Feb 28

 Feeling not terrible today.

Huzzah.

I have been reflecting this morning, that the last few weeks have been... unintentionally, unplanned, quite full on. From one drama to the next. From one serious event to another. Some of them don't make it to this blog. Many do.

Some heavy shit all round. And perhaps more to the point, not just focused in one area, with one person. No no. All round. Different people. Different situations. Unconnected. But. All seeming to come to a point where they at least need some.. care and attention, if not outright full blown Sorting Shit Out.

Hmm.

Where, you might ask, is my rest.

I don't know. But soon ! April. Take April off. Do nothing. Sit on ass. I am going to try quite hard to NOT full the time with... actually being busy doing other shit. Properly. Sit. And do. Nothing.

I pretty much expect I will fail.

But I'm gonna try. And see what results it has. Experimentation !

This evening, if I can not flake out energy level wise, I am gonna talk to a friend About Shit. More shit. That they are dealing with. It seems to be.. the really strong recurring theme at the moment. Everyone is up to their eyeballs in shit. Struggling to cope. And it's not something easy. Oh. Well. It's because X. It's across a spectrum of things. But all revolving around the human condition. Health. Mental health. Not cracking up.

Another of my friends has a theory that its All Covids Fault. And I don't exactly disagree. I've said before that the pandemic has put an enormous amount of strain on everyones capability to cope. Stressed underlying mental health cracks. And most of it in incredibly insidious hard to spot ways that people struggle to put their finger on. But if you take a step back and assess from the clouds, you can see, holy shit there are a lot of people just struggling to get through another day.

I am not entirely sure its all Covids fault. Maybe it is. It's definitely a stressor. And the coincidence of everyone struggling in the same time frame is. Freaky. I think there is also a large element of the slow fuck uppedness of modern society creeping in and finally taking a toll. That knowledge that the rich and powerful are sucking the ever living life out of everything and hoarding all the things. The breakdown of late stage capitalism into, ha, you'll never be able to afford a home / healthcare - and your kids.. LOL. Meanwhile ol' Musky builds himself ever better rockets at eye watering cost to go live on Mars. Away from the riff raff. The lack of meaningful change or justice available in politics. The same merry go round just with a different colour. No hope for the youngers. Etc. Against a backdrop of real and definite issues with capitalism just speeding into the depths of climate change hell, unable to curb its need to overproduce, oversell and bury it in a landfill.

Is not good.

I think Covid just put the shit icing on the shit cake.

Anywho.

This evening. See if I can lend a bit of strength to someone else. Not that I can do much. Or have much strength. But eh.

Today I have noodled with some art.

I am not exactly happy with it. At points I look at it and think, meh, kinda crap. At others. Eh kinda ok, but amateurish. And for brief moments, no, I'm sorta, kinda, ok with where its got to. Going a bit blind from it - can't see the wood from the trees. Anywho. Have a picture :



Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Feb 29

 Anxiety is still riding very high. It's sketching me into weird corners and avoidances. Don't like being out of my bedroom. Don't like being away from my bed. Everything is a tangible holding of breath until I can go back to bed. Very sketchy. I am doing something to try not to give into the rampant mini phobias popping up, but, I'm also giving in at times and just retreating to my hole. And sleeping. Today I dropped off my overnight blood ox monitor. I did a bunch of "anti" things that I reckoned would trigger more the worse end of my sleeping spectrum, and it kinda worked. I woke up at 4am groggy and out of it. I dozedly checked my blood ox. 97%. Perhaps it means nothing. Perhaps it means it's not blood oxygen and sleep apnea. I went back to sleep. Anxiety smothering me I went out to drop off the monitor. Outwardly. I just did it. Inwardly, screaming, don't go out, don't go out, I don't want to go out. A sense of dread. A sick feeling. Awful...
Read more

May 9

 Athenas back left leg is limp. Lifeless. Just. Gone. Her right one is only vaguely there, still trying to walk a bit at times. But. No strength. Folded. We have got her up a few times today, to drink, pee, poo. She has got accustomed to being carted around in a sling, her front legs still working. She still looks up. Wants to know what you're eating. She is, as she ever has been, still Athena. Still interested. Still awake. And tomorrow at 11am I take her to put her to sleep. Her legs are gone. Not just an overdid it. They are gone. I do not know or understand how they suddenly went from fine to not fine in 15 minutes. But it has happened. And they show no signs of reversing. Today I made the stupidly hard and fucked up and awful decision to put her to sleep tomorrow. I have crucified myself over it. Today ? Tomorrow ? Monday ? Next week ? Tomorrow. There is no hope. She will not recover. And I will have to snuff out her good life, her beautiful soul, full of curiousity and confid...
Read more

Nov 6

 Wake up at 8.20AM with the sound of next door replacing their bathroom. I cannot begin to describe how deathly awful I feel. Shit scraped from the bottom of the barrel. I check the laptop. Set it up for work. And then collapse back to sleep. I worked for some hours last night. I felt a little better, so, I worked. Midday. Awake again. I come out of a horrible horrible place. Everything aches. My eyes are sealed shut with gunk. A wincing pain somewhere around my stomach like a squeeze accompanies my waking. I often get this now. I feel utterly terrible. I have run out of options and coping strategies. So Trump wins with a fairly convincing win. What's the message ? America really hates women presidents ? If nothing else it's clear a large part of the US is fine with all that Trump represents. It was always going to be this way, if not now then soon. The rump of the US is morally bankrupt, happy to occupy a devoid of principles space, large on religious bigotry and hate. The US ...
Read more