April 25

 Another day. Another bout of blegh.

Today I eschewed bread. No bready products. I had a mushroom and spinach thinger with potatoes for lunch. Small portion.

Felt ok.

About 3 hours later I did not feel ok. Blurp.

Sigh.

I gritted my teeth and took Athena out for a walk feeling shit.

Whatchagonnado.

The walk helped a little. But I still felt ill by the time I got home. I don't know. It's definitely starting to give me a pavlovian response to eating. I'd. Rather not. Thanks. Eh. We shall see. Tomorrow I will go liquid diet. Soup. And then try something more solid in the evening. But I also really need to eat the exact same things at different times and see if the results vary. A cheese toasty here. A cheese toasty there.

Moving on.

Athena was very happy and bouncy on her walk today. Skipping along. We met a couple of dogs which she said hello to. One we stopped and chatted with. Hello. I've seen you a lot. Oh ? You used to have two didn't you ? Yeah. Used to see them on your roof. Ah. Yeah.

I told them I had lost Ares in August. That cued a one sided conversation about grief and loss. She had lost a cat. Her mom. Grieving was difficult. Yada. Blah. She said she hoped another dog would come into my life soon. I thanked her for the thought.

I was ok with it all. Abstract. Of course. It got me thinking, and then I got sad. It was in control. But yeah. The whole erosion of everything, the passing of time. No permanence when you look up from your feet, expand your sight out to decades. It just all. Evaporates.

It's hard for me to come back down to a single point and enjoy the moment. Almost impossible. Like looking at a tv show. Eh. Meh. Pfft.

Same old shit. Same old me. Fucked up.

Anywho. Apparently I am famous in the neighbourhood. Another kind of famous. Well lah-de-dah.

The itch tickles in the back of my head.

Move. Mooovvvee. Don't tell anyone. Disappear. Move North. Change your name.

Really.

I think one of the things that stops me doing that.. just about.. is the thought that it would be incredibly isolating and is likely a massively self destructive thing to do. But again. It's an intellectual boring argument. The emotional just do it is strong.

Discuss why.

Anyway. We ended up walking around the meadow several times as Athena wasn't ready to come home. Bouncy. Very happy. We sat down for a bit and Athena happily chewed on a stick, taunted me with it and was a waggy tail dog. I coaxed her home. She didn't quite believe me and stayed in the meadow as I walked increasingly far away from her. Eventually she followed. She was tired. But didn't want to go. Silly old lady. Smart. But not wise.

Me and Athena have a very good understanding with each other at this point. Sympatico. As dogs are wont to be anyway. But. She's smart. She gets a lot about me. I get her. And I am kind and easy going and just want to see her happy. So. We're in sync. As such things end up being. Part of each other. Which. Of course. Is great. And terrible. Because. Yeah.

Such is life.

Shitty. Fucking. Stupid. Self aware. Bullshit. Fucking. Life. Or rather. Death.

Anyway. Cheery stuff.

Positives.

Struggling. Again. I am ok. But. Meh.

If you're in the mood to be bored. I waffled on epically today on stream about meaning of life stuff. A thread. It's taxing. I realised. Sorting that shit in my head. Takes its toll. Interesting. The link is below. Which. If you're reading this anytime after a couple of weeks of this being posted, will be dead and gone. Shame.

Philsophy and Art Waffle

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