Mar 8

 Spent a lot of yesterday feeling unwell. Not super unwell. I was still capable. In. A. Not nice, kind of, bleghh, but, mmm k. Kind of way.

The old me ( pre 2021 ) feeling like that would have made me promptly sat and nursed myself better.

The new me is, meh, for fuck sakes, and just.. powers on through it. Until I can't.

I had a task to do yesterday in any case. An important one. Being there for someone else on a day that was harrowing for them.

So. Suck it up buttercup. Do the thing. Go be supportive.

I wont go into details as it was super personal for them. But. Yeah. The height of anxiety inducing. Meltdown level. Pain. Discomfort. Awkwardness. Feeling like shit. Healthcare professionals.

I picked them up, dropped them off, waited for them, took them home. And did some stuff for them inbetween.

Throughout I was mehhhhh. Ok. Functional. Up and down a bit ( healthwise ).

I've been pretty off for a number of days together now. And on reflection I've been pretty shit since before December. It definitely feels like I've got worse. And it's either.... super slow to get better. Or. Just isn't getting better.

I am tending towards the former than the latter. I just think.. I am very slow to heal. Very fragile - the slightest shit knocks me off my perch. Coughs and colds hit me like a truck etc. Meh.

So. Positive thinking. I'm just the sort of person that takes forever to get better now :p

Somewhat rude. I always used to be the reverse. One of those robust people that shrugged crap off. Oh well.

Had a chat with a friend about the tentative idea of going out to the netherlands with my old lady. He wasn't being pushy at all. But. He thought it not a great idea. 1) I was supposed to be resting. The plan did not sound like resting. 2) Didn't seem entirely fair on the old lady.

I uh. Can't argue with that. They are good points.

The. Sort of. Counter arguments go something like - well, I have some time free in April, and, I think my friend could really do with some in person "help". And. Athena would get some really cool life experiences and interesting things.

But. Yeah. He also has a point.

It has thrown my doubtful plans into hardcore doubt. I am still thinking it over. But. Meh.

He seems to be getting familiar with how I tick somewhat. He noted that on knowing someone needed help, you've got free time, you've decided to throw on your emergency outfit and head on out. Regardless. Which is great. But also. Not very self protective.

Uh huh. Well. Definitely me.

He said if it wasn't for Athena it would be much more straight forward.

Yeah. No brainer. Jump on a plane. Catch a train. Done and dusted. But then that would apply to a bunch of situations. Jump on a plane. Go see people.

In theory. Anyway.

I still have a vague... I guess it's anxiety... about doing that. There is a little voice there that says. Ooh. That sounds like a lot. Wouldn't you rather climb into this comfy hole instead ? Yes. Yes I would.

Bunker mentality. Always in the background. The allure of the bunker is a siren song. Come in. Close the lid. Sleep. Forget everything.

It is, when you put it like that, a pure deep seated trauma reaction. No no no no no no no no. Go away.

Damage someone enough, guess what, they get... twitchy.

It's hard for me to think of myself as suffering from trauma in that way. I. Have trouble ... understanding it. Don't get me wrong. Intellectually I can see it. Oh yes. Very obvious. But owning it, is a different beast. It's like reading about someone else.

Anyway. Fuck that noise. ( ah angry avoidance and change of subject, excellent, the shrink scribbles notes )

Heh.

Work today. I super can't be arsed. I am however applying some learned discipline to just do some shit anyway. Hopefully I get my teeth into it and start bouncing along a bit. The work today is horrific. Worst possible type of work. So. There's that. Very hard. But eh. I am allegedly the uber professional. This is what I do. Doesn't mean I have to like it. Shit's hard. 

We shall see. I think I am going to do my best with it today not to just burn out. Take breaks. Be sensible. Think of art instead. Thinking of art, by and large, makes me happy. "Happy". More positive. IF my mind is in the right place. If it's not. Then art is like everything else, just ashes.

Watched a series on Amazon Prime. Upload. Enjoyable. Cool. I like the whole exploration riffs on uploading of minds. What that means. Proper sci fi stuff of feeling out the societal implications given a What If scenario. Which is all good sci-fi really is. It keeps it light and funny, but there are also serious implications in there. If a living person has entire control of a dead uploaded person... all the power is with one and not the other. Textbook setup for an abusive relationship. Where, abusive relationships can often form where there is a major discrepancy in "power" between the parties. Always something to be wary of.

It also of course spurs the whole exploration of Matrix like simulations. Simulations within simulations. How far down the rabbit hole are you ? Also. What is reality ? Is there even such a thing, given that your experience of the world is just an interpreted bunch of electrical signals. All of which goes to say, that everything is subjective. Nothing is real, in that sense.

I can't remember how the conversation started, but at one point a friend passed comment about what if an end game screen came up on your life.

My immediate passionate response was Thank Fuck. Ohhhhh that would be so nice. Thank fuck that's over. I'm not playing that game again.

Ho ho ho.

Much later it crossed my mind, what if the reality I then entered into, from playing this "game" was far farrrr worse. Which was why you played such a shitty game in the first place.

Eh. Yeah.

What if. There's just a chain of ever shittier realities above. Maybe the top one is a civilisation on the verge of being eaten by a red giant. All life scoured from the planet. Everyone in bunkers squeezing out their last moments of life. Uploaded into a machine. Where one second real time becomes months. Able to game out their last few minutes.

Cheery.

Ha ha.

In any case. Me being me. I'd still take oblivion. Oh god. Let it end for christs sakes.

Uh huh.

Positives.

I don't know. Hopefully feel better. Believe things are going in the right direction. Rest. Noodle with some art. Get through the work day. Heh. S'all I got at the moment.