April 30

 Rough start yesterday, I think the CFS squarely kicked my ass, but by the afternoon I was a good deal better.

All my plans for yesterday went out the window and ended up sitting and playing games for the most part.

Which was ok. Adaptable. And not an entire write off of retreating back to bed. Although. Eh. Mmm. I didn't get up until nearly midday after an attempt in the morning was like the undead rising.

I think on the whole I am improving. Certainly the CFS seems to be retreating, slowly. I am becoming more capable as each month rolls by, and, the real teller, I am suffering less when I step over the line or do too much or yada.

I think also beginning to get a handle on the diet situation is also helping. Everything goes hand in hand with each other, a holistic thing made up of a bunch of separate moving pieces.

Mental health wise I am also doing ok, kinda, albeit, I am "stuck" in several... ADHD like places.... where say the kitchen will go to shit and a combination of mentalry, tiredness et al will stop me doing shit about it. I am beginning to realise I go through ebbs and flows, sometimes I am on top of stuff like that, and other times I just drift and it all becomes too much. Not that uncommon of a pattern with depressive types apparently. You live and learn.

So my month off is done and dusted. Back to work next week. I feel like I'm just beginning to get somewhere and make sense of stuff, and then back to work. Heh. My brother was undoubtedly right when he said I should just do nothing for a year, rest, and then see where I was. Eh well.

I am sanguine about work. It doesn't loom on my horizon. Unphased. I'd rather have six months off and make progress on me. But eh. We'll see how it goes. If it doesn't work out, I'll pull the plug after all. But I doubt it will come to that.

This weekend I plan to do shit. Well. Apart from finish off the ivy in the garden which I am pretty sure caused my CFS to grumble. The ivy is like 85% done out there. Heh. That's ok. Do it bit by bit.

I've also got to sort my eating out. It has been erratic of late what with the various experiment days and bullshit. I've also - as part of the whole drifting through space, hello, is anyone there - completely run out of groceries. I sometimes let this play out. The whole. There is nothing here, you need to eat. Versus. But what if we didn't. What if we just sat and stared at the ceiling.

In a non surprise to me, the ceiling almost always wins out.

Which is another thing this month.

I seem to be losing huge chunks of time. It just. Goes. I can easily lose 3 hours and have zero clue what I did with it. Just. Drifting off. Into space. I don't feel it. I just notice that where it was 4pm, it's now 7pm.

Uh huh.

Good ? Bad ? Resting ? Finally letting go of shit ? Or just entering a stupor ?

In any case. I don't suffer with it. It's not a trial or misery. So. Relatively speaking. It's pleasant.

Perhaps it's just me confusedly wandering around the concept of "resting". What. The. Fuck. Is. This. And you say you do nothing ? Incredible. How ?

Ha ha.

It's not that simple though. It's something altogether more........ neuro atypical... as we say today.

Positives

Doing alright. Feeling alright. You know. Within the usual bullshit parameters. But doing alright. Enjoying doing a bit of art. Nothing too much to worry about. Heating is still broken. It joins a long list of you know you need to sort that out right. Yeah. Ok. Right after I bother getting anything to eat. What if. We didn't do any of that. And just sat. And stared at the ceiling. Well. If you put it like that. Lets stare at that ceiling !