Jun 12

 Ill for much of yesterday. Queasy. Blerp. Ho hum.

I didn't eat a huge amount during the day, but still felt sick. Ate something in the afternoon. Eh. Not much change.

Hmmm.

I am getting a handle on how much this actually affects me - it's very debilitating. It literally carves chunks out of the day where I am a write off. I feel so ill that I can't think straight or concentrate. And I go to bed. Where, inevitably, it gives me relief for a while, from the ongoing bullshit. For other periods of the day I grit my teeth and my concentration wobbles as the feeling of illness waxes and wanes.

It is. No bueno.

Today is the first day in a while that I haven't felt horribly ill. Don't get me wrong, I don't feel terrific, fragile, bruised. But. So far. Not that super bad I have to go to bed.. again... type feeling.

Whether it lasts. Pfft.

Think I might just stick to water today. Not even tea.

Blerg. It's messing with my head. Everything you think about eating feels like a potential hand grenade. It makes you shy of eating stuff. No. I don't want to be ill. Thank you.

Docs tomorrow. I get to discuss all the data. See what they think.

Wednesday I am due in at the office to be there for a couple of clients coming down from Sheffield. If I am not there, eh, a lot of details will not get discussed. I need to be there.

Ordinarily I'd wrap this up into a weekend stay down with the family. But. My brothers place is in the throes of being decorated - floor wise. And. Also. The whole don't wanna put Athena through the .. not terrifically behaved nipping pupper thing. So. I think I will go to the office, come straight home. I should probably pop into my brothers at the very least. Feels a bit weird though. In my head. See how I feel I guess. Jeez, if I feel like shit, I wont be going anywhere ! But eh. I will do my very best. Grit my teeth. Swallow the nausea. Stand on your feet til you collapse. It's just half a day.

Back on my mental meds. Very very slowly tidying the house. Super. Slowly. So. There's that.

Not feeling any joy or hope or yada atm. Just. Treading water. Sometimes I look out the window, see a nice day, the trees blowing in the wind. And I can feel I am not there. It's a nice day somewhere I don't exist. Can't feel it. Weird. And not cool.

Ah well. Another day. Another bill. Ho ho.

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