Feb 27

Another sensitive subject for today. Oh, and having written this, jesus this waffles on. This is me, just, re-iterating and sorting through things in my head. If it makes no sense or drones on, sorry about that.

Which raises a point about this blog.

This blog, is, first and foremost, a cathartic writing down of whatever shit is in my head at the moment.

Go ask a shrink. They recommend doing this stuff. They say something about the putting it into words, getting it out there changes it, makes it go through different bits of your brain, kicks it out of the door, and yada blah etc. Are they right ? Like a lot of things in this arena, if you hold your breath waiting for absolute 100% scientific repeatability... you're gonna asphyxiate. Then again, even for somethings that lie fully within the scientific sphere of influence, experiments are notoriously wonky. I can remember the rule of thumb in physics being, yeah, if will often fail, but uhh, honestly, it should do X. We were encouraged in physics to fudge our results. Hilarious.

Heh.

So this is a cathartic inner peering into my head. If you want brutally horrible visibility on that. Go read the first few posts in this blog. Of me climbing the walls, losing my mind, and dribbling out words into a blog. Really. Super. Hardcore. Ugly.

This means it probably... shouldn't be read by anyone else.

On the other hand. I am a believer in putting information out there. When I went full mental the first time many many years ago I accidentally managed to cover a lot of it in a "blog" ( blogs werent really a thing back then per se ). And it proved. Incredibly informative, educational, interesting to a whole bunch of people.

At one point, apparently, my whole office was reading it. And it engendered an understanding and a sympathetic response.

Of course, you put yourself out there doing that. This is me. No defences.

But I'm ok with that. Nothing to hide. And I have plenty to learn.

Ok. Caveats done with. Onwards.

I'm gonna keep this vague. And somewhat theoretical. There is however, a very real and very present situation underlying it.

What do you do, when someone in front of you is flipping out semi hardcore to hardcore. No longer just struggling or "quirky". But climbing the walls. Having crossed that fuzzy hard to pin down line between sane, and insane.

Herp a derp, call a professional, get them help.

Yeah. So easy. 2 + 2 = 4.

Except in reality it's rarely that easy.

I've been there more than once ( and also crossed that line myself more than once ). And it's hard. Super. Hard. From addiction to anxiety. From danger to self depression to delusional seeing shit coming out of the walls ( these are my first hand experiences with others ).

Some truly ugly and peak worrying moments in there. The moment of extreme crisis. Some of those have ended up in psych wards. We dont call them that anymore. In some cases lovely little cottage core hospitals. "Hospital". A weird and uneasy version of your own lounge. But with a bunch of strange people wandering through. Really. Strange. People. In other cases.. less charming concrete blocks a mix of school / army barracks and hospital. Same strange people. None of them are how they are depicted on TV. At least not the TV I've seen. Even the nice ones - they are not a place you want to be. The entrances are airlocked. With security in between. And doors that don't open. A hospital. Where the care has been replaced with authority. A prison. For the screwballs.

I'm describing that, because, that's one of the end points. It matters. It's not cool. You don't go there for a vacation. But from the depths people get to, those places are up not down. Kind of.

I'll also say, the times I have visited them ( visited, not stayed ! so far.. that's something I have avoided, pretty much just because of happenstance, not because I didn't deserve to be in one ), I am.. glad.. to leave them. I go there to offer support. And a friendly face. But. I am glad to walk out of them. They are, on their surface.. kinda.. ok. Not filled with screaming people. Well. Not usually. For long. But. They are filled with a fog of.. unease. Not a happy social visiting place. If you've ever been to a hospital where they have the olds, all in a ward, many of them dying, it's .. not a million miles away from that.

Heavy. With a dose of prison.

Jeez, I am wandering hardcore.

There are some issues with dealing with such situations.

The hesitation.

When is bad merely.. bad.. but not critical. When is it absolutely critical. It's.. changing.. minute by minute. Up. Down. Sideways. What are they like when I am not in front of them. Will they blow out over night, on their own, no one there.

Lower down the scale.

Can I say something to them ? Urge them to get help ? Point out their behaviour.

Oh so fucking tricky. Because often that can be like sticking your hand into lava. People will typically not thank you for that shit. They will see you as a threat. It's how it works. They trust themselves over everyone else - of course you do. Your inner dialogue is YOU. You trust you. You're always "right". Right ? You know you.

Except of course. When you don't.

And that's huge. Your inner you.. isn't always right. Isn't always... sane. Or at least. For some of us. That's true ( I think in actuality it's true for all of us.. it's not the qualitative, its the quantitive ). It's huge in the sense that, it's something you might never have had to think about before. Not had to face. Oh. Wow. My inner self is not always the most reliable thing. It's a good thing to be aware of. That internal shitty mouthy critic always putting you down. Yeah. Not the best person in the world. That person is a dick. Nothing good to say. Always telling you, you're shit.

This is why we come to rule #3 about mental health stuff. If you're aware enough to know you're in the midst of it - *make no life changing decisions*. Because guess what. Your judgement BLOWS at those points. Easy example. In the midst of a depression, everything sucks, no joy, everything is pointless. Lets plan life in that frame of mind. Big yikes. Or delusional. My neighbours are aliens spying on me and trying to harvest my organs. I should burn their house down to stop them. Or move. Also big yikes.

Mental Health Rules. In so much as rules applicable to those in mental health difficulties, or those that have to keep a close eye on them and yada. Eh. Where are we.

