Mar 16

 Not gone. At the moment.

Last few days have been rough. Super rough. The shadow of an ass kicking depression started to fall over me. Despite the rain of shit I try very hard at times to lift myself and do something normal. Post a video. Take a walk. Talk with someone. It's like swimming against a lava river.

I went for a walk on Monday with Hazel and was very subdued. No spark. I felt like shit. My mood was shit. When both line up like this. It's. Very. Hard. But I was doing the thing. Taking a walk. In the sunshine. Because. Lava swimming. 

For all of the difficulties with Hazel, one of the amazing things about her is that I can be myself with her in many ways. No need to hide any shit. Or rough edges. Or shower. Or put on a happy face. She gets it. She also goes through it. And we have a very good understanding that goes both ways. It is. A good thing. It also sometimes frustrates her. Because she actively sees when I put a happier face on things to others. And I get frowned at.

Hazel, bless her heart, was worried about me. She noted - undiplomatically - that I basically looked like shit. You have yellow bruising from your eyes down your cheeks. Yeah. Comes and goes. Sometimes blacker. It's ok though. The docs have said they don't take it as a sign of anything.

So that's alright then.

Even though it's pretty fucking obviously not alright.

Sigh.

On the way back to drop her off she asked if she could help. Order me some food. Something.

My cupboard has ahem, been kinda empty for like 2 weeks.

Eh. I'm ok.

She gave me her doubt face.

Let me help.

Eh. I'm ok.

Otherwise I'm going to see you next week and you're still going to have no groceries.

Eh. Sure.

She was being sweet. Which I always appreciate when people are willing to help and care. It's nice. As I've often said, I think we should all be there for each other.

She's off to see her boyfriend in the US, probably in April. And for what sounds like a month. Long time. Tricky situation. She can't stay with him so has to stay locally instead. Pricey. I hope it all goes ok. It feels.. a bit.. stressful for her. A lot riding on it. I don't know. What do I know. 

Moving on.

If Monday was bad, yesterday was worse. Less about the mood. More about the ill health. I felt garbage for most of the day. A weird malaise of faint nausea, odd stuffed head, wobbly legs, tired, sluggish. Blehhhhhhhhh. I napped twice. At times I felt super bad. I just gave in, sank to the bottom, relaxed, and waited for the possible end. This time ? Maybe ? Just let go.

It's hard to put into words how bad it gets all round.

Today. I am feeling more chipper. Mood is up. Don't feel... too bad. So. Yay ? This is extremely unexpected. And another lesson that shit is not predictable. Tomorrow may indeed be a better day. The skies clear, I get my voice back. How long that lasts, I don't know. Quite possibly by the afternoon it will have vanished and been replaced with shit. It certainly seems able to pivot within a 24 hour period.

My bunker mentality has lightened today. It's been very strong recently. Today is different.

It's crazy. Dealing with this shit is crazy. Hard. Inconsistent. Frustrating. Maddening. Misery. Eh. Pfft. Jeez. Mental health. Physical health. Is it CFS. FND. Gastro. Cardio. Arrrrrggggghhhhh.

Purgatory.

In the midst of shit yesterday, I managed to repot a plant. Which was nice.

But. So tricky. I get how hard things can be to see in others. The whole Linkin Park dude who was shot smiling the day before he commits suicide. Yes. YES. That's how that shit works. You have to look hard to see the cracks sometimes. And sometimes it can blow with the wind. Up a little. Crash. Very tricky. Very hard.

I pot a plant. Yay.

Worst day for a very long time.

Oh.

Eh well. More repeated lessons in How You Can Suffer In Life. I feel like I have plenty of this now, but, maybe not. There's always more suffering learning you can cram in.

Again it just refines my sense of suffering in others. And wishes for them not to suffer. And to help those out there struggling. Because fuck that shit.

Silver lining and all that. Makes me continually empathic about peoples suffering. I think this is what many rich spoiled people miss. That connection. Understanding. Let them eat cake ! Sometimes a little walk through the shit teaches you a whole bunch about what it's like to do that. I have seen it actively grow in some I know. Less and less... context. For what it means to struggle. More and more of that flippant, well, they should Just Do Better, shouldn't they ? Jesus.

Anyway. Shut up brain. For fuck sakes.

Have a re-potted plant.

It's some South African plant apparently. Not sure what. It was allegedly illegally smuggled in by my dad. Which I can well believe. As we did that the first time we all tripped off to South Africa in the 1970s. Brought back a trove of illegal seeds and plants. And donated most of them to my school for display purposes which they were much chuffed about.

This plant however is a much more recent smuggle than the 70s trip. It has at this point spawned many of its own kind with my sister. My sister gave me one so I could continue the possibly illegal growing.

 Positives.

I am feeling more positive today. Which is good in itself. Like. I have a future. Like. I am not dead yet. Like. I can do stuff. A little fire in the grate today. Life can be cool. If your brain lets you do that. Stupid fucking brain.