Mar 20

 Yesterday wasn't too bad of a day. For me. On the whole it was alright.

Which is quite something.

I cleaned the windows after the hitch the other day. Was alright. But by the end of it - not a huge or physical task - I could feel the nagging of burn out.

Which is no bad thing. I actually got a warning. On time. So I rested. And was ok. Of course. You could also look at this as, holy shit dude, what's wrong with you that such a small task burns you out. Yeah. *spooky hands* CFS !

If it's not obvious I am still having massive problems accepting that diagnosis. It just feels like bullshit. Part of it is how sketchy it is. It's not a simple I've broken my leg, rest for 6 weeks, fixed. It waxes and wanes. Manifests in a hundred ways. Burns you out. Blah. It's. Bullshit. The symptoms are bullshit - hard to pin down into any kind of pattern, widespread, debilitating. The diagnosis is bullshit. The equivalent of Ghosts In Your Blood.

Anathema to an IT dude like me. I don't do well with poorly defined shit. WHERES MY GODDAMN SPEC.

Meh.

Anyway. Yesterday was better. I did some stuff. Also, dead giveaway. I started eyeing up the computer room to put more shelves in. Could I do that ? I could do that. Make some shelves. Easy. How long. How wide.

This is .. an older version of me. One that used to slam up shelves and be, eh, passable at carpentry.

Slow up there dude. You barely stick your nose above water and you're off, prepping DIY projects - albeit small ones - but still.

Uh huh.

Still. A telltale sign I was feeling better.

Today I feel decidedly more.. iffy physically. I'm ok. But my legs are shaky. And I have that tug on me to .. rest. Do nothing. I am not planning shelves today. Mentally I'm alright. More positive. Better than I've been in a good while. It's all fairly fragile and not far from the edge. But. Eh. It's ok.

Gastro has been nuts. Dunno what I ate yesterday. But. Holy shit. Burp. Burrrrp. Burp. Crazy burping. This is probably the side effects of the stomach meds I am on. Less acid. Means .. shit can go down a little odd. But this was crazy levels. I woke up at 3am and felt like I had stuffed my face. Emitted a long burrrrrrrp. What. The. Fuck. Turned over. Burrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrpppp. And again. Jesus. I suddenly felt less stuffed. This continued for god knows how long. Burped out of sleep. For the record I can't remember the last time I had a "fizzy" drink. So it's not that.

Mmm k.

I mean. It wasn't discomforting. No issues. Just. Uhhh. Yeah. Very not normal.

What I've noticed on the tablets is basically your stomach is less capable of digesting stuff. Slower. Stuff sits around longer. Tough meat is a particular slow burn. Basically. Anything thats harder to digest. And I think you get more gas. It ends up more fermenting and less dissolving.

Nice.

Athena has been on top form the last few days. She has a definite spring in her step. Not sure what's up with that. Yesterday she was even quite boofy and very alert. Something she hasn't done for a long while. She was always the guard dog. Hyper alert. Boof boof. Ares was the opposite. Eh. Meh. Lets snuggle instead. Athena used to boof, and then trot around the house checking all the doors and windows. Ares just used to watch her whilst snuggled before entirely ignoring her. Only in serious cases would Ares actually get up and back her up. Typically if shenanigans were going on the back yard. A two boxer problem if you will. Who are you. You shouldn't be here. Get lost. Once Ares got up, you knew shit was serious. It never really was. But. Doggo logic.

In the last year or more Athena had lost that guard dog tendency. Snoozing instead. No longer setting off the alarm. Getting old.

Except for the last few days. Trotting around on her tippy toes. Boof boof boof. Alert !

Ok. What's gotten into you ? Full of beans. And it's not for want of exercise. We've been out more for longer this week. Ordinarily that would tire her out. Not this week.

Who knows. But it's super nice to see. She's currently acting like she's had a few years taken off her clock. Long may it continue.

Sometimes I like to daydream that we could live in a future where all your medical problems and age were fixed with a simple supplement they gave you. A shot. No problems. Doggos living for decades. A mastery of the medical.

Pretty daydream. Maybe one day.

Noodled with some art yesterday. "Art". Pfft. The end result is art. But. The noodling is.. with tools. Less art. More. Manipulation of tools. But it was cool.

Positives

Felt better yesterday. I am, not so good today, but, I am hoping the trend is up. And hoping I can rally a bit today. Take it easy. Chill. Hopefully this progress continues. I'm carefully watching what I am eating and.. not eating a whole lot either.. and I think that's helping. Ish. Maybe.

I still super need a rest. Work is a real thorn in my side to getting a handle on shit. And the work I'm doing at the moment is awful. This is the problem with work, or rather with Andy. He. Just. Cannot help himself. I have to be there. Doing shit. It's how the business works. From his point of view, it simply cannot. This leaves fuck all room for me to take a step back, rest, heal. It always puts me on a path to burn.

I am more aware of this than ever at the moment. I am still dubious as to whether a month off in April will actually do shit. But it's an excellent test. Positive view - it helps a whole bunch. Or at least shows me a path.

So let's hope that happens.