April 1

 It's been a week !

Went to see the family last week which went ok. I actually had a patch of 4 days where I didn't feel like shit, which, was nice.

I felt pretty good on the day I was due to go down there, but by the time I was due to come back I had started to wobble a little.

This week I have slowlllyy marched backwards as my energy has petered out thrashing out changes to the gnarly project at work.

Not sure if its work, the house, or what.

I'm not sure if I am gonna go visit my family again for a while. Or. At all. For a long while. Athena is not enjoying her visits down there. She's ok. But. Yeah. Picking up on her vibes. She doesn't like it. One of my brothers dogs is a bit of a jealous nipper, and despite being a tenth of the size of Athena tends to bite her legs, tail, sides, anything she can get hold of. By and large Athena just puts up with it and retreats. She doesn't enjoy it. And removes herself out of the way where she can. At times she went and stood in a corner facing the wall.

Super no bueno.

I coaxed her out. But yeah. Her mood was subdued. Anytime we ventured out of the house she immediately brightened up. And being at home. She's brightened up and relaxed again.

So.

Eh.

I am very disinclined to make her put up with it to be honest.

Hazel has offered to babysit, so, there is that.

But again. I am disinclined to leave Athena for any length of time.

Just how it is.

The deathwatch for my mom has continued. It did not magically go away. All meds removed, placed onto "muscle relaxants". So. Probably full of opiates then. My sister has become quite frustrated / angry about it all, as the care home has reversed their decision about end of life care and put her back on antibiotics that they admitted were doing nothing at this point. My sister used some fairly brutal language about the matter. And quality of life. And how cruel it was. And a failure to get a straight answer from anyone.

Difficult.

I went to see her on the Sunday.

She was pretty dire.

I did talk to her a little. She was mostly there. Not delerious as she had been for a lot of the week. But tricky. Like talking to a youngster. And she drifted in and out of sleep.. or.. awareness. Mouth open. Eyes shut. In an out. Fading. Grim. And suffering. The horrific cough she had in December is still there. She doesn't have the strength to fight it off. But now she hardly has the strength to cough. When she does, it's weak, and sounds.. awful.

I sat and held her hand for 45 minutes. It was probably the most direct thing she knew that I was there. I rubbed the back of her hand continually, and she did the same to me. Still in there.

It was hard.

I kept it together mostly. A few times I wobbled, but, I kept it together.

Until I left.

Then I was a shit show.

I cried on the way back to the car.

It has taught me that there are ways to go, and there are ways to go. The way my mom is going is.. awful. If the last couple of decades have been pretty bad, watching a deterioration. Then. This last bit. Is. Agonizing.

My sister has flatly stated she will not visit her again. She can't deal with it.

I understand. It's. Bad.

For me it threw my nihilism into stark relief front and centre. What the fuck is the point of it all. All that striving for that end ? What the fuck is the point of any of it.

Ho hum.

I have to admit I didn't want to go and see her. Not because I didn't want to go and see her. But. Because I knew it would be hard. I knew it would be like sticking your head in a blender. The instinct is to hesitate before you stick your hand in the fire. Not easy.

But you do the thing. Set your shoulders. And walk the hard path. Because if I was her. I would want someone to do that for me. Treat others how you want to be treated. And she is powerless and vulnerable.

But fuck does it cost.

Anyway.

I saw my dad a couple of times. Didn't say two words to him. I bought him some honeycomb for an early Easter. He didn't say arse all. I know he loves honeycomb. Used to be one of his faves. He's become a bit awkward now. Like he doesn't know what to say. Which. I guess makes sense. He's very much on the outside looking in. Everyone else is at ease. He is not.

Not that anyone excludes him. But. Combination of things I think. Again. Not an easy situation.

Nothing about the family is easy.

My dad did not look good. No doubt the stress. Maybe. My moms condition. Maybe. He looked extremely old. And frail. I've been told he has cancer - how developed I don't know. And a heart flutter now. I don't know. Always hard to tell with him. He's never straight about anything to do with that.

My Brother seems to be doing really well. Tuned in. Dealing with everything thrown at him. Being quite zen with difficulties and personalities. Impressed is the very wrong word to use. But. I dunno. I think he's doing a good job in a difficult situation. I think retiring has done him so much good. And. He's growing I think as a person. So is my sister. Although. My sister is growing into an analytical empath type. Which. Is cool. But. I know how that one goes if you're not careful. Lets just say. Its now on my worry radar. Low level. But yeah. I have half an eye on it. Not that I could do shit about it. But eh.

I finally nailed the piece of work I've been labouring under for a month. It's a monumental piece of effort. And a frankly amazing end product if I do say so myself. It's one of those wondrous pieces of computing magic that just works, takes an endlessly crap and complex thing, simplifies it, makes it run like shit off a shovel and puts you above the crowd capability wise. A bit of an industry changer. It handles thousands of tax calculations in under a second. Gives you 5,000 vehicles to choose from all with your tax work done for you, National Insurance, Income Tax, Pensions, Additional Taxes et al. And does it in a blink of an eye. Literally. 5000 of them. All at once. It's very kick ass. It's also revealed some very interesting data points from that mining. Something that everyone else has been missing until now. Cool. It's a secret, at this point known only to me.. and Andy because I told him.

I'm glad it's done. It was a killer.

Already the buzz of getting such a beast over the line fades into just meh. 

Well done Johnny. Don't you dare feel satisfied.

Feeling a bit ropey again at the end of the week.

I volunteered to work today, despite it supposedly being a day of rest. I wanted to nail that piece of work before.....

... being off for a month.

Here, is where, perhaps, my life changes. Month off. Then back to work for just 2 days a week. Less money. More time.

Already the month off feels.. tiny. Like barely a gasp of breath. We shall see.

I have a weird feeling about it all today. A slippery tricky emotion. It waves sometimes up to excitement, before quickly rolling out into unease, of sinking into a longggg disturbed slumber. I am not sure what to make of it. It feels. Not entirely great to be honest.

Pretty sure I am not going to do shit in my month off. Maybe that will change if I feel rested. At the moment. I just feel like sleeping for a month.

I told my mom I was off for a month.

Oh. Good. She said. You can come and see me again.

Yeah mom I said.

Tricky slippery grief. It instantly flashed through my mind whether she would be still there or not.

Such is life.

I just sent out a ping yesterday to a stranger. Someone with terminal cancer. Checking she was ok. She had gone silent for a few weeks. Was she. Dead ? No. Not yet. I got a reply and a thanks for checking on her. That's ok.

My ensemble of lost souls.

If she's still alive.. and she comes down South, I'll go and see her. Have a chat. Take her to dinner. Avoid talking about nihilism.

Because if it was me. I would want someone to do that for me.

I'll skip the bit this week where I was hideously sad.

But I was.

Contemplating death. Which seems to be a really common theme for me of late.

Sigh.

Positives.

I'm off. To snooze. Do shit. Whatever. Spend quality time with Athena. It must be good. Yay.

At the moment I just feel terribly sad. Borked indeed.