Jun 24

 It would seem that I have slumped into a proper deep depression.

Whilst on my meds.

That's a first.

Admittedly it's not the usual descent into hell, the roll of the dice about how nuts you go first, from somewhat to .. total... Been there, done that. Repeatedly. Not good. This time that has been.. mostly.. absent. Which is not to say I've been perfectly sane of late. Some days more than others have been a struggle. Super amounts of disassociation. But. Not literally beating my head against a wall or wandering around outside in a daze ( yikes, did that last year. Big yikes.)

This time I've just slumped into a debilitating ... depression. I kinda clocked it today. Oh. Wait. I know what this shit is. That perpetual state of low level anxiety combined with misery. A state so intense you have that physical manifestation, the stone in the gut, the weight on your shoulders, that awful feeling of something traumatic you've just been through ( even though there isn't anything - you can feel the same chemicals, the same body response. Like just having had the most awful fight with someone ).

And the true kicker.

It doesn't go away. That's the true tell tale sign. All that shit. But it doesn't go away. The switch has been flicked, this is your new normal.

To be honest there is some relief in there that I suddenly know where I am. From a place of struggling to stay upright, going backwards, fretting about this that and the other. And then knowing. Oh. I know this place. And the training kicks in. This is OK. It will pass. Don't beat yourself up. Give yourself a break. Be nice to yourself. Shitty. But. Chill.

And it shifts slightly.

The understanding of where you are and the path you have ahead helps so much. I can remember when I first went through a hardcore depressive spike. 6 months off sick from work. All sorts of phobias popping up. A complete inability to cope at first. And then a slow understanding. An explanation. And it got better.

I think it gives you a small amount of control. Not to say you can switch it on or off. But. Like a long journey, you suddenly understand the map. You're still stuck on the motorway. But now you know the way. And some idea of what's gonna happen along the way. Or even a rough idea of time.

It will be interesting to see how persistent this depressive spike is. I'm already medicated. So. Possibly. It could be short. Maybe not. The meds tend to blunt everything, take away the deepest points, smooth everything out. But it's an imperfect science and different meds do different things.

Hazel in the past has called me a "high functioning depressive". Meaning. I could hold down a job basically. And kinda... keep a house going. Funnily enough I see that term is now beginning to appear in psych literature. Hazy. Ill defined. Unscientific ( as they note, it has no proper definition in the DSM bible ). But nevertheless it's getting used.

At this point I am losing my "high functioning" bit. Always tired. Which. Of course is not helped with all the health bullshit. But I am finding a siren call to bed. Sleeping often takes away much of the pain. Both mental and physical. When everything else hurts, sleep is a refuge and you are constantly exhausted. Guess what.

Wednesday, 5.30pm, stopped work. Went to bed. And slept. And slept. Got up at 8.30am the following day. 14 hours of sleep. By midday of Thursday, I was back in bed. For a nap.

I am tired. I don't want to be anything but asleep. In a grim way perhaps, it is a shadowing of just not wanting to be here. Happier not in the real world. As traditionally "bad" as that sounds, I cannot say I find it crazy. Illogical. Stupid. It seems to me a very sane and collected conclusion.

So.

I am. Not. Just sitting here moping. "Moping". Well. Mostly I am. Almost entirely I am. But. I am also trying to think of ways to break it. Do something positive. How can I help this shift. I think I need to do somethings out of the ordinary. Change the routine. Where I need to do shit. Or talk to people. It's a bit like surprising the sub conscious. Smack it round the back of the head with a trout. Hey. What ? Like the single focus of a dog. You need to snap its attention off of something bad, and onto something else.

This is no easy mountain to climb.

A hundred demons hold you back. Don't do that. Stay. Sleep. Too much effort. Stay. Sleep. You can't do that. It would be shit anyway. Sleep. All that stuff is pointless. Mesmerise the stupid monkey. You know that. You can see through that. Just sleep.

Mmmmugghhh.

Whilst wading through the shit yesterday. Took Athena out for a walk. Grit your teeth. Scream internally. Take the lovely old lady out. So we had a pleasant mid evening walk around the meadow. Relatively low energy Athena. Perhaps it was the heat. Perhaps it's her age. We saw a few rabbits. Tiny. Babies. And not very predator adjusted. Back in the day both Ares and Athena loved scanning the horizon for rabbits and giving chase, diving into brambles at the end. These days, Athena is too old for that shit. That being said. One particular bunny was clueless. 10m away. We can clearly see each other. No movement. Mmm k. Usually they are very shy and bounce away from 50m away.

Risky Ms bunny.

2m away. The rabbit is still munching whilst looking at us. Uhh. Ok. It seems like we're going to have Athena actually sniff/encounter a rabbit. This is.. going to be... new. We got so close I actually clicked at Athena to hold her up / tell her to chill. I didn't want her grabbing a baby - I doubted she would, but you never know. As Athena literally got to sniff distance it finally bounced away into the brambles. Very very close. If Athena was a fox, that would be fox dinner.

Athena sat and sniffed at the brambles for the next 5 minutes. Did you see that ? Yes. It's in here ! I know. Heh.

We did another lap and came back to the same spot. Two baby bunnies this time. But Athena didn't spot them. She did however sniff the "bunny bramble" again for a few minutes. Hey ! This is the bramble a bunny went into ! Yes, I know. It could still be in here !

Heh. Dogs. Permanently at that child like level of wonder and discovery. Everything is amazing. Everything is an adventure. What a lovely way to be.