April 19

 Better this morning. Played some games.

Worse this afternoon.

A deeply subdued mood has come over me. Motivation has drained out of the soles of my feet. Languishing feeling off and ill. My horizons narrow down. All I am fit for is huddled in bed, watching obscure sci fi. That's about the limit of my capabilities.

I have shifted from the practical - how to deal with ongoing problems, to the philosophical - fuck it all, I am tired of suffering, there is little point.

I am ok.

Maybe there should be a drinking game for everytime I say I am ok. Everyone slams a shot.

I am ok.

As the afternoon has waxed into the evening I have started to feel a little better. Off. Wobbly. Left side of my face is once again "tight", tingly. My left leg is off. Dragging a little. I took Athena out for a walk. I went out without fanfare - a mess, clothes I've lived in for a few days, unshowered. It's not important.

Athena enjoyed her walk. And it was alright. She's been off her food all day. Not entirely uncommon. Though of late it seems to be more common. She was loathe to go home. I let her sniff around everyone in the car park whilst I patiently waited for her. She's a lovely girl.

I've not properly kept track of it. But I think this is the fourth or fifth day I have been unwell. If. Some kind of pattern holds. A theory. Then I should feel better tomorrow. Thursday at the latest. Unless I trigger again. We shall see.

So the girl I spoke to a whiles ago, the one with terminal cancer, the one who I was gonna show a few places in Norfolk took a turn for the worse. Very. Worse.

Today she took herself off to Dignitas.

I left her with a final message. She sent back a single heart emoji.

She absolutely lived her best life for the last six months. Threw all the shackles off. And just went and experienced life. In a small camper van. Sucking up every quality moment she could. Despite having a terminal diagnosis. Her last six months were. Amazing. Life affirming. Full. Wondrous.

There is some lesson in there. Sad. Dark. Ironic. Positive. In a way, her knowing when her end was gave her the freedom to live her very best life. It is so odd, and yet so understandable, that for others that dont have that end notification they can live in that twilight life. Not really appreciating it. Grinding on to see another day. There is something torturous in there. Perhaps we should indeed all live our days as if they were our last. The problem then is. What do you do when you're still around in 12 months time and have run out of money.

Then again. From her perspective. The perspective of someone who died today. Willingly. It seems all very... petty. Trivial. Live your life. Not tomorrow. But now.

But we're all stuck in that half light.

Hum ho.

I can only admire her spirit of life. I wish I had met her in person. I said as much to her. We chatted a little. She said I was her kind of people. I think I would have learned something from her. I think I could have filled a few days of her time left with cool things.

But the clock ran out.

And we all have an end date. Not if. But when.

Despite my bleak tone, I am ok with it. Sad. Like I need a reason to be sad. But sad. I am sad that she had such an end. I am sad that we only ever seem to burn brightly when we give ourselves an excuse.

It is another thorn in the side of what is the point of it all. Life. Yada. There isn't one. Just a hilarious accident of evolution. A monkey gifted a mistake of abstraction to work out how to get the coconut, and eventually turning that same capability onto the universe itself and the monkeys place within it.

A horrible mistake.

Anyway. A restful day today. Albeit not especially pleasant. I find I have lost 4 or so days of my month off to just being ill. Chunks of my life peel away and are lost.

That more than anything makes you question what the point is. Not living. Hardly surviving. Half comatose. Dozing away the ill. Meh.

Onwards and upwards. Tomorrow will be a better day.