Jun 27

 The last few days have been bad.

Tired, ill, depressed as fuck. All working in a feedback loop with each other.

There are moments where I pop out above the surface, like a bottle thrown into the sea that suddenly breaks above the waves. A gasp of air and sunlight and then beneath the tumult again. Strange. The relief of that brief gasp of air is tangible. The descent back horrific. Sometimes it maintains for an evening. Or half a day. A reprieve.

Everything has turned into a bit of a blur of suffering. And yesterday I started to hardcore lose my grip on reality. Again. A dangerous place to be. Every thought, every.. thing.. becomes strange.. surreal.. dark.. awful. It's hard to describe. There are no normal thoughts. Everything is distorted. Even the most mundane of things. Taking a breath. Sunlight through a curtain. It's all twisted. And awful. Like a head full of whispers. But. It's you. You cannot feel *any* of the touchstones of reality. Not of where you are, a bedroom, or anything around you. Or any routine. Anyone. It's. Very weird. And horrible. Like falling through a hole into hell.

So you drift on this hellscape. You can't feel what normal is. You have an idea, a memory of what things mean. But it has no feeling there. It's like words written on a page talking about something you've never experienced.

Perhaps than, that's half the thing. A total disassociation. Where you can no longer feel anything normal. Which is disorienting to say the least. And nothing makes sense anymore. The rules all change. It makes sense. I have been disassociating pretty hard lately, and not coming out of it. You can feel it on a walk. Looking at the trees. And the sky. The ground. Nothing feels real. Like walking in a simulation. It's a good simulation. But there's no feel there. It's trapped behind a screen. Fake. All fake. It's not some thought experiment. Not some idle idea that you wonder what that would be like. It's a bone deep knowing state. It's not an intellectually driven thing, it's an animal deep thing. Everything feels fake. Wrong. It leaves your intellectual bit on top of it, like a seasick sailor on top of an unknown choppy sea. Not a point for polite debate. Wouldn't it be weird if.... no. More like. Holy fuck what the hell is going on.

I was hit yesterday by everything plus a dose of aches and pains and then.. a migraine. Everything at once. Sick. Ill. Depressed. Aching. Migraine. Disassociating hardcore.

Not good. Super not good. Edge of existence not good. My thoughts quickly turned to ending it all. No way to live. Just end it. Finish it. Someone please let me die. I Curled into a ball in bed. And suffered. And let time pass. Drifting in and out of horrible dozing.

Before I knew it, six hours had passed. The migraine had subsided to grumbles across my forehead. Focused over my right eye. The nausea had faded to merely a "bad feeling". Got up. Fed Athena. Went online.

And stayed on the right side of crazy for the evening. Better.

Today. I feel fragile. On slowly waking up I felt horribly ill as I climed up through conscious. That half awake state and I felt rough as fuck. By the time I woke up and everything was pumping, it had passed. But down there in that state. Shit is not right.

I mean. Meh. Nothings right with me atm. So. Pfft.

And my grip on reality is tenuous. I can feel it scratching at the edges, a single odd thought away. I am walking along that edge again. Big yikes.

There is a definite diurnal pattern going on at the moment. The days can be a crawling horror. The evenings slack off. Not always true. But. More often than not. Not sure what to make of it. A clue for something, but what it is, I don't know.

I need to try very hard to change some short term patterns going on with me at the moment. I think I need to get out more. Do stuff. Do things I haven't done before. I really need to go swimming, just as a change of pace. I planned to go on Friday. To change shit up. But. I got ill. Of course. So I didn't go.

I am fighting a multi front battle. At the moment. I am not winning. Ho hum. Time. Grit your teeth. Let time pass.

Oh. Disassociation. Here's a snip from the official blurb.

"Dissociative disorders usually develop as a way to cope with trauma".

Uh huh. Well shit.