Rule #1 - Dont be a dick to yourself
Rule #2 - Dont be a dick to others
Rule #3 - Make no life impacting decisions whilst suffering or under extreme emotional duress

Many more to be listed.

Anyway. Jesus. Wandering.

So The Hesitation.

What do I do. When do I do it ? Now ? Not now ?

Lesson - no one is going to turn up, give you a hand written message with the words YES NOW on it. This is actually applicable to everything in life. There will be no quest marker that pops above your head and says, well done, now go to B ! If only.

This is where mental healthcare professionals should shine. They are placed to know. They've had a lot of experience in when something is good or bad. Which is not to say they are infallible. Or vary from person to person. Guess what. Like anyone else, they bring their own bullshit to the fight. But. If anyone stands a chance of knowing. You have a better shot with a mental health care professional. Probably. Maybe. If it's a good one.

Yikes.

Yeah.

Welcome to the world of mental health being the red headed unwanted step child thats poorly understood and dealt with.

Ohhh ok. So. I should do my best, go out there and be very proactive and raise the balloon immediately.

Yeah. Also no. Because let's examine ourselves. Just like everyone else. We bring our own bullshit to the fight. How are you feeling today. That's going to influence you.

Delightful.

Stuck in a subjective universe where you can't entirely be sure of anything. You. Them. Facts. And in this instance, the prize for getting it wrong - awful. Tantrums. Relationship destruction. Crying wolf. The prize of getting it right ? Probably - Tantrums. Relationship destruction. Crying wolf. But, they might be saved.

Ah ha ha. Oh.

This is why shrinks deal with everything at 100 meter arms length. Via a pole. With a rubber glove on the end to stroke your hair. At least in theory.

Very early on in my Adventures In Others Headspace I learned the fact that doing that shit exerted a substantial emotional cost. On everyone. The outcome, if you can stick with it, was extremely worthwhile. The cost, was enormous. And after you've done that rodeo a few times. You start to assess the impact on you. A heavy price to pay.

Again. A reason shrinks do this from the safety of a bunker a mile away from ground zero. They also of course sacrifice shit doing that. A true ability to connect with people. Care. Properly support. Everything is.. hands off... Less effective. But safer. Pros and cons. If they didn't do this, the shrinks would all emotionally burn out.

So, that's the hesitation side.

Then there's the.

I'm so out of my depth.

I rate myself as Pretty Good with mental health stuff. I have a blend of counselling shit, psych, science and .. experience.

But I aint a mental healthcare professional.

And some shit, personally, I find myself out of my depth.

We can all get there. Because - for those of us that are not twats - instinctively help people. So we help. But when shit is very bad. We can suddenly find, we've been helping but, oh boy, now, uhh. I can't help with this. That can be a hard line to sometimes see for some. Some will burn out themselves trying to vainly paddle where they cannot. Particularly when it comes to their significant other. And it can manifest in weird ways. Anger. Violence. Yada.

Hello father !

Again. Herp a derp.

Call the professional.

Ah. So easy. All information positively known. Step 1. Step 2.

Uh huh. Life is messy and blurry and never lets you know what shit is right at any one time.

I couldn't say if this is right or wrong. Highly subjective.

But there have been a few times in my life where that sudden drop, like falling off a cliff, has happened when you're with someone. Oh. Shit. They are crazy. A proper alarmed response. Sometimes it's more peaceful. Sometimes it's... not. Good. Which. Lets just leave that there for today.

At such times this usually triggers in me the whole, ok, and now I need to do something. Invariably, because I am who I am, I instinctively then go immediately talk to someone else to get another opinion. Because I am aware of how subjectivity works and I never fully trust myself like that for important shit. I am not saying that's also perfect - that person is also going to be subjective and flawed ( newsflash we are all subjective and flawed, yay ) - but, you usually get better consistency and approach when you move away from singular into more than singular. See government models of the autocrat versus the council.

But this can be a problem too. In fact, I have two very clear examples in my past, where having done that, and received reassurance from those people that, its not good, but its not an emergency went on to in fact be a horrible horrible balls to the wall emergency. "You totally called that, you were right". Said. Memorably right after one of those crises had occurred, the person in question had been picked up by police for "erratic behaviour" and was now locked in a psych ward. Which. Is a failure. I saw it. I got a second opinion. They said, eh, its bad but leave it. Nothing was done. That was the wrong decision. Fail.

Sometimes we fail. Do your best. Still fail. Shit happens.

I am not sure there's much to learn there. Certainly not a YAY IGNORE EVERYONE ELSE YOU ARE RIGHT. Because that aint so. And you'd be nuts to think so. The only thing to learn there is that, sometimes we fail. And sometimes the consequences are grim. Life.

I am not sure where I am going with all of this.

Other than to say, watching other people struggle, go through terrible bits of their life, meltdown is a hard thing. It's hard to know when to help and when not to help. The consequences are grim whatever you choose. The easy life - pretend it's not happening, walk away, forget them - is .. perhaps... easier on you. But. Not cool. Treat others as you would want to be treated.

I think perhaps the takeaway to all this is.

If you care. If in serious concern. Doubt. Alarm.

Talk to a professional. Kindly. Gently. With caution, respect, and always with a mind to do what's best for someone and respect their boundaries.

Even that, is quite an ask. High social skill requirement. High diplomacy requirement. Life experience. Stress tolerance. 

No one said life was easy.

Unless you're an uncaring dick like Trump.

Then go ahead and treat everyone like trash and order a McDonalds before bed with a greasy tomato sauce covered grin.