Feb 18

 I burned out with work yesterday. Spluttered into comatose.

Not entirely helped from pushing out a release before 9.30am, helping our dev(s), talking with a client, and.. so on.. whilst trying to do something crunchy.

I flaked out hard by midday. The brain wouldn't engage.

Sometimes if I (short term) burn out like this, it's like the wheels spin, but they cant touch the floor. You can force it, and you do stuff in fits and bursts and fizzle out again. Spluttering.

I went for a walk with Hazel in the afternoon. I felt like absolute shit. Shaky legs. Stuffed head. Nauseous. Cough cough cough. So much for the better start to the day.

On hearing this Hazel asked if it was the best time for a walk.

Yeah. Sure. You're right. But I just have to do shit, regardless of how I feel. I briefly related to her how I was really rough this week. Circling the drain. In that holding pattern waiting for something to pop and the docs to finally say, oh It Was This All Along. Yeah. Thanks.

On the way back she wanted to pop into the local shop to top up her electricity. I sat in the car in the carpark and slumped. Felt. Like. Utter. Shit.

Got home. Awful. Pondered if I should eat. The thought was making my nausea get worse. Eh. But sometimes.

So I ate something. Felt a tiny bit better. Tiny.

Went to bed.

And stayed there. About 16 hours if you're counting. I got up at one point, stuck some washing on, went back to bed. Slept. Got up again. Hung the washing up. Back to bed. Slept.

Through it all I did not feel good. At times... yikes. I thought I was going to hit the floor. Preparing the washing, my arms got heavy, chest tightened up, neck tightened up, ooh, nice, heart attack ?, cmon, give me a kick in the chest next.

A few moments of fear. Oh no. This is it. Gonna pop. But small. And quickly covered by, hey, it's ok. If it's time, it's time. It's been a long time coming, and you aren't sticking around for anything anyway. That's more than ok. Peace.

Today. I feel a bit better. Thank fuck. Whether I maintain is another story. Today is the day I travel down south. Allegedly. Supposedly. Assuming I am well enough. In a perfect world I would put it off. It's not a perfect world. So. Grit your teeth. Do the thing. And it is like this I have to talk to Andy. Maybe I can pull together an hour or two of performance. And then slump. Or maybe not. Maybe I just wont have the energy. Yeah. No thanks. Goodbye. Thats all I have to say.

This deadline has morphed.

From a point of kick off of opportunity, to one where it feels like I am just preparing my own departure from this mortal coil. I am still hopeful I slowly pull myself out of this big old dip. But eh. Yeah. I am frail. And shit hammers me these days. If you step back and look at the big picture, it's not great. Eh well. One day at a time. Tomorrow will be better. Perhaps it's just a bad phase. Perhaps a trip down south and sorting stuff out with Andy will be the start of a general improvement.

It does clarify a few things though.

There will be no notice period. This last few weeks has gone from ok, to tolerable, to intolerable, to why the fuck did I agree to this ?

I wont be making the same mistake twice. Cant. My reserves are out. I am no longer the person you can rely on to take the piss with, assume that all the compromises go in my direction and I just happily shovel shit into my mouth. Done.

There's not going to be any magic answer - from Andys point of view - where everything returns to the status quo. Not even if a huge pile of cash appears on the table. The past is the past.

So today.

I have a few things today. I am going to take it as super easy as I can do. REST. And then do the journey. And hopefully, that helps.

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