Mar 3.. Addendum

Can't sleep. Felt ill. Went to bed.. eh.. somewhat early.

But I can't sleep. 

My head is awash with emotions and thoughts and theories and whatifs and emotions.

Borderline manic. Round and a round.

So it goes. Rarely I can start to wander towards a manic phase. Super rarely properly manic. My brain just gets stuck in an upshifted gear and it burns through shit.

What would I do with a bit of money ? Give it away. Give some to my brother, sister. Does this money make your life easier ? Then take it. No mentions. No ties. Play out all the scenarios. The conversations. The responses. Revise. Refit. Light touch. Brain shifts again, who else would need money, give it to those that needed it. Where they were stuck. Or a little money would go a long way. So much good you could do with a bit of money.

This is not the way of a rich person who hoards their money. I could never be someone like that. Fuck those people. Always fucking in it for the angle. The calculation. The worry. Never just the good.

My mind shifts. Travelling with Athena. Adventures. Cool. But anxiety inducing. How long will she be around for. Not long. Fleeting.

My mind shifts again. All the artists I have helped. Sponsored. Bought hardware for. Talked to. Followed. A good thing. No one knows, except me, and them.

Of my own mortality. How ill I constantly am. Can't do shit. An ever increasing need to Help Out, and an increasing failure to meet it. But I am zen with trying my best. Is this my final form - the helper, always.

A realisation how I stack up differently to some others. I am not me me me. I do not judge people on What They Can Do For Me. I give. Not very pro capitalist of me. Not very "winner". I am ok with that. I don't believe in that bullshit anyway. I realise some people see the world as a game. What can they get out of it. There is a simple fucking rule of thumb here. Treat others as you yourself would want to be treated. If someone is hurting, help them. Don't sit there and calculate your gains.

A weird shifting set of emotions. From sad. To caring. To angry.

Definitely not zen. Turmoil.

Lots of ideas for games. Art. A friend surprised me this evening with a dozen riffs of his own on my art. It. Was. Amazing. So cool to see someone else take my start and then riff on it. Better than me. A better eye. Better art skill. So cool. Fans the embers of whats possible into a fire of This Is Fucking Cool Lets Do Shit !

Slooowwww down. Take a breath. Too many thoughts and feelings.

Bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzt.

Lets get up. Focus my brain on something it can chew on until it chills the fuck out. A game.

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