Feb 17

 Yesterday was mehhhhh. Nothing truly terrible in the great scope of things. But. Yeah. Not good.

I woke up feeling... weird. Under a pretty heavy unwell cloud cover. Like being wrapped in a cloying, ill, duvet. Muffled. Shitty. Meh.

I proceeded to work my ass off and crunch through some seriously complex coding.

Ha ha.

By 4pm I was wiped. I was buzzing. Literally. Buzzing. White noise tinnitus, stretched too thin, unwell, exhausted, nerves jangling, twitchy, dizzy, dizzy, always dizzy. Head stuffed with cotton wool. Whoa. Super cool. Also horrible. But. You know. Hey. Did you know humans could do this ? Fascinating ! Are we going to have a fit ? Die ? Collapse ? Excitement. Note it down ! Oh boy do I feel like garbage !

Always the guinea pig.

So I had a super early night. I mean like. Asleep by 5pm. Then awake for a bit. Then asleep again. Then awake, then asleep until 5am. Then roll over and sleep again.

Ha.

Throughout it all I am dizzy. In bed. Awake. Up. Working. Doing shit.

Dizzy.

And it's been that way for ooh. Weeks now. I'm just. Sorta. Used to it at this point. A perpetual dizzy state. It's ok. Sort of. It means the room tends to move of its own accord. And sometimes moving fast, or bending down or some shit *really* makes the room spin. Just. Grit your teeth and power through.

Anyway. Enough of that bullshit.

Briefly spoke to Andy this morning about the upcoming meet. Saturday is going to be the day. He started asking me questions about tax. I answered some questions but then kinda cut him off. I see where you're going with this. Don't waste your time with it. My direction isn't yours. I am exiting. Not doubling down. But we can talk about it.

I think this is probably the first proper challenge to the hardcore denial he has been in.

It's not going to go the way you think it is.

Too late for that. And shit has changed. And yada. I can go through the myriad reasons. But. Yeah.

Anyway. We will see I guess. Never say never, I certainly don't know everything or what the future is like, so, yeah. But. I'm pretty sure how this plays out.

Again I feel a little sorry for him at points like this. It's not a nice thing to go through. But then again. You know. Look to your own goddamn actions. Actions have consequences. This is just Andy - for a large part - reaping what he has sown. And yeah, of course, that's not great. Anxiety inducing. But. It's his own fault. And life is sometimes like that. You fuck up. You have to pay the consequences. Of course no one likes doing that. Even when it is your own stupid fault.

Part of adulting. Shitty. But there it is.

But for all that. It's not just about Andy and the whole work situation. Let's not forget that. It's not a single focused issue. There are many things that place my path right here, right now. My health and at the very least my much greater grasp of my own fragile mortality. My self realisations across a range of things. My friend reminding me who I am, what I want to do. A whole bunch of mental landscape shifts. In fact it's all of those things - not Andy, not work, that are the weightier things in this equation.

Make no mistake, a positive benign work setup would probably.. continue to distract me from the "Greater Good" ( pffft ah ha ha, good my ass ) .. and probably maintain a status quo that would keep Andy happy. But it aint. So it aint. And in the last 9 months or so, the whole work situation has done its best to underscore why its fucked up, and continually poured gasoline onto an already lit dumpster fire.

 Positives

I'm feeling a little bit better today. Still feel wrapped in a duvet of cloying toxicity. But less so. Slightly less cotton wool in the head. A little bit more energy.

Everytime I walk past my Shelf of Plantness in the kitchen, it cheers me up. I am super enjoying my plants. I like plants. I don't often get a chance to indulge. That being said, I am in no way a gardener or show any kind of skill with that shit. I don't have the patience. Or the learning. Or the capability to regularly commit to a schedule. I am an agent of chaos. Not order ( hilarious given my super hardcore computer skills and archi elegance obsession which is nothing if not teasing pure order from bullshit chaos ). Anyway. So. I like plants. But. Plants don't especially like me. Ish. Ha ha. 

The other cool thing about my Shelf of Plantness ? Most of the plants on it are given to me by my friends and family. How very cool is that. Hey. Fuckface. Some people think enough of you to gift you a plant. I suppose you're not entirely a shitbag. Heheh. Always so nice to myself. Wait. What was that #1 rule again. Don't be a dick to yourself. What idiot thought that up. Me. I am the idiot. Wait. . . .




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