Feb 25

 Friday. Ooh. Ahh. Unff. Yeah !

Feeling a little worse for wear today, but, on the whole, I'm alright.

So yay for that.

I'm actually doing some work today. Voluntarily. To get shit done. This is me being a conscientious professional. Yeah yeah. Work life balance. Being taken advantage of. Not resting. This is 100% my call, and something I felt needed to be done. Let's get this shit done. That's part of who I am. We get shit done. And this is ok. I am a grown up.

The comments from my friend rattle around in my brain. I'll be honest some inner part of me burns like a super hot white flame at the fucking outrage of it all. Fuck you. And the horse you rode into town on. Some friends who know both of us had things to say. Brutal. But not about my behaviour. There was one wise thread that came up however.

I was told I was the better person here. "Better". Or putting it another way they said I understood the waters I swam in. He did not. Out of his depth. Struggling to put 2 and 2 together. Reacting in.. questionable ways, sensitive, smarting, and at times, outright, absolutely slam dunk fucking dispeakable ways ( This is how you should feel etc ). And the point made was. I had the responsibility to be better. To absorb that bullshit. Accept that I was dealing with a flailing person. Do not. Just bear down on them and give them two barrels of the truth. We discussed it. You don't always treat people equal. Sometimes you have to do the positive discrimination, you let some people get away with shit that others, that are more capable, you don't let get away with.

There is definitely wisdom there. And I said as much. It was noted the lines my friend had crossed. But. Still. I knew what shit was about. And he didn't. Take the high road. And accept the flailing.

Which by default, over and over, I do.

On the other hand. People line up to tell me I accept to a fault. I was told yesterday again my boundaries are shit - I do a poor job of enforcing them and let people walk all over me. And I forgive.

That word came up again.

Nice.

I know you like to be nice. But it ends up costing you a lot. Sometimes say no. Sometimes say to people, fuck you. What you did was more than OK. Cut him out. Shut him down. Let him figure out where he is and what he's doing, and if he's actually a friend, and gives a shit, and actually does something for you, then maybe, maybe talk to him.

That's brutal as fuck. I am not sure I have it in me. I said as much.

They already knew that. They went on a rant about his historical behaviour. Oof.

Eh well.

There was, one little ironic icing on the cake.

My friend when describing his shitty behaviour from his dad, guessed that perhaps, his latest passive aggressive sulk was caused by him not thanking him sufficiently for a £50 steak. The tone of voice very clearly indicated what my friend thought about that. Not a big fucking deal. In fact, maybe even a shade dismissive, but, we'll give him the benefit of the doubt for being emotionally engaged with this ( but unable to express it or know it .. sigh ) . But he noted his dad wanted to be praised to the ends of the earth. And when you don't get that, you behave like a dick. At least, that was his theory. I have no clue.

But if it's right.

Pot. Kettle. Black. To a perfect mirror copy in fact. As the father, so the son. Learned behaviour.

The term came up again about him being a "70s dad". Not my term. I find it kind of funny. We had a discussion about people learning about themselves, their relationships with their parents. It's been a bit of a hot topic lately. Yesterday a friend visited and went on a long trawl and conversation about how at the age of 55, they were only now, just dipping a toe into the paddling pool of learning stuff about themselves, their parents and its impacts.

Yeah. That shit can happen like that. Dont be down on yourself about the whole why has it taken so long. Shit happens. And then echoing that same feeling another friend saying the exact same thing about why it had taken them so long to start to grow up. Different age. 45. Tinged with a bit of self flagellation. How did it take me to 45 years old to start to actually grow up and no longer be a child in thrall to my dad.

Human condition. Innit. And many people are not introspective. Or explore shit. Or repress shit to death.

My friend is on a similar path. Repressed. Incapable at the moment to see the horribly obvious parallels. Unable to properly express the landscape he finds himself in where things are spiralling in an outwardly lovely, relaxed, comfortable middle class way into a void of meaning. No joy. No love. ( hello depression ! ) A kicked ego. Broken relationships. Outright psychotic toxic relationships. Money. But turned to ashes in the hand. Jumping from one thing to the next in order to try to kindle.. something... anything. But the answer is within. The lack of happiness within. Not the amount of bullshit distractions without.

Big stuff. Difficult things. 

And with him. I have no patience in again tolerating biting the hand that feeds you. Been there. Done that. To death. Already got enough of those relationships.

Which is very very possibly unfair of me. That I judge him that harsh. That I make him pay for those consequences who in others I would forgive. Yeah. Certainly has stimulated a harsh reaction. Not to say objectively unfair. But subjectively, given how nice I usually play, unfair. Why him. Why now.

Then again. No one has dictated in no uncertain terms me how I should feel, how something should impact me, invalidated me to such a super extent, taken all agency and just set themselves up as divine entity handing out how you should be feeling right now. I have decreed it so. Ha. Wow. The biggest of big red flags. And. Undoubtedly part of the special sauce that turns all his relationships that are closer than comfortable throwing distance into the shitter.

One of my friends was sad about it. What was lost. Did I think it would recover ?

Right now. I don't see it. I am very content indeed with that dying. That's the level of line crossed.

Despite all that. It crossed my mind to do one thing. One last statement. Probably unnecessary. Never going to happen. Repression beats all. But. If my friend did go down. Started not to be able to truly cope. Drowning in that pit of darkness. Then. Come talk to me. Regardless of all the shit that has gone on. Because if nothing else, I will be a fucking light in the dark. The dark sucks. And all that go down there - good, bad, or otherwise - could do with a hand. And a light. I have walked those paths barefoot across the sharp screaming ground of hell. Half my sanity lies scattered across that ground. And if any good comes out of it. I can guide, help, empathise others that might wander too close to its borders or get lost within its shadowy horror.

On the other hand. Fuck it. Captain Repression will do as Captain Repression does.

Ok. Moving on. Drawing a line underneath it all.

Breathe. Let it go. And. I'm feeling alright. I am.. alright with this situation. I am. Good. In fact. Feeling positive. About everything. Health is shit. Possibly gonna kick it. But then, we all do, don't we. No one gets out of life alive. Make use of the time you have. Chill. Enjoy. Be there for others... except the shitbags... ha ha... meh... even the shitbags... Learn, grow, and try to get through the rough terrain of life as best you can. Shit aint easy.

Today, other than work, I am picking some shit up for a friend, then helping another friend run around to do some chores. Probably go for a nice joint dog walk. Today should be pleasant albeit draining. I highly suspect I am going to crash out hard late afternoon, early evening. Because I can feel I am stretched thin healthwise. I have a busy day. And not enough sleep. Too much fire. Another thing I can no longer do. Sustain fire. It wicks the energy from me faster than you can blink. Symptoms of the Whatever The Fuck It Is CFS.

Positives.

Definitely. This weekend. I am going to do something arty. For goddamn sure. Heh. Probably just noodle with the dweomerdin logo. Also. Maybe. Noodle with some javascript fog. Oooh. Probably be shit. But the fun will be in the experimentation. If. You know. You like coding and shit.