Mar 3

 Took the pace of work down a notch yesterday. Noodled around improving and tidying up the big release from the day before, and started thinking about taking on the next monstrous task.

As part of that I made sure to take breaks, and get out for a late lunch dog walk.

Which. Makes me feel better.

As obvious and stupid as that sounds. Remembering to take breaks from work helps. Duhhhhhh.

No one said I was smart about that. Ever.

The walk was nice. I've fallen into a bit of a pattern recently of going out for a walk once a week-ish with Hazel and her mutt over the local heath. Hazel always seems keen for these walks - I think it gets her out somewhere different, gives Poppy a proper run, she gets to see Athena and yada blah. In short. I think she enjoys it. And I do too. I like having company on walks, and I really like Athena getting to do something interesting in her day.

So it's all round positive. A bit of exercise. A bit of a catch up and a chat. The mutts get to run around and meet a whole bunch of other mutts. Perfect.

Hazel chatted with a few dog walkers - she's a lot more open, friendly and accepting of people with dogs ( interesting ! see.. dogs are good therapy ) - and one of the ladies was shocked when Hazel told her Athena was over 12. But. She's like a puppy ! The fact she was an old lady garnered Athena extra hugs and love. Heh. Athena is doing remarkably well for her age. Long may it continue.

Ares has been on my mind a lot the last week. I haven't said anything about it. But it's been something of a quiet struggle in the background. I think. Perhaps. It was kicked off by a friend asking how he was. Gone. Passed away. And we talked about it a bit. And of course. I cannot go there with it upsetting me a lot. And since then. Eh. I had a harrowing dream where Ares was back with me again. Somehow. Don't question it. He's back. Be happy. But realised he couldn't really be there. It was just my imagination. I missed him so much that I believed I could see him. He felt real. And I cried and cried and cried. Non stop. Super sad. Needless to say, the next day. Yeah. That emotion doesn't just roll up and quit. It followed me out of my dream and it took me a day to even start to shake off the sadness.

I have to be so careful with the memory of Ares. I can't linger. I can't go too deep. If I do. It overwhelms me, sinks me, and inevitably I turn super hardcore nihilistic and hopeless. Unfair. Cruel. Fuck life. Etc. Want a guaranteed way to fuck me up ? Ask me a lot of stuff about Ares and get me talking about him. Guaranteed. Eventual. Meltdown. Hardcore. If you wanna see a glimpse of the deepest hopeless waters I swim in. Assuming I don't pull back at some point and stop the conversation. I don't forget him. He's. Always there. But. I know I can't sink into the abyss either. I really miss him. And I am far from perfect in my coping with his loss. Sometimes it will flatten me. Blam. Fuck you buddy. Have a wall of loss and sadness. But. His loss has been teaching me. How to deal with super bad loss things, stuff that changes and I can't change. It teaches me I cannot just open up the floodgates and stand exposed to an onslaught of everything at once - even though that's kinda what my masochistic persona does. I have to manage it. Not suppress it. Not ignore it. But treat it with respect. Like using oven gloves to take something hot out of the oven. And to constantly adapt. And reflect on it. It's a journey. One that I am shit at. But. I'm trying. It is, in parallel, also teaching me how to cope with depression. It's the same journey. Ares loss is teaching me something about not reaching so far into the lava of nihilism. I think I am starting to truly grok the whole, break the negative thinking loop. It has taken me many many years to start to truly grok it. Until Ares left it had been mechanical. Now. I am learning to .. i don't know. Be even more careful with negative thought patterns. It's only one small part of the picture. I still get super fucking depressed. Out of the blue. But perhaps. I have some inkling about how to not make that worse. Maybe. Perhaps. I don't know.

The loss of Ares is complicated. And horrible.

In my heart of hearts I wish the world wasn't this way. And he could kick around with me forever. Just us. Noodling along happily. Finding cool sticks. Snuffling the leaves. I think that would probably be my idea of heaven. A nice walk, on a sunny, but cool day. Not exhausting. Full of interesting things. Grass. And trees. And water.

If I strip away all the bullshit and the rationalisations and logic and intellect and philosophy and adulting then..

this world sucks hardcore. It's fucking shitty. And I don't like it. Why can't I just live a simple happy life exploring the world with my two best mutts. Fuck everything else.

Switch back on the adulting. Yeah but. And this. And responsibilities. And life. And yada blah fucking whatever with this fucking bullshit of trying to smear some kind of happy icing on the shitcake.

Sigh.

Oh no. I've sighed. This gets me a look from Athena. She sizes me up. Gets up. Sticks her snoot in my face. Are you ok ? What you need is for me to sit on you right ? To place myself between you and the laptop. I think your laptop sucks. Look at me instead.

How on earth dogs got to be incisive therapy animals is not super clear. It's some bone deep instinctive reaction and understanding of body language. The whole, evolving around us for the last 15,000 years. The opposite of some scientific academic course all about theory, it is instead, instinctive application.

But super effective. And amazing.

