Bork Slowly Borking

 Had a good day yesterday. A little nausea that shifted. Chilled out. Went swimming. Didn't collapse afterwards. In fact I did a short grocery shop afterwards in a cloud of pool chlorine. Today I feel somewhat rough. Deeper nausea today. So. The pattern seems to have shifted. Now I am getting nausea which has zero to do with what I'm eating - with the proviso that I am only eating what I know is largely safe for me. Now the nausea comes often a short while after I wake up. And sometimes in the afternoon. Perhaps this is just the rise and fall of my internal hunger, and my stomach getting more... acidy. Nevertheless. Shit clearly aint right. But. It's largely tolerable at the moment, although very far from good. At least at the moment, the nausea does seem to shift after.. a while. It does rather lead you back to the whole - the medical profession literally doesn't give a shit however. Clearly a problem. Clearly persistent. Eh. Have you tried just fucking off and not bo

 Queasiness has been ghosting with me every day. Not as bad as it has been, but, enough. Enough to kill appetite, stomp on motivation to do shit all except feel ill and do little. Meh. Mentally I am just about holding the line. Some days are better. Some days are worse.  All in all I am above water. Had a hella long walk on Monday, 7km with the Athena. With plenty of water dips along the route. It was too long really. Too long for her. Definitely too long for me. Afterwards I had a lot of real bruised up muscles in all sorts of funny places ( one on my hip bizarrely ), but eh, I was out walking with friends. Me and Athena both limped around in the afternoon, but she was fine by the evening. Me. I'm still carrying the aches more than 2 days later. Hazel pinged me this week. Not doing good. Altercations with her neighbours. Isolated. Hot. Miserable. So we went out for a walk this evening. Or rather a visit to the dog park. She likes going there and meeting all the other dogs. Not sup

 And just like that, I run face first into a shit day. I am still mulling over exactly what happened, and how, if at all, it fits into the bigger picture. The morning started lacking in energy, but eh, ok. By midday I felt.. off. Queasy. Weak. By the early afternoon I had a suspect headache, my legs were wobbly, queasy, just not all there at all. Really. Fucking. Ill. It had a very familiar feel to it. I went and had a nap. Which didn't do much at all. Then I ate. Which didn't seem to do much at all. I napped again. And slowly and surely the headache shifted by about 6pm, my symptoms lifted, and I felt.. back to ballpark reasonableness. I'm not sure what to make of it. It had the same feel to a lot of the stuff I've been suffering in the last year and more. It's appearance and disappearance were quite... stark. Switch on. Switch off. Perhaps it's not. Perhaps it's just a threshold thing, when it gets bad enough it's debilitating. When it's not I can

 Cooled significantly today. It was 40C according to the car on Monday. Today it reported 21C. An insane difference in 72 hours. Athena was full of beans this morning. Tired of sitting indoors. Bouncy. Eager. Ok ok. So first thing, after a 10 minute sit down to properly wake up, I took her out for a walk. Very happy about it. All bounces and running around. Crazy old lady. Yaayyy we get to go out. Yes, because its not insane temperature outside. Athena does not care the reason. Lets goooo. We had a nice walk, several dips in the river, and she behaved as an exemplary older citizen around all the pooches we crossed paths with. One was courteous enough to keep her young bouncy dog away from Athena. She commented Athena was old, but how old. Past 12 and a half. Ohh. You've done very well to get her that far ! Uh huh. She's doing well. Past her warranty. Still going. We walked a fair bit. Tired when I got home. Had a nap. Then went for a swim in the afternoon. Somewhat taking the p

 The ship continues to right itself. Crazies have faded to a background murmur, my stomach is.... mmm... mostly behaving, and all in all starting to properly come out of that negative gravity well. That being said, last night I had another "funny turn". Pain in stomach. Got up. Had the shits... light headed... going to pass out. Hit the bathroom floor in a hurried lie down right now or fall down. I endured a horrible 10 minutes on the floor. Time fades. Gasping for breath. Both arms tingling. Feel like death. Light headed. I stabilised. Pulled myself up. Decided I needed a quick cool shower in the heat. Up for 20 seconds before my head started going again. Whistling ears, pins and needles in both arms, vision darkening. Oh boy oh boy oh boy.  I literally staggered the length of the house to collapse naked on the sofa. Panting. Almost passing out. And slowly. Stabilised. Whee. Fun. Some point later I took myself off to bed, switched off the light - my vision was full of explod

 Doing better again. I seem to be climbing out of the hole at last. No great reason why. My health has stabilised somewhat - albeit early hours of the morning my stomach turned over really nauseous.. but I slept it off. My mood has.. eh.. it's still very likely clinically depressed. But. I'm ok with it. Stable. My mind is somewhat skipping off down dark paths if I let it. I don't feel kindly inclined towards people at the moment. At least. Those people that can't be arsed. Which I understand. But at the same time. Fuck you buddy. But I have to let it go. I am being too unforgiving, it happens rarely when I come out of a stormy patch. I think it's something to do with anger and left to muddle through alone. Something along the lines of, thanks for the help, and fuck you. Before inevitably my peaceful side just takes it in stride as people being people and the way of the world. I dunno. Haven't done a lot. Pottered around and did some cleaning. Which. Is pretty ph

 A better couple of days. But it's a struggle. Fighting hard. Wavering between isolation and not. At times I get the teeth gritted will to push myself, others I just slump. It comes in fits and starts. I am fighting very hard. The meds are absolutely helping. Without them I would disappear down a rabbit hole for months. But still. A hard grind along the floor even with meds, which is.. new. Thursday I teetered on the edge. So I went swimming again. Was good. Tired. Shaky. But good. I doubled down. Went round to Hazels to fix her broken wall. Even though I was tired. And shaky. Fuck it. 20 minutes later I was back home. And took Athena for a walk. I was aware I was taking the piss. Hard burn for me these days. But I seem to have scraped through. Although Friday. Friday I ended up mostly doing nothing and bouncing in and out of crappy sleep. So. Maybe that was the CFS price. Maybe. It certainly seemed to do my mentalry good, if not my physical. Hilarious rock and a hard place. Haven&

 It has been a difficult couple of weeks. It's pretty damn clear I am in the grip of a fairly consuming major depressive turn. A lot of the time I am locked in a personal hell. Some of that time I lose my marbles. My thoughts become sketchy. Reality shifts. The world is misery. I know. That it's just me. Well. Kind of. I know the world right now is also less than stellar. But. I know it's me. My internals. I cannot control better days from bad. I have no say in stopping and starting. It just is. And there is no great rhyme or reason to it. Not because I am alone or hungry or angry or something happened. Just the rise and fall of biochemicals. The days are pretty much repetition incarnate. Don't get me wrong. There are things that can help a bit, or hurt.. a lot. But it's building sandcastles in the breakers. Physically I feel weird. Off. Dipping in and out of mildly ill. I've had far worse. But it's like a disharmonious orchestra. And it's ominous. It th

This is probably the last one of these I will write for sometime. A strange kind of quiet mood has overtaken me, not of peace, much more depressive. Quiet. Hopeless. Resigned. That kind of thing. It's not. As terrