April 20

 Much better this morning.

Oh. Have I got through the worst of it ? Yes ? Yes ? No.

Afternoon, the familiar blegh crept over me. Slept for a few hours.

Got up feeling a bit better. Tidied the garden. Hung up the washing. Uh huh. Dizzy. Clamp around my neck pressure wise. Screeching ears. Weak legs. Marvellous !

Getting all the old symptoms again. Still. Heart palpitations. Dizzy. Neck pressure. Random pains. Face tingles. Pins and needles in fingers. Meh.

Eh well.

I have lapsed between being ok with it all - eh fuck it, if it's a spiral down I'm ok. If someone with terminal cancer can live life, then so can I. To the other end of the spectrum, holy shit this makes me miserable, when can I end it.

Ho hum.

I am trying very hard to extract quality time from my life where I can when I can. Enjoy the moments when I am not shit. Enjoy the fact I can do anything. Including just sitting huddled watching TV. That's ok. Could be worse.

I am improving, from day to day. It's slow progress. I think in general, the longer since its been that I have eaten, the better I feel. Ish. In general. But it's a complicated dance of lowering blood sugars and yada blah. Between a rock and a hard place. I am still thinking it over on the best approach. I think the next time it gets bad I will also try another 24 or maybe 36 hour fast and see if I still feel like crap. If I do - ok, then its not 100% linked to eating anything. If I don't. Then I guess my system just doesn't like eating *period*. It's a reasonable experiment I think. I particularly want to see if the way I feel better in a morning is just a diurnal thing, or, its linked to eating *anything*, whatever I have in the morning, and by afternoon the food has kicked in and made me feel like shit. It's NOT what I am eating here. Because I mostly eat super defensively - plain wholemeal toast. An apple. Egg on toast. Nothing crazy. Nothing seasoned. Small portion. Dunno. Diurnal is a definite possibility - my mentals often tick over on a diurnal phase, and stuff like asthma symptoms also rise and fall on the same. It's the natural biorhythms that scale up and down things like your immune system and is linked to your circadian rhythm. The life breath of everything on this planet ( by and large ).

The funny thing is, underneath it all - wipe all that shit off, I feel pretty damn good. When I get glimpses of the clouds clearing, I feel in better shape than I have in a long time. Perhaps that's just a bit of a euphoric aftermath of suffering giving me false highs. Maybe. And. It's super rare. But eh. I used to get euphoric highs after particularly bad migraines. For a wonderful hour or so after they cleared the world was more sparkly, bright, wonderful, amazing. It was beautiful. Then it would wear off. The body no doubt realising I was no longer in crash mode cutting off my supplies of natural high, endorphins and everything else. Boo. It's an interesting lag effect. Like jet lag. But euphoric.

Also indicative of just how bad shit gets.

Change of topic. I often reflect on my overall tone. Here, if not elsewhere. Here is 99% just the unadulterated me. So. It is extremely dark. Outside of here. I do a lot to project positivity instead. Or at least. Leash the negative. And concentrate on others, not me.

I am I think, unadulterared me, horrifically dark and negative, plagued by shit, and unable to simply stick my head above the water and Always Look on The Bright Side of Life. I think that makes me somewhat toxic. Not toxic because of abuse. Or nasty. Just. Miserable. A downer.

I know this gets a bit complicated. Because it's also something your dark demons like to whisper to you. Ohh. You suck. You should stay away from people. Uh huh.

I dunno. Let people make their own choices about spending time around me I guess. And of course, don't be the negative shit storm in public. Stick a happier face on. Project if not positivity then support. And remind people of all the positive lessons and nice things and yada. And appreciate those that willingly come and sit with me for a while in the dark places. Good people.

Which is also a good lesson. To me.

Make sure you spend time with people in dark places.

Hold their hand. Sit. And be. Be there for them. 

You can endure much. Be on fire. Crashing to earth. And still be there for someone else. Transformative. I have always had that mindset. You can take absolute shit, burn it through the crucible of yourself, and turn it into something positive for someone else, purged of its negative source. This, really, is a lot of what being a good parent is about I think. Endure shit. Protect the offspring. Let them live in a happier world. For a while anyway.