Feb 14

 Feeling a little better today, but still like I'm circling the drain.

Started the day pretty snappily, unusual for me on a Monday. By 10.30 I had rolled back a system, coded an update, tested it, released it, tested it again, added some extentions for future proofing and emailed the client about it... with screenshots.

Productive. Also. Super fucking star level of output and competence.

I CC'd Andy.

It's my passive aggressive way of saying you don't matter. Ha ha. You only deserve a CC.

The rest of the day I nursed my not so great health and noodled with javascript - went for a nap at lunchtime, and then because I felt so crap, decided to do some pretty hard cardio up a local hill with Athena.

Because as my fucked up thinking goes, if I am gonna blow a fuse, let's get it over with and let's blow a fuse by doing something phsyically demanding and hard on the cardio when you feel like garbage.

Clearly however, I survived.

Disappointing.

After the shakes and bleggh, I actually feel a bit better. Perhaps I need a bit of a cardio blow out to push all the shit around a bit harder and clean it out. A do or die approach. Or perhaps just excercise - ha ha. Well. A specific kind of exercise. It has to push me pretty hard. I can do that. But. I worry whether Athena can do that. She's for sure got more energy and va-va-voom than me. But I am not sure she has the sustainability to do that a lot. Resting the old lady between whooshes is working very well at the moment.

I dunno.

I think I will go back to my last year plan and start hauling my gigantic whale ass swimming. Not exactly hard burn. But eh. Maybe it will move some different muscles.

Cough is most definitely not gone. Or going. I stopped taking aspirin and paracetamol. Perhaps that is something to do with it. Lungs feel like a "cheese grater". I know that means nothing. But its always the description I have given. Raw.

I took it easy last evening after my busy day. Early night. Spent time away from the computer painting some things. I felt better for it. I think I feel more rested when I spend time away from computers and just noodle on something low effort creative. Can't say it entirely pleases me as in, I don't want to have to be in a position where I have to put computers down. But eh.

Positives

I am hoping I shape up a lot healthwise this week. Oh god I hope so. This weekend I get to go down south. Do Shit. Have the conversation with Andy. And, as of next week, everything will be different.

My last week of normality.

I spoke with Hazel a little about it yesterday. She was fired up and in a fighting mood about it all. Take me with you ! I'll tell him ! Don't cave into him ! You want more money ! Less time ! Fuck him ! Or you just leave ! etc etc. It's nice that people care and are willing to fight that hard for me. I pointed out the logistics of bringing her with me would be difficult to impossible. Dog. And Hazel. Where would she stay etc. I could get the train back she said. Which. Is huge for her, as she tends to shy away from doing that kind of thing. I nicely declined her kind offer. Asking too much of her. She said I should just dial in her as a video call instead. Ha ha. 

So, roll on this week. I think I will try and get some more hefty excercise in over the following days, something I utterly despise. But if it makes me feel better, fuck it, I'm doing it. I will have to think about how to handle this with Athena. Ideally, she goes wherever I go. But. I don't want to burn the old lady out.