Perhaps that's all any of us are in one part of our core. A toddler. That needs to be happy. I heard something the other day from a shrink, that it was important to remember our inner child, and keep our inner child happy. Tricky. I think it boils down to keeping a sense of simplistic wonder. And experiencing that.

Resting today. Oh my god am I resting. I am doing shit all and taking it very, very easy.

Thought for the day : Never take your health for granted. If you don't have any health worries at the moment, don't be complacent. That's a fantastic opportunity for you to do other shit. Or just sit and enjoy. Because. It aint always like that. One thing I would do if I could go back in time is absolutely hammer that point home into my head. Make the most of it. The old adage is true though. Youth is wasted on the young. By the time you figure a lot of shit out, it's too late. Ha.