Mar 10 - Late

Can't sleep.

My brain won't switch off. Filled with thoughts and memories.

Today on the scale of things, hasn't been so bad. No major outages of being ill. Just. Not great.

Went for an extended walk with Athena again today. Two days in a row. Something I tend to avoid now. She's always... much more pooped on day 2. 10 minutes and she blows out. She doesn't need that level of exercise anymore. But it's ok every now and again. She's getting slower every week that passes. Subtle. But there. And over a few months. It adds up.

Meh.

I think of Athena getting very old. And then I think of Ares. And he isn't here. And Athena soon wont be here either.

And what will I do. Who will I be.

Nothing to ground me anymore. Nothing to hold me down anymore.

Not pretty. Tick. Fucking. Tock. Cheshire Cat Grin looming from the nightmarish shadows.

Today has been an odd bag of experiences.

Hazel wanted to go for a walk today, so, I picked her up, and off we went. Hence the two walks in a row dealio. Before we had got 20 yards into our walk, we ended up "rescuing" a dog.

A big lad. Laid back. Waited around for us. And then followed us. You can tell pretty quickly when a dog doesn't have their person. Where was his person ? We waited for a few minutes. Nothing. I worried. I checked his dog tag. Phone number and name on there. Ok. The big lad decided to wander off a bit. Hmm. Ok. We followed him and stuck him on a lead. Hazel read the phone number to me, and I called.

To the owner.

Have you found my dog ?

Yes.

Oh thank you !

10 minutes later dog and person were re-united. The dude was brimming with thanks and relief. There are nice people he said to himself a bit weirdly. It's so good he found nice people. I was so worried.

So, that was our good deed for the day. I think it's positive for Hazel. If I can lapse into shrink mode. She gets a really positive interaction with someone, which, she doesn't get a lot of. And someone calls her nice. Which she also doesn't get a lot of. Therapeutic. Confirming. Positive. Healing. Imho. Not Everything In The World Is Shit or Traumatic or Cynical.

At some point during the drive, the day was beautiful. A proper spring day. With a smell on the air of.. something. It triggered some long ago memory in me that I couldn't grasp but elicited a feeling of calm and peace. It was nice. But. I don't know. Somewhere along the way. I drifted. And as the Pulp song says, went from something comfortable, to something else.. instead.

My heart slowed way way down. Everything became slightly unreal. I disassociated. Kicked out of the world into.. limbo. I had a deep sense that I was dying. Right there. Half in me, half out of me, starting to float away. My heart was going to stop. Not in a panicked way. But in a, everything has slowed, stopping, stopped. And the world drifted away from me. It wasn't peaceful. Or relaxing. It was unreal. And uneasy. It felt. Grey. Grim. Not mind splittingly horrific. But just. Not good. An end - finally - to all things, for me.

I lapsed into silence.

Hazel, on cue, asked me how I was feeling.

I'm ok, I said.

She looked at me. Uh huh.

Heh. I'm. Mehh. Ok.

Convincing, she said.

We drove home and ran a few errands for her, I was still 90% just. Disassociating. Disconnected. Watching an alien world float by that I no longer belonged in. Oh. This is. Not nice. And interesting I reflected. Oh boy. You're so bonkers. Yeah. Fucked. Up.

Went home and ate and snapped out of it somewhat.

My local councillor appeared on my doorstep. Doing his rounds. Can I do anything for you. Do you have anything you want to bring up or ask me.

Wait. Wait. This was the dude quoted in the newspaper as saying the Ukraine situation didn't really apply to us. Too far away. Putin and his scale of malevolence was too much for little UK to handle. So. Don't bother. Don't get involved.

I was disgusted by this.

And here he was, standing on my doorstep.

Oh. Goodie. I queried if it was indeed him who had said that. 

Yes he said. A couple of weeks ago.

I see.

I was polite. Eloquent. But I hosed that boy down. I started with the Martin Niemoller quote. No shit. Did he know the Niemoller quote ? He shook his head confusedly. Ok dude. You're going to get schooled. Welcome to this conversation.

"First they came for the socialists, and I did not speak out—because I was not a socialist.

Then they came for the trade unionists, and I did not speak out— because I was not a trade unionist.

Then they came for the Jews, and I did not speak out—because I was not a Jew.

Then they came for me—and there was no one left to speak for me."

We did this in WW2. You are espousing the same line.

I followed it up with the whole evil triumph quote.

"The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing"

You are giving the line that we should do nothing.

I waxed poetic.

If you do not stand for the light, then the dark will devour all.

All on the doorstep. Ad hoc.

Thats right motherfucker. Eloquent.

I then told him I found his comment deplorable.

He tried some whataboutism. Lots of places were being attacked. All the time. It happens.

This, is very different.

He confessed to being afraid. Very afraid for what old Vlad would do. Nuclear strikes. I remember Gorbachev he said. This was what was driving his statement. Fear of the repercussions.

