Mar 22

 Similar pattern yesterday.

Started feeling ill early afternoon. Ok in the morning. Shitshow in the afternoon.

Ate some dry toast for lunch, couple of hours later felt somewhat better. Well enough to go out for a dog walk anyway.

Took out a bouncy Athena with Hazel and Poppy. Which was nice. Albeit I was somewhat subdued again. Not exactly feeling well. But. Not a disaster. Being unwell tends to take the wind out of your sails and dries up conversation. It all gets a bit more. Prioritised. Less chat. More concentrating on not throwing up.

By late afternoon, early evening I was ok again. So. On the scale of things. Yesterdays bout of unwell was... lesser.

Noodled with some art. Played games with Dan.

Got a message from my brother whilst out in the car. No. Can't wait. Urgent. Mom is on final watch. Meds withdrawn. Care home said if you want to see her, see her, right now. Rules for visiting hours et al dropped. Don't wait til tomorrow.

As of today. No news. I can only assume no news is good news.

The pattern does seem inevitable however. Since Christmas. Saw it coming. And it has been coming for a long while.

I got the call whilst Hazel was in the car - parked outside her flat, ready to drop her off.

Are you ok she says ?

I'm ok.

She gave me one of her dubious looks.

I'm ok. Life's shit anyway. How much worse can it get ? Par for the course. And a long time coming. And. Yada. Blah. She's tired.

I don't know. I don't know if it was Hazel watching me. Or what. But I was less ok with it than I thought I was. I didn't break down in a flood of tears. But yeah. It roiled around a bit. Sometimes. It's harder when someone else is there and gives a shit. I am pretty sure it's something about always having to cope. And you just get on with shit. Until there is someone there that maybe cares. And then. Maybe. You don't have to be that way. Maybe. It's ok to be sad. Conditioning vs realities. In a very real way. It's like a person that never gets hugged. And says. I am fine with not being hugged. Then gets hugged. And bursts into tears. The dam collapsed.

It's very much that I think.

Which just goes to show you how much conditioning I *still* have in me from my goddamn parents upbringing.

Anywho. My mom hasn't really been my mom.. in a long time now. I don't mean that in any kind of horrible way at all. Just that. She hasn't really been herself at all for more than a year. A shadow of herself that lapses in and out. And I haven't had a proper conversation with her in.. years. Not because we haven't talked. Just because. You know. Just. That decline. Slowly. Fading away. The person she was has slowly faded as the MS and age have eaten her bit by bit. Really. Not a good way to go. But then, we don't get to choose, do we. Well. Mmm. Maybe.

So. In a way. It makes her eventual passing a bit easier. A slow coming to terms with realities. A slow changing of behaviour. Had the same thing kind of with Ares really. That slow change.

But she's not gone yet.

Back at it with work today. The horrendous task. Eh. It's ok. I think despite being ill and shit, the extra day off is already doing me a bit of good work wise. I am less burned out with it. Maybe there is something to this scale back work thing after all.

Maybe not. Sample size data of 1. Bullshit.

I track the news about Ukraine. Seeing if Putin has finally been "retired" yet or not. I hear a lot of people saying they are afraid of nuclear war. Of him taking everyone with him. I think it's unlikely. But. Eh. Very. Selfishly perhaps. Very. Switched off. I find myself uncaring. Fire the nukes. Fuck it. It's not like most people are fucking enjoying themselves anyway. Christ. Just do it already. Wipe us all out. Or. Let us start again. The rich and powerful are never going to roll over. Maybe a nuclear board wipe will achieve something. Will I die ? Probably. But then we all do, don't we.

I get thats pretty hardcore self destructive and nihilistic. But eh. Honestly. You walk around hell for a good while. Nuclear war seems .. not that scary. Impending horrible death via nukes. Eh. Sure. So what. As a species we probably deserve it anyway. Personally. Eh. Sick of this shit anyway. Bring on oblivion. Or a post apocalyptic society and a very short life span. Whatever. Roll with the punches. They don't hurt anymore.

Tip top life coaching ! Develop a numb sense of apathy to the world ! Lose your fear ! Become a zombie !

Ha.

Talked to my friend in the Netherlands about the realistic chances of me getting out there. Them being low to nil. Trouble getting my official documentation out of the government. I was informed yesterday that there was "light at the end of the tunnel" and that by the end of the week they would hopefully have sorted out their issues. Maybe. Call back next week.

Uh huh. I am still dithering about what to do. It rises and falls every day based on how sick I am feeling. So. You can figure how that goes.