Mar 1

 The cough, never truly gone, has returned with some force.

Liquid in the bottom of my lungs.

Uh huh.

Tired. Phase in. Phase out. Last night I was pulled from sleep in a, at this point, not uncommon event of "feeling like shit". Hardcore dizzy. Left arm.. dead. Lungs full of liquid.

I rolled over.

If it's gonna kill me get on with it. Otherwise I will see you tomorrow.

Ha.

Today I have completed a bunch of work which has taken an epic amount of effort to kick out the door. A never ending thread pull of finding shit that needed to be done to cross the finishing line. Just, one of those things in a system that was a long way from where it should be functionality wise. Glad its out of the door. It was cool. But yeah. Started to be soul destroying.

Chatted to Andy today with a catchup. He seemed in good spirits. Happy that I was... happy.. with work. Or at least not actively formenting revolution.

Peace has returned.

And to be honest I welcome a sense of normality returning. The last two weeks have been full on. Continue to be full on. Having at least one thing - work - calm down and return to some normality is a reprieve.

Whilst chatting to Andy today I reflected that, indeed, there is a good person in there. Yeah. He is untrustworthy with money. And shenanigans. He also, paradoxically, has a good heart.

I know this is going to be hard for some people around me to properly grok. All good. Or all bad. Eh. People are not like that. A complicated mix of stuff and errors and flaws.

Pfft.

Andy has been trying to help a few people of late. Which we wont get into. But. It shows he gives a shit. And once again, like a repeating record, the topic came up of how hard it can be to help someone, to step up, or step away. And yada blah. Yes indeed. Thankless whatever you do.

Odd how things seem to cluster together like that.

Todays Sesame Street is brought to you by the number 8 and the letter T.

Are we sure this isn't the Truman Show ? It seems scripted.

*waits for an advert*

Mmm ok.

After saying I felt kinda ok yesterday I proceeded to deteriate into a shit state by the early evening. Sick. Ill. Yuck. I went to bed. Slept. Got up. Slept again. Pulled myself out of bed to play a game with a friend. Sat there. Feeling like I was at sea. Hardly able to function.

I was going to talk to a friend, just, talk, through their issues. But I felt so sick. I couldn't really concentrate. It was all I could do to sit upright. Ho hum.

If I am honest I am running pretty low on energy. I have a lot of stuff I need to pay attention to. And. Fading energy to do it. Meh.

I need that rest. Not that it may do anything. But you never know.

Tomorrow I get to start on another cranky piece of work. Not easy. Messy. Long winded. Another grind. It's not going to be good. It's not the fault of the works or the process. It is.. just what it is. A complicated piece of crunch to work through. It's not a great task for me to be contemplating on an empty tank. Ho well.

Still alive. Onwards and upwards.

Addendum. We lost another dev last week. For once not a burn out. Gone. Kaput. Difficult. Had trouble just... sticking to a schedule. I had only spoken to him twice in six months to teach him a few things. And now gone. It seems everyone is batshit insane at the moment.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Feb 29

 Anxiety is still riding very high. It's sketching me into weird corners and avoidances. Don't like being out of my bedroom. Don't like being away from my bed. Everything is a tangible holding of breath until I can go back to bed. Very sketchy. I am doing something to try not to give into the rampant mini phobias popping up, but, I'm also giving in at times and just retreating to my hole. And sleeping. Today I dropped off my overnight blood ox monitor. I did a bunch of "anti" things that I reckoned would trigger more the worse end of my sleeping spectrum, and it kinda worked. I woke up at 4am groggy and out of it. I dozedly checked my blood ox. 97%. Perhaps it means nothing. Perhaps it means it's not blood oxygen and sleep apnea. I went back to sleep. Anxiety smothering me I went out to drop off the monitor. Outwardly. I just did it. Inwardly, screaming, don't go out, don't go out, I don't want to go out. A sense of dread. A sick feeling. Awful...
Read more

Jul 22

 Therapy day yesterday. I have wandered off on so many tangents this post, I've decided to mark the waffle. So it's skippable.  When I had met up with Hazel some days prior, and gone over some of the Not Great things the shrink had got up to, I got the entirely predictable Hazel response. Anger. If there's going to be a response you can set your watch to with Hazel, it's going to be be protective anger. Regardless of appropriateness. She laid into the shrink and listed the many ways that Wasn't What A Shrink Should Do. They Are Shit. etc.  Skippable Content Waffle - Click me [SKIPPABLE TANGENT]  Like the echo of the challenges she faces however, she always lays in 150%. Stretches the thing to some untenable level, with also some collateral damage - you also end up getting winged in the crossfire. I had been having problems with the shrink all the time. None of it was working out. Shrink is a hot mess. etc. This is patently untrue. I ended up having to defen...
Read more

Nov 6

 Wake up at 8.20AM with the sound of next door replacing their bathroom. I cannot begin to describe how deathly awful I feel. Shit scraped from the bottom of the barrel. I check the laptop. Set it up for work. And then collapse back to sleep. I worked for some hours last night. I felt a little better, so, I worked. Midday. Awake again. I come out of a horrible horrible place. Everything aches. My eyes are sealed shut with gunk. A wincing pain somewhere around my stomach like a squeeze accompanies my waking. I often get this now. I feel utterly terrible. I have run out of options and coping strategies. So Trump wins with a fairly convincing win. What's the message ? America really hates women presidents ? If nothing else it's clear a large part of the US is fine with all that Trump represents. It was always going to be this way, if not now then soon. The rump of the US is morally bankrupt, happy to occupy a devoid of principles space, large on religious bigotry and hate. The US ...
Read more