Dogs, are amazing. Anyone that doesn't think so is at best uneducated ( hasn't spent quality time with them ), and at worst, some kind of sociopath. You can quote me on that. Trump, infamously, does not like dogs. This does not surprise me in the least. For all his upbringing scars and background that have turned him into the monster that he is, and the understanding that he is just a damaged person that would benefit from proper help... for all that... fuck him. Hope he burns. He is an unsalvageable monster at this point. Stuck in his ultra toxic ways. Dick.

Not very zen, understanding or cool of me. But. Sadly. The world would be a better place if he just dropped dead. Fastest, easiest, best outcome, honestly. Sometimes I guess, life has to be like that. I accept how you got to that place. I am sorry that happened to you. But now you need a bullet in your head. Harsh. And reserved for only the truly worst. Hitler level therapy. Via a gun.

I am not perfect.

Or maybe that's just realism, and the belief that everyone can be saved is the imperfection.

I'mma gonna say everyone deserves a chance. And healing.

I'm just imperfect in that I can't always get there, and in some rare cases, would rather they burn.

We are all imperfect eh ?

Moving on.

Felt a bit better healthwise yesterday, managed to have a fairly uneventful sleep for once, and that makes things a whole lot better. Then I didn't blow out on work yesterday either. So. Yesterday, all things considered, was fairly even keel. I was tired by the end of the day, but, leaned into it a bit and ended up streaming game playing.

In the scale of things. Yesterday was a much better day.

Today is a bit more lumpy, but, I am hopeful I stay on the right side of being well. Think Positive.

I have been contemplating going on an adventure in April - when I take a month off.

I am not entirely sure how feasible it is, or how much I want to do it. Don't get me wrong, I want to do it, but, I am also keenly aware it's not easy, would be taxing, and I am anxious about all the problems I potentially face, not least of which is my health and sorting a whole bunch of logistical and bureaucractic bullshit out of the way to do it. Not something I like doing at all.

The idea is to go see a friend in the Netherlands, but, heres the adventure bit. Take Athena with me.

This, is a challenge. Air travel is out of the question. It's not recommended for old pets. Athena is as old as they get. And I am very not keen on letting her out of my sight. I am not doing that shit to her in her old age. Non negotiable.

So that leaves you with a sea crossing. A ferry from local to me over to Hook of Holland takes a monstrous 6 and a half hours. Mmm k. With a caveat. Pet cannot leave your car. Or goes in the ship kennel. Mmmmm k. This seems crap. It would be one thing if I could take her for a walk aboard the ferry. But leaving her in a car for 6 hours seems epically shit. And again. Kennel. No. If she was a good deal younger, *maybe*, but then again, neither of my mutt have ever seen, let alone been in a kennel. They are people dogs.

The calais crossing would be an hour and a half. Same setup. Hour and a half is very doable.

Or go by rail. 35 minutes. Muchhhhhhhhh better. 35 minutes is a no brainer.

This then leaves a 3 and a half hour journey on the UK side. And a 3 hour journey on the European side.

That's pretty hardcore for the old lady and myself. A mid ways stop on each leg would be doable. 4 1.5 hour legs. I do a 1.5 hour leg to get down to my brother and back. So. This is doable for us both. Kinda. Four of those journeys back to back is mehhhh not so bueno.

Then we have all the bullshit about papers and yada. And the logisitics of having Athena at the destination. Are you good with dogs. What about your house. Garden. Yada.

It's a lot.

In a perfect world it would be a great adventure for the both of us. And. We would get to do something really enriching for Athena again. She'd get to experience a whole bunch of stuff she had never experienced before. Such a cool European traveller :p

I'm still mulling it over. My anxiety is flaring a bit with it. I worry about the toll on Athena. On me. Heh. I don't know. We shall see.

It's also kind of important because my friend out there is struggling. Which is the recurring theme of the moment. Everyone is struggling. And I think. Going to see her. And bringing positive package of love and light Athena with me, would go a long way to cheering her up.

Ho hum.

I've sighed again. Athena is eyeing me up again. Do I need a sigh intervention ?

Apparently not this time. Back to snoozing instead.

Heh.

Say it quietly. I am going to miss the ever loving fuck out of her when she goes. I didn't think I would be strong enough to get through Ares. I have the same thoughts, but worse about Athena. Neither of them here is a very very cold world to me.

But let's not go there eh. Today. We are all good.

I am finding it quite tough at the moment - not just with my usual clown car of health and mental bullshit. But a lot of people are struggling. And. It's. Getting tough to keep up. I am typically great with this shit. But. It's a lot at the moment. I'm doing my best, but, in a perfect world I could be doing more. I am doing what I can.

Positives. Things are.. touch wood.. cross your fingers... going in the right direction in the last 48 hours. It's ridiculous that my life is like this. Blowing hot and cold, up and down, all within 24 hour periods. Struggling to maintain not being shit. But. Hopefully. I am due a period of.. being better. Don't push it. Enjoy it. Rest.

Things are gonna get better.