Feb 15

 Early night again last night. Retired away from the computer and did a small amount of painting letting some weird film play in the background.

It could be a coincidence, but, I feel a little better doing this.

Today however, bleh, feel very off, unwell, not great. Last night I was pulled out of sleep again feeling... queasy.

Not again. Alexa. Whats the time. 1.25am.

Oh goody. Roughly the same time as the last Event.

I rolled over and tried to ignore it.

This time it didn't go apocalyptic on me.

Ho hum.

Perhaps that has taken its toll on me today. My black eyes - never fully gone - have returned with quite some vengeance. Pissholes in the snow. And I can feel them in that way that you can when your eyes get really shitty. Meh. And the twitches have gone up a notch. As has the tinnitus. Ha. Jeez. The thought has now crept into my head that I may need to cancel the end of week travels if I still waver and feel like shit. I don't know though. It's pretty rare that I travel when I am feeling ok - usually I drag myself down to visit feeling like absolute garbage. Eh. We shall see.

Started in on work, crunching away at the quarryface, but, eh, I think I need a rest day today given my condition. On balance. I'm not going to. But meh. I probably should.

I read something today. About someone angsting over the fact they did not help a homeless person outside their appartments when the temps were freezing. They wanted to. But then they feared the act of charity would attract other homeless people and "drag the area down". So they did nothing.

Very human.

Very flawed.

Very understandable.

This is a good snapshot of the petty evils that form the roots of society that are then built upon to form great edifices of uncaring evil. And it's not particularly that those people are caricature evil people rubbing their hands together and cackling in nefarious glee. It's about "normal" people. Just. People. Going left instead of right. Normalizing a bit of uncaring.

Treat others as you yourself would want to be treated. The instinct to help, is a good one. The repercussions are then feared. I will be overwhelmed with people wanting help. Which should tell you something. That's fucked. As in the system.

But yes. I know the system is fucked. But what can I do as a little person.

First of all, know that they system is nothing but little people. If all the little people decide to do something.. it will get done. If each little person decides, but I can't do shit, so I wont do shit. Then nothing gets done. Because en masse, they decide that it's impossible. And a great evil is done from a million petty evils.

But it's not that simple ! Organising people is hard. Impossible. People argue. Can't be bothered.

True.

But if we let our fear of consequences diminish our capacity to help. To care. Then we are truly lost and deserve the uncaring brutal future we plot for ourselves.

Shit can be hard. Making the right choice can be brutally hard. And require sacrifice. And no thanks. And getting attacked. And standing alone. Because people don't like reminders they are being shitbags via examples of others not being shitbags. It disrupts their quiet capability to rationalise away their not so stellar choices.

But it gets easier the more of you there are.

And heres the actual important thing - it's about the trying.

You always fail the task you never even try. So. You must try. Even if there is no hope of success. Try. Because maybe you are not the best judge of what is possible and your judgement of there being no hope could well be.. wrong. And because if you try, maybe you inspire others. Show others. And if you want to change shit, you have to try. Sitting on your ass doing nothing is a guarantee that shit continues. And if one person can stand up and do something. Then maybe someone else realises they too can do that. And on. And on.

But I have no energy. Or time. Or willpower.

Absolutely. Life can be brutal. And the first rule must be to be careful about not self destructing yourself. Know your limits. Help when you can. Rest when you can't. It is important not to burn out in the trying.

That being said. Sometimes. For the absolutely committed. Paragons. Idiots. Heroes. Nutcases. Burning out happens. The Sacrifice. Not healthy, but it does make a point.

There is a book called the Hagakure which is the ruminations of one of the "last" Samurai from feudal Japan. Written at a time ( early 1700's ) when that era was basically over, things were changing, and that pattern of life would disappear. And the Samurai author knew it.

In it is condensed a whole lot of ideology and thinking on the Samurai mentality, some of it is nutcasery shaped by a fanatical devotion to Your Betters, and some of it is pure applicable wisdom ( but all of it is fascinating.. although heavy to get through ).

At one point of the book he goes over what it is to be a Samurai. The Samurai ethic (bushido - or at least the Hagakures take on it) notes that you must greet each day as if it's your last. No hesitation in laying down your life for a cause. This allows you to always give your best - to burnout for a cause in the most extreme way possible. And this is the (Samurai) ideal way to live and gives you immense freedom and capability. The background soothing rationale to that, is that all of life is but a dream anyway, living in a dreamscape, and death is simply an exit from the dream. Nice fairy tales to justify self extermination. But there's another bit to it. It says, despite being at peace with laying down your life on any given day, do NOT give your life away cheaply. Just because it's possible, do not run into the arms of annihilation with wild abandon. Consider it. Your life is worth something. The giving away of your life cheaply is, according to that ethos, just as bad as not giving it away at all and always running from the fight.

Of course, that whole way of life is pretty extreme. Hardcore. A fanatical devotion to the hierarchy. But within it are seeds of wisdom. About how to live your life. How to know when to give it your all - and what that means - and when not to. Above all the implied lesson in there is not to live in fear and to do what is right. But also. Don't be a fucking idiot.

Which comes back to our person not helping the homeless person.

Should they have given a blanket to a freezing homeless girl ?

That they did not, does it make them a bad person ?

The simple answers are yes, and yes, respectively. The complicated human answers are maybe and it makes you human.

Ignoring such a person in need is absolutely not a good thing. But if you yourself are out of energy, options, capability, then, you're in no position to do something. Ah yes. But. Is it time for me to expend that last piece of me, self destruct myself, to help someone else. See the Hagakure. Do you give your life away cheaply ? Is it worth that price set against what you could later achieve ? Self destructing in a poorly considered way is, according to that thinking, just as much as an evil as doing nothing.

But let's be concrete about this. Come down from the philosophical stratosphere.

In that situation. The person feared help with encourage an army of homeless people to descend upon their apparment block. Ok. 1) Can you tackle that problem at a higher level ? Soup kitchens ? Places to sleep ? Local authority stuff ? 2) Cross that bridge when you come to it ? Thinking of things 3 steps down the road as reasons to not do something - and that may never occur - is a sure fire way for you to justify sitting on your ass forever. 3) Contact support groups, authorities etc to help the person in need, advocate for that person. You wont be encouraging others to come to your appartments, but you absolutely will get that person help. 4) Consider offering your time or expertise or a donation or just vocal support to those support groups et al, to strengthen them so they can help more people. 5) If all else fails, help them, irrespective of the cost, so long as it doesn't burn you out. The consequences may never happen anyway.

Also. Rather hilariously. But not really. Consider the religious teachings here. All of them would urge you to help. What Would Jesus Do. Etc. It's not about the religion. It's not about believing in sky fairies or that some dude created everything in 6 days. But there is good wisdom in those texts about helping people. About not being a dick. Filter the shit away from the gold. And once you get past the corrupted controlling bullshit, the basic messages of a lot of that stuff is good, at heart. Help. Be kind. Don't judge. Don't be materialistic. Put others well being above money. We're all in it together.

Anyway.

Life is complicated. And from moment to moment we are never our perfect selves. Can never be our perfect selves. Perfection is an idea, not an attainable goal. We make mistakes and have flaws, fears, burdens, baggage. We struggle on and can only do our best. But we can hold in our minds what is a worthy target, a worthy goal, and strive to meet it, even if some days we don't even manage to lift ourselves from the dirt. We can try. Even if somedays we get nowhere at all. That's ok. Try tomorrow. And eventually. Like a self perpetuating effect. A little help passed on will go round and around. And maybe you will change the shitty world you live in to a better one.

But it starts with an individual. And it starts with trying.