Jun 10

 50 50 day yesterday.

Half of it ill. Half of it not.

On reflection I am struggling to keep an upright ship at the moment. I realise I am doing a poor job of looking after myself - my energy I think has been going into Athena - and stuff around the house has fallen behind again, I am in and out of bed, med schedules are non existent, and, eh, yeah, all... a bit... sketchy.

I wonder if it was something I ate on Monday that has kicked off several days of bleh. Something spicy. I did eat it with a side bar of knowledge that ooh, this may affect me, but, probably not, pretty sure I've had this before.

Yeah. Uh huh. Belatedly I wonder if oh, ah, yeah, maybe that wasn't good. I also wonder if I am getting slowly worse in that respect. Eh well. If it is just something I ate on Monday, then, silver lining, don't eat that again, problem solved.

I also think on reflection that if that's true it would definitely fall into an IBS type pattern. An attack for several days. In my case, it makes me feel utterly shit. Possible.

My plans for this week are in absolute tatters. No work done on shit. I am also struggling to not feel like a failure about it. Yes. I know better than that. But still. Somethings in life can be a repeating struggle despite knowing the answer. Answers tell you the right path to take. Not the same thing as getting to the end of that path ( there's never an end ).

Been off the mental meds most of the week. Not for any reason. Just because. I am struggling to look after myself. Ah. Oh. Uh huh. So far. Eh. It's not left me in a dribbling pit of misery. Albeit I suspect a whole bunch of interesting neuro effects going on this week are probably the come down.

Mad Frog Pills Out. Libido Up. That's how that works. Ish. The oft stated side effect to a lot of those class of pills is some sexual dysfunction malarkey. The common one not being able to orgasm. Which is hilariously ironic given that an orgasm is your best natural feel good factor. The stabilising pills kill it. Ho. Ho. Ho.

That being said, at nearly 50 years old, I think the libido is beginning to stutter into sleeping mode. Fading away to zero. Or a hell of a lot less than it used to be. Hard to say because it's difficult to entangle general mood, meds, et al, from an actual baseline. Nevertheless, eh, yeah, probably about the right age. Not that this sort of crap gets talked about too much in the older generations. And the chatty younger generations - where stuff like sexual dysfunction is freely shared in passing ( well done, very healthy, wayyyyyyyyy better than the boomers ! ) - haven't got there yet.

Whilst Athena was snuggling with me yesterday I had a very gentle look at her wound. Cleaned a tiny amount up that was furthest away. She was fine with it. And let me very gently look around the main wound. She looked at me a few times, and I saw a muscle jump once, but she was relaxed. I get it missus. Still a bit sore. I asked her if we should properly clean it today or not. She didn't reply. I said I wasn't sure either. We'll leave it then. It's good to have a team chat about it. Heheh.

As it turns out there are a few other dings and holes around that wound. Smaller in scale, enough to have scabbed up though. Teeth punctures.

I am still debating when to take her out. Almost did yesterday. Might do today. Mmm. I don't wanna run a risk of tearing a wound open - I think there's one on her side that's a doozy and a few inches long.

My plans for today. Sit. Rest. Wait to see if and when I get ill. Retreat to bed. Wile away the day asleep or snoozing.