Feb 5

 Blipping bouts of illness yesterday, today. Funny turns. Pain.

Like. Ah ha ha. Beyond the cough and shit.

Sigh.

Always fucking something.

The more I reflect on the random outages I experience, the more I realise that Whatever Happened To Me, has carpet bombed everything, and now, at random, shit just, flicks on and off. Wonky wiring. At times it blows out for a while before stuttering back. It is on the one hand, fascinating. And on the other hand its awful. Scientist vs Guinea Pig. It also heavily correlates with others experiences with the so called long covid. Interesting. It's quite high order defying of a very simple cause and effect. A lot more convoluted it seems.

My cough has turned a corner I think. I hope. It. Seems. To have eased off.. a little. Just enough. Still an arse. But. Yeah.

The new exciting kid on the block is chest pains combined with severe wooziness. Yayyy. Heart pains. At least. Right where the heart is.

Ordinarily. Red flags. Read the advice. Go. See. A. Doctor. Yeah yeah. A) good luck with that and B) done that, they dont know. So. Eh. I think we'll just leave it. If I dont keel over, eh, well, ok. If I do, and if I live, they can scrape me off the floor and then perhaps have a better smoking gun for them to treat the bleeding obvious. And if I die, I die. I'm ok with that. We know that.

In all seriousness I am just ignoring it because I have had these pains before - I don't know what they are, but, despite them manifesting themselves as a serious problem, I suspect its.. not immediately anything to worry about. It is. A fairly olympic grade assumption. But eh. Fuck it. But also. I have had scans and whatnot done, and, they were ok then. So. It's not entirely an assumption pulled from my arse. Of course. In a perfect world, you absolutely would get this shit checked out. And logged. And something to ponder about. We don't live in a perfect world. So. We ignore it instead. Huzzah. As always, time will reveal whether that was a smart assumption and course of action to take or not. Certainly a risky one.

As a result this has dented my radiance of light emitting. It hasn't pushed me down. But. It's tricky to get shit done when you keep flaking out health wise. Frustrating. But I am still good. Thumbs up. I am feeling very faint glimmers of... gasp.. enjoying.. shit. What does that feel like. It's funny, because, when some small thing triggers that I get a glimmer of enjoyment from, it triggers memories ... from when I was way way younger. A teen. With a slighty more rosy and enthusiastic outlook on the world. That's how long ago it is. It's crazy. But let's not get carried away. It is glimmers. The faintest of ghosts. It's amazing they are there at all. But small and fragile, and I am definitely not suddenly in a fundamentally different place. But still. Ooh. Nice. Take it one day at a time. Enjoy the sun on your face when it's there.

I've been catching up with Hazel a bit lately. She seems in a more sharing mood of late. She's only just got back from spending a month with her dad. She's in a very bad place. Teetering on the edge of having a blow out. Which apparently she also had back in the Autumn - not long after I gave her a marching order to leave my place and stop bullying / being an ass to me. I can see the pattern. There isn't a huge amount I can do about it. So I listen. And empathise. Her borderline personality continues to make her life very difficult. She has recently cut all contact off with her equally difficult mom. Via a letter. Explaining how she was a bully and toxic and yada blah. And this has had knock on effects. She's now not talking to her sister. Or her brother in law. Her circle dwindles. But. This is the pattern with borderline. The destruction of all relationships around her. Tough. Not to say she doesn't have good cause for some of her decisions. But. Yeah. Oof. Also. Can lean into it. Whilst visiting her sister this christmas - having had her arm twisted by her dad - in a very frosty atmosphere one of her nieces told her that everyone said she was like Hazel. In what way ? Mean and moody. The niece didn't really appreciate the bomb she had just let off. Out of the mouths of babes and all that.

So that upset Hazel. Obviously. Not cool. Also. Sigh. Not exactly wrong either. Hazel does have some visibility on her own behaviour "I am a nightmare", but to what extent that goes, I am not sure. Does she see herself as mean and moody ? I don't think so. She often paints herself - as I guess we can all do - as the hero or more likely the victim.

In any case. On top of all that. Life has been thoroughly kicking her of late and piling stress on top of stress. What can you do ?

The fundamental problem is that self destructive lashing out at everyone around her. It makes it hard to help her. It is, I think, rooted in trauma. She is I have realised like a Jekyll and Hyde. Somewhere in there is a lovely girl. And sometimes it shows. But the switch flips. And the monster manifests. And it truly is a horrifying monster. She has to. Learn not to take it out on others. Not an acceptable coping mechanism. Redirect that rage. Pain. Fear. Kick the shit out of the sofa. Punching bag. But not others. And certainly not those trying to help.

She's coping at the moment. Just about. In that kind of, emergency high stress, high focus, no other choice kind of way. The debt is going to come due at some point however.

One of my other friends has also had a minor revelation about being triggered when offered help. An immediate prickle. No fuck you I dont need help, fuck you. Whoa. Whoa. Ok. I have talked about it with her in the past. It seems a little... extreme. Not super extreme, don't get me wrong here she doesnt flip out. But. She can push. Quite hard. And. Radio silence you and all sorts. A... bit of a tantrum. Somone she listens to and puts faith in has recently addressed the issue of being able to accept help without flipping out. And it's made her realise that, gosh golly, she does the same thing.

I don't want to say I told you so. But. I told you so. Ha ha. Anyway. Revelation. Know yourself. Growth. Its all good. She continues to grow and think and to be honest is pretty amazing at this point. On a real journey of self and making huge progress.

We are all it seems, damaged. It has made me realise maybe I am not as much of a hopeless fuckup as I think I am.

Other friends. Are struggling. It seems to be a common theme. Tricky. It is perhaps my turn to lend a bit of strength out. What I have anyway. Which isn't a lot, ha ha. But. We Can Do This. Do what you can, when you can. I would love to know how to help people in a more effective way. To uncover more wisdom, more, good patterns, so that I can do my utmost to help out. I am aware that .. its not easy. A wish to do more. At a higher level I think it comes down to three things. Time. Care. Money. The least of those is the money. Money sucks. But. It can often fix problems that are there because of a lack of it.

Time. Care. Money. I think. Arguably. To me. This is probably the sum of a person. Money just being the shitty abstract outcome of your effort. Time, care and effort. To offer that to someone else, is to be there entirely for someone else. To help.

Anywho. I an waffling on in a hippy like way. Peace man.

But. There is a narrative that the world is shit, and dark, full of horrible people. And yeah. It is. Or can be. But it doesn't have to be like that. At all. And maybe it doesnt have to be entirely like that. Create pockets where it isn't like that. We often do that without thinking - for family groups. Trusted friends. Eh. The world can be a lovely place. And for me. That has to start with me. Sure. I will get kicked. And shit on. And earn the undying cynicism of people like my parents. But that's the price. Do the thing. Be a bloody minded fuckface and be nice. NO. I WILL BE NICE. FUCK YOU. Ha.

Moving on.

Today I am spending some time noodling with art. Yay. Going back to my dweomerdin. I am thinking on colours and effects and shit now. Hmmm. It's cool. But hard. I have to think a lot about it. A natural artist I aint. But that's ok.

Remember. Rule #1. Dont be a dick to yourself. Take a breath. As many as you need. Fuck what anyone else thinks. Breathe. Give yourself a break. Take a moment to pause in the fresh air. Just stop. Empty your head. Feel the sun on your face. Smell the air. Breathe. Slow. And let it go. Tomorrow will be a better day.