April 6

 Heating is on the blink.

Turns on, stays on. In my fairly long history of being in this house, this is not the first or even the second time this has happened. I can't summon the energy to sort it out however. I suspect it is once again the thermostat. Just to confirm I need to switch the power off and pull the stat off the wall and turn it all back on again - without the stat, just bare wires. It's an old school stat, so, live power, 240v zipping through it. Not one to just poke about in with the power on. If it is the stat, the heating will not come on with it wrenched off the wall. If it's not the stat - then the heating will come on regardless. The modern thermostats are utter shit. In theory they should last forever. In practice they futz out every 5 years, sometimes 12 months. I think they dont do well with the live current. Whatever it is. Shit design.

For the moment. I really cannot summon the energy to tinker with it. So. I am resorting to manually switching off the heat.

Of course logically it makes no sense. I will probably burn more energy manually switching the heating off every 4 hours.

But no one said it was about logic.

My queasy feelings have slowly subsided. Not feeling too terrible. On a diet of zero pepper, light eating, and being careful of any "triggers". It seems to be having an effect. Or is coincidental. If it's not coincidental, then you can say that some things trigger me. Once triggered I am in a "triggered" state for around 4 or 5 days, and many things can then continue the trigger. I suspect if I am not in a triggered state I am a little more robust.

Uh huh.

More testing required.

Needless to say, before the Event of Bullshit, I never used to get triggered from eating anything.

This also isn't a million miles away from how I felt last year. I had to restrict my diet down to small and bland.

Despite feeling less queasy, I am mentally and .. in other physical ways, not doing great. I am struggling to pull myself out a hole most days. Interestingly I went and streamed for several hours yesterday, despite really not feeling like it at all. And. It made my mood improve.

What ?

Interesting !

Is it that I talk to myself ? But not in a shitty nihilistic way ? Hmmmm.

Anyway. I think I am struggling with the extra time on my hands which is allowing me to see where I am. And it's not good. Suffering a whole bunch. Perhaps this all gets better over time. The first powerwash of accumulated shit off of me. Perhaps.

Today I am fitting and starting. Not. Too. Terrible. Not good either. And I am struggling to maintain anything. Flickering. Like a faulty bulb.

I did a little washing up today. The whole. Do just a little when you can. So I did. The house is a disaster. Again. Reflective. But maybe there are signs of a few positive shoots there. A small step upwards in mood. Queasy falls into the rear view mirror. Managing a diet.

But at the moment, any ambition or motivation is zero. Zero spark. Zero magic. Dead inside.

Peace. You've walked many dark paths without oxygen. Do not panic. Do not self flagellate. Wait. Rest. It will pass.

It's a fairly strong mantra in me these days. It's happened a lot, so, I tend to believe it. Even though it's a purely intellectual argument, and, by and large, that has zero to little power to reverse mentalry or emotions, it's a very well trod one, and, eveything else in me grudgingly acknowledges that it is a bit of a pattern. That the intellect might have a point.

Still. Equally strong. Fuck you. No it won't. Things work until they don't. Duh.

There are so many things I need to do. Need is a strong word. But. Can't do them. Stuck, for the moment, in limbo. Just watching time fall away. Waiting. I think in many ways I could do with living in a very minimal house. Like. A padded cell. Ha ha. But seriously. Something wherein when you get pulled down in the dark, there's not much there for you to maintain or worry about. I think perhaps this is also a little part of me trying to minimalise over the last decade. Ejecting shit. Less to worry about.

Positives

Hopefully. Things are very slowly starting to improve all round. Hopefully. We shall see. The managed diet seems to be working. Early days. But uh huh.