April 24

 BBQ yesterday.

Ended up going feeling slightly green around the gills, but nothing too alarming. I had eaten a single piece of chocolate for the whole day. It wasn't random. I decided not to eat. But wondered if chocolate was a trigger.

Results ? Inconclusive. A bit of yes. A bit of no. Who knows.

So I ate at the BBQ. Will I get sick ? Yeah. Maybe. Probably. Sausages. Burgers. Even a couple of very mild spicy things. Salad. Bread. Cheese. Bit of chocolate.

No ill effects. Nada, zip, zero, none.

Ok.

Today I got up feeling pretty good, had some baguette and quiche.

Annddd felt queasy about 2 hours later. Nothing terribly bad. But yeah. Definitely. Blerp. The usual shit show symptoms, but mild.

I don't know. Perhaps it's more of a timing thing ? Not sure. Experiments left to do.

Eating the same thing at different times of the day seems to be an experiment I can run. Is it the thing. Or is it the time.

Meh.

Onwards.

Of late I seem to be in a withdrawing mood. Like. Hardcore. I am drifting away from everyone and everything.

I super appreciate people and yada blah. But. I don't know. Of late. That whole. Stranger in a strange land has been coming on strong. Just. Fading out into the background. It's not some miserable turn of mind. Not some cry for help. It's just a. I don't belong here thing. And not in a negative way. Just in a. This isn't me kind of way. Almost. Reverting back to a default self.

I've always said I was fine being on my own. Preferred it. Typically don't get lonely. And when I was a good deal younger. I always floated in the background. No interest in being noticed. No interest in getting involved. Even from a super early age it meant I would always be quiet, find places that I could be without anyone noticing I was there, or was missing, and rather than be part of whatever was going on, I would just observe. An outsider looking in. Again, not some melancholy outsider thing. Just a. Not sure how to explain it. But. This isn't me thing. Alienated. Different. Weird. And of course. As is evidenced in your shrinkology, the more you deviate from the normal, the more weird it gets. Which makes sense. You can think of it as veering off the path by 5 degrees. Keep making that 5 degree turn and you end up... out of sight of that original path.

It's context. Your context ends up so utterly different from everyone else that it can start to get difficult to relate. Difficult to have a conversation. Without it sounding like spiders from mars.

I used to be that to a tee. When I was younger. Completely that way. It's who I was. I was ok with that. More than ok with that. I used to be mildly contemptuous of everyone that lived "in the light". Stupid.

But I seem to have shifted that way lately. Particularly this month.

Perhaps it's because I have stepped down all my social ties. Whereas I was very active out and about, now I am not. A pillar of the goddamn social community. Now I am not. A quiet has returned. And I am ok with that.

I got a big dose of this at the BBQ.

I lapsed in and out of being present. Mostly. I was not present. Ghosted out. Watched the flames dance. Away with the fairies. I am slightly conversant that I must not entirely disappear. It's bad manners. And can freak people out. So. I do come up for air. But yeah. As the conversation rolled around me. I ghosted away.

I think some of it is also that I have become more reticent in opening my mouth. I am listening. But not speaking. And many people will just talk on, and on. And I am cool with that. But it means I almost never talk. Be quiet. It's not universally true. Sometimes I will wake up. But. Yeah. I have noticed that shift in me.

There have been times in my life where I have super embraced the quiet. It's a fascinating exercise. Where say you would normally open your mouth and pitch in into a conversation try not doing that. Try just shutting the fuck up. Entirely. Do not engage. At all. Unless directly engaged. Typically you will find people don't care. Happy to insert their words into the vacuum. But. It changes your thinking. Who you are. After a remarkably short time, it sticks. Everything starts internalising. And. There is a good deal of insight in there. More contemplative. Not interested in writing wrongs. Opinions. Communicating a point. Just. Let it float by.

Float. By.

Disconnected.

Ah.

Ok.

I am not sure if this is a temporary shift - albeit temporary being many weeks if not months rather than a spur of the moment thing - or if it signals a change in me for a longer period. Or permanently.

It certainly leans into the isolation demons that often tell me to just push everyone away. But feels a good deal cleaner. Perhaps it's just more of an insidious version of that. Maybe.

But I am at peace with it.

The world has become too noisy, random, flawed, stupid. I retreat. Into my much smaller sphere of zen. And it is zen. Hmm.

Who knows.

Perhaps it's just one of my "moods".