Sure I said. I am a Gen X-er. I lived under the nuclear war threat. The lovely dystopian safety films they put on TV about what to do when the sirens went off. Dark as fuck. And pointless. Go get two bin bags, throw a blanket over the kitchen table and take your family and sit under the table.

I said yes, the consequences could be dire to standing up to him. But that was how it was. The cost. Not in our control.

He was afraid of what would happen.

I gave him the courage quote.

Courage is not acting without fear. It is acting despite the fear. Doing the right thing.

Treat others, as you yourself would want to be treated. Not going to happen, but if the UK was invaded by Russia, I would hope others would rush to our aid. Lend our support. Can you imagine if in Ukraine they turned around and said, oh, its far away, nothing really to do with us, but good luck !

He admitted that his words on being heard by a Ukrainian who had lost much, might indeed be received... poorly. He got it. Well done.

Putin only understands strength of arms I said. He doesn't give a toss about anything else. Stand. United. Like how you stand against a bully. Even if the consequences are dire. Appeasement is not the answer. It never is. We've learned this lesson. Hard.

We lapsed into talking about Putin. And sanctions. And his disinformation campaign in the US.

Who are you, he asked. Half, what's your name, and half, who the hell are you ?

Does it even matter. I gave him my name anyway. Meaningless. Sure. My name is. My name is. My name is. Slim Shady.

He stuck out his hand, gave me a handshake.

Winked too many times.

He was rattled.

And left in a cloud of good natured politician fallback charisma. 

Somewhere in there I flatly stated that politicians would always cover their ass and not necessarily do the right thing. No offence I said to him, to somewhat soften the blow. Ha ha. So, no defence aligning with other politicians being careful what they say. Pfft. His arguments were weak. Classic fails. Whataboutism in spades. Redirects. Fear. Meh. He had his head screwed on. But eh. Meh. Plato would have been unimpressed. I could debate this boy and look like Churchill. I'm not Churchill.

As I left for the evening I spotted him again, this time on the other side of the road. He engaged me in friendly fashion. Explaining he was nearly done. Cold. Like I was his teacher or something and explaining to me why I had found him wandering the halls during classtime. It's ok. I am not marking your homework. You. Do you.

I enjoyed the rather one sided debate. I flexed my intellectual muscles. Speech Giving Level 100. It was good. The fire ignited briefly.

I headed out. To pick up some home made cured ham a friend had made and offered. He had a lot to eat. So I gratefully went to pick some up. We chatted for a little - about Putin. And I went home. Another odd experience to finish the day off though. A trip to pick up artisan ham. Ok then.

Went to bed early. Tired.

But my thoughts would not settle. Of plans. Of time. Passing so fast. Of Athena slipping away. Ares gone.

I reflected on all the memories I had. All those things I had experienced. Relationships. Fun. Misery. Houses. Dogs. Good. Bad. The memories of Ares slipping away into fuzziness. Losing him. Shit shit shit shit fucking shit. Fucking fucking shitty fucking time.

Was it all worth it ? My life.

Undoubtedly, no question, absolutely not worth it.

The shit, and misery and suffering and garbage vastly outweighed the good. Not even close.

Not a bargain I would strike.

Not a good sign.

I have little doubt that I am a fuck up. That it shouldn't be that way. That I am flawed, and developed wrong, or thought wrong, or, went too deep down rabbit holes best left alone. Something. Many things. And I have ended up being a disaster - on a human living a happy life in the world kind of scale. Evolutionarily... weak. At best. A dead end. But yeah. Summary. A fuck up.

So here I am. Walking disaster. Just putting one foot in front of another. Attempting to completely ignore the negative, just focus on the positive, and believe, that it's all worth it. That it's alright.

At this point in my life, I am fairly sure I can say already, that it's not alright. The sum is going to be shit. But. Eh. Carry on. Keep going.

Cheery.

Tomorrow. Mm. Slow day I think. I have ordered a new graphics tablet. To replace my broken Cintiq. This one is wayyy cheaper than the Cintiq. And is not a wacom. But supposedly good stuff. The tech has got cheaper overall. So. I might have a tinker with that tomorrow.

I wish I could find.. peace. Somewhere.

When I popped over to my friend to pick up the ham he was cooking dinner for his family. He apologised for the mess. It was fine. A lived in house. Not messy. And. It felt lived in. Alive. Happy. Warm.

It was like being an undead suddenly invited into the livings home. I am like an empty shell. And the warmth of other peoples lives makes me realise what I don't have. Complicated. In a way it sounds like loneliness. Except. I'm not lonely. I don't think I'm lonely anyway. I think it's more complicated than that. It's about. Living. And how I don't. How I just ghost along surviving and not living. And being somewhere where people are living. Is like stepping into sunlight from the shadows.

Ah, I don't know. All I can tell you, is that I feel really good in such environments. Happier.

Fucked up. Amirite.

Ok. Enough waffling. Going to play a game, tire myself out, and then see if I can sleep without thoughts of The End Of Everything keeping me up.

Sigh.

Absolute bullshit.