Mar 13

 Hmm.

I an considering giving the blog a break. If not an outright stop.

I am considering giving social media in general a wide berth.

Not for any super right on reason. Oh. Yeah. Like. I'm. Getting back in touch with myself.

No.

It's just withdrawal. Plain and simple. The withdrawal monster has been whispering in my ear again. You know. What you should really do. Is just withdraw. Stop talking to people. Stop writing. Come on. You're tired. You know the bunker is nice. Just let the world pass. Go on. Forget you. As the young uns say - just lie down and become one with the dirt.

It's really strong. As in. It feels entirely right. And I would be stupid to ignore it. My instinct.

Here's the thing. Experience tells me that my instincts are sometimes absolute bullshit. Wrong. Wrong is an easy word, it's more complicated than that. Malformed. Twisted.

Perhaps you might frame it as an intellectual vs emotional battle. That's way too.. simplistic and pigeon holed. But eh.

The emotional says. Let's just go hide ! The intellectual says, oh boy, that's a really bad idea, it makes things much much worse. It may feel good right at the start. But very quickly becomes horrible - and self sustaining. You close one door with real people. And open the darker door full of demons. Talking to demons for any length of time is mind altering.

But the weight of the intellectual argument is like a feather. Theoretical. Academic. Blah blah blah. No feeling. No commitment. A math problem on a page.

The emotional argument carries with it the weight of a cannon ball. Meaningful. Heavy. Momentum.

It's very tough to go against that instinct.

Perhaps in a way.. ish.. it's like many problems. Like an alcoholic finding solace at the bottom of a bottle. An addict finding a moment of bliss at the pin prick of a needle.

Those things are lies. In the long run anyway.

A triumph of analysis, intellectual rigour and experience ! Handshakes all round on avoiding the issue.

Except not. Not that easy. All that shit feels paper thin, a whisper compared to the tug of climbing in the hole and shutting the lid.

See. My instincts are screaming. Stop. Stop. Stop. Go quiet. Dark. Fade.

Amazing.

I remember once a shrink telling me, that I couldn't think my way out of an emotional problem.

Ha ha. It wasn't aimed at anything per se. Not an accusation. Just more of a point. For my very active intellectual side to consider. No amount of problem solving takes away the sad. Ish.

It's a well learned lesson. And something I take with me when understanding others and their interactions. I see it all the time. The more science inclined versus the more emotional kind. You see it played out in the US on a grand scale. Neither side understanding the other. Why wont you accept the scientific data and acknowledge the problem ?? Why wont you accept the faith and teaching of my religion ?? Both sides look at each other wondering how they could be so stupid. The problem is. They are talking different languages. Rational vs Emotional. Intellectual vs Instinctual. Capitalist vs Communist. German v French. A perfectly logical, well laid out proof in German given to the French person. Who looks at it. Sees no meaning in it. And counters with a poem in French.

In order to get through to people, you have to learn to talk their language. That point is singularly failed over and over again. Not even understood. Instead The Other Team is branded as dipshits or heathens or un-American or whatever boogie man you dislike and then shouted at, at a louder volume. Speaking German Just Louder And More Shouty is definitely the way to make someone who doesn't know German really warm to you and suddenly confer understanding. The bottom line, which can be utterly bewildering for some, is a non science person is very unlikely to suddenly roll over and join you in your science light just because you presented it really well with science. For smart people, they sure do fail to get that repeated point. The assumption is. No. You must Science. How Can You Not ? Which I do understand. But. German v French. No amount of wishful thinking that everyone should be German is going to make it that way.

You have three options. Option One. Speak in a language they understand ( this means you have to make an argument NOT based on your language, ie a science person cannot use science to make their point ). Option Two. Teach them your language. The problem with this is, that in a hostile environment people are not going to take time to learn something from you. You. Can get fucked. This goes for double where having to learn something may contradict your already existing ideas ( ie, there is a god ). The point here however is, you don't HAVE to become French, you just have to UNDERSTAND French. There is a difference. However in practice this difference is often missed by many. ( "The test of a first-rate intelligence is the ability to hold two opposing ideas in mind at the same time and still retain the ability to function" - F. Scott Fiztgerald ). But this can also be hard where learning their language may be extremely hard or distateful. IE. Heres Why You Should Be A Nazi. Uhh. No. I don't want to learn that. But again. As. Shitty as it might be. Learning doesn't mean agreeing. Option Three. Ignore the first two options and shout at them. The easiest option, and the one you see acted on in spades.

Anywho. In real terms. I think I've hit something of a plateau of repeating bullshit. Pretty much always ill. Same shit. Different day. So. Why bother.

At a slightly higher level. I can feel a bunch of my creative mojo has evaporated. The state of the house has fallen into some mess of disrepair again. Perhaps. It is reflective of an indisious mood shift downwards. Hope replaced with meh.

Hmm. 

Onwards.

So. Another little insight into My Fuck Ups.

The new graphics tabby arrived the other day. Received it. Ohh exciting right ? No. Picked it up. Put it down. Ignored it.

No joy. No excitement. No need to open that shiny box. Zip. Zero. Nada.

This is pretty common for me. Materialism is a non event for me. Even when it's less materialistic and more about getting a useful and powerful tool. Still. Bzzzzzzt.

Eventually I opened it. Very nice.

Put it down without trying it. Realised I could do with some extension leads for it because of my main rig setup.

Leads came the day after.

Guess what.

I didn't open them. Or try it.

This is a bit of a problem. Because so much of the world is based on the concept of materialism, retail therapy, shiny new things giving you a lift. And a drive, a motivation, a spark of joy. And pretty much more often than not for me it elicits.... nothing. Which means a major part of how the world works. Look New Shiny - You Know You Want It. Just passes right through me.

Which doesn't help with the whole meaning of life nihilism kick. Because it immediately makes you look behind the curtain. Whether you wanted to or not. That illusion disintegrates leaving you with what... an overloud constant flicker of commercialism spraying in your face doing zero for you.

A bit of a hellscape. Turn it off. Ignore it.

This is why I tend not to Buy Shit. Of the things I do buy, they are typically tools. To Do Stuff with. Because thats what I do. I Do. And Do. And Do.

And possibly wonder why I am so tired and burned out.

Ha ha.

You could possibly come to what feels like a bullshit conclusion there by saying that in the face of a meaningless world, where the usual materialistic crap does not work, I choose instead to constantly work and occupy my mind with puzzles. A lot of which only then go towards giving me an even better grip on the nature of nihilism. Which intensifies the work.

*scratches head*

Hmmm.

It's possible.

Pro. I get to be really good at some shit. Con. I am miserable as fuck.

Ha ha.

Eh well.

Positives.

I can't even. As the youth would say. I'm not. Miserable. I. Don't think. Just very not positive. ( uh oh says the intellectual note taker ). Experience whispers to me that this is classic depression. Just not yet hardcore sufffeerrrrr with extra miserrryyyyy depression. Just more your vanilla depression. The foothills of depression from my perspective. I've had farrrrrrrrrrrrr worse.

Maybe.

Positives.

Come on mother fucker. Push.

Pfffffffttttttt. I. Will. Force. Myself. To use the new graphics tablet today. And try. Something arty. I'd rather stick my head in a blender at the moment. But. I'll do it, anyway.

Because life is all about joy, amirite.

Hahahaha. Ahh. Sigh.