April 9

 Had a pretty active couple of days - Thursday, chiro, dog walk, picked up some DIY supplies, pulled the thermostat off the wall, chopped up some wood, did stuff. Friday a similar schedule, but with a doc visit instead of chiro. Ooh. Very. Active.

I didn't crash. Felt ok.

Asthma was shit. But, otherwise. Alright.

I think my suspicions about food triggers might be paying off.

That said, yesterday, out of the blue, whilst installing a new thermostat I suddenly turned green, nauseous, tired, blehhh. Went and had a lie down.

But in the scale of things it didn't last long. I then backtracked, ok, what did I eat.

A Greggs sausage roll ? A random packet of crisps ?

Maybe the sausage roll had pepper in it, I didn't really think. But. Uh huh. Possibly a repeatable experiment.

I literally didn't eat arse all except that all day, so, it very much narrows it down !

There are two things currently clouding my anxiety horizon. And such is the way of things, it's not their size, just their shadow that is the issue. That's how anxiety works. Anxiety can turn molehills into monstrous all devouring mountains.

The first is the stupid thermostat. I have ripped it off the wall. Gave it a primitive test. Installed a new one. Still fuzted. This means it's either the other end, or the wiring is kaput. Either way, meh, I think at this point I need to get someone to look at it. Which means I need to clear a bunch of crap up. Try to get hold of an impossible to get hold of heating dude. Not have them just fuck off ( like the last two ) and do nothing, and yada blah.

It's a hassle. Anxiety inducing. As stupid as that may or may not be.

The second anxiety is Athena.

She's really slowing down of late. Her age is beginning to bite hardcore. It's not a simple linear thing, at times she can bounce around - well, bounce around like an old lady - and have some energy about her. But increasingly, she's sleepy. And slow. And trots at best rather than runs. And is stiff. And her behaviour slowly changes. She has a ball at home, a big blue indestructible ball which is her favourite thing in all the world. She used to take a lot of her energy and excitement out on it and bang around the kitchen and bathroom with it. She hasn't touched it in weeks. I've been keeping a very close eye on her. And watching that oh so subtle and insidious decline.

To the point I am now worried. I know it is all inevitable. But. There is hurt in there watching the super lively active girl I once knew creak around. It has started to make me reassess how long I have left with her. The weeks, let alone the months, are now beginning to count. Their lives are so short anyway, a year to them is like an age to us. A month or so for them, is like a year to us. Perhaps she will get a bit of bounce back, we've been out a lot lately, so, that whilst fun for her, doesn't help her energy levels. But. Even so. Yeah.

She is absolutely living her best life at the moment. She loves seeing Hazel and Poppy. Is getting to meet lots of dogs. And go on high quality walks - no trotting along the pavement, we take a ride to somewhere nice and green with lots of smells, and spend all our time in "good" places. Hazel dotes on her. She can see the shift as well.

So. I am very much doing 100% of what I can do for her.

Still.

Yeah.

Oh well.

Fuck it eh. Plaster that smile on your face and carry on.

Yesterday we went to a dog park. Which isn't super interesting for Athena. She hadn't been there before, so had a sniff around the grass and tree border, but, ha, she's a high quality countryside nature rambler, so, this was 2 out of 5 stars. She did however get to meet a couple of other mutts. A bulldog, who was absolutely fascinated by her, and had his head up her ass for half the time ( an attempted mount got a rude fuck you reaction from Athena who barked at him and told him in no uncertain terms that was not ok ). And a happy puppy of 4 months old. I was sitting on the floor by the time the other dogs came in. So. Of course. I was dog central. The puppy decided my lap was the best place to be and jumped enthusiastically into it. Whilst the bulldog then also tried to repeat the trick, lumped his heavy front half into my lap and gave me a thorough kissing and long hug. Poppy and Athena also got in on the action.

I was a slobbery mud streaked mess. But that's ok.

The humans chatted. Which I pretty much ignored sitting on the floor.

Dogs are my people.

I like people. And think they are amazing and unique and yada.

But. Dogs are my people. I grok them. I think they grok me too. I'm slightly different. Hugging a bulldog at his level on the grass of a dog park for instance. It's cool. There is a simplicity about it. Dogs are smart. But they don't operate in the same way we do. Their world is less complicated. Less fucked up. They have a different zen, happy kind of world space. It's lovely to visit it. Even if it's just for a short while. In many ways, dogs have it figured out. They don't engage in the same fucked up, over thinking, deeply intellectual way we do. It is indeed, much more zen. Fuck the noise. Enjoy the stick.

So.

Ignoring how old Athena is getting gets slowly more challenging everyday. Until, I can't do that anymore. And have to start facing it down. And properly preparing. Whilst simultaneously still giving her all I can. Tricky. It was "tricky" with Ares. It's going to be tricky with Athena.

Still. Who knows. Next week it might be all peace and light.

Time, however, is a one way street. No matter how fucking chipper you are.

Positives.

Getting a handle on not feeling shit all the time. Beginning to actually noodle around and do things. So. That's got to be good eh ? Today will be a rest day. Athena really needs it. So. No going out today. And I think I might noodle with some art. And I should start sorting out the house so I can call a stupid heating dude on Monday.