April 5

 Ok.

So. I think this time off is going to end up being a bit of a journey. Which. I wasn't expecting.

Yesterday I tried something different.

A fasting day.

Because if eating shit is perhaps making me ill. Fuck it. Don't eat. However. That can also be bad. But eh.

So I did that. Fasting day. But also didn't feel particularly great. Not mentally. Not physically. Stuck in a bit of a twilight state. Which. Eh. Can sometimes be a thing when I fast. Not often. But. It can be a bit of a shock to the system in the wrong context.

So yesterday I fasted and bassssiiiccaalllyyyyy curled up into a ball. And watched TV. Slept. Watched TV. Slept.

Which is not a great pattern for me in the last couple of years since I got super ill, because it pulls me back to a place where I could hardly get out of bed, and leans into dealing with feeling ill by just sinking into half oblivion. Which kinda works. And kinda doesn't.

So. Tricky.

But I didn't feel super green. I felt a bit better.

After 24 hours of fasting I ate something, felt ok, but was super tired by evening.

But it seems to me something is seriously up, not just a rest thing at all, which was always the likely outcome, but, eh. Knowing that, and experiencing that are two different things. And I am not sure how I feel about it. It's. Not. Cool.

I am struggling a little with not just giving into the exhaustion and just curling up in a ball all day... every day.

So. As it turns out. This time off. I have a bit of a ... fight... on my hands.

This is not restful. This is exploratory. Combative. Tricky.

Today, I feel a little.. tiny bit... green. And exhausted. Not a good start. I am not entirely sure what I should plan for today. I don't think I will fast again. I might try changing my eating around a bit. Don't know. Stumbling around in the dark here a bit. This is where some solid medical advice would be good. Ha.  

Eh well, early days, just roll with it for some days and see how it all falls out. But yeah. Make no mistake this is not some happy clappy time off vacation shit. This is a struggle. Meh.

Part of me wants to get on and do stuff. A little part of me. The greater part of me is just blehhhhh I dont feeeelll gooood. And I can't stomach doing anything. In a twisted way, sometimes when I am in bed and feel a little better, I lie there and daydream about what I am gonna do. Oh I need to do this. I want to do that. By the time I am out of bed for 5 minutes, I just feel shit, and all of that slides sideways as I just focus on trying not to feel unwell.

Uh huh.

Trying to find a stable solution where I don't feel unwell.

Today feels like it's going to be hard again. A strong pull to retreat and curl into a ball. I don't know. Fight it ? Lean into it ? Unf.

Positives

Struggling. Can't see shit at the moment. All is bleak. All the positives are sunk beneath the waves of blerrg. Hmmm. I guess. I am thankful that I am in a position where I don't need to do anything and I can just... not have to struggle with any life shit on top of what I am going through. That's a luxury and a half. That's definitely a positive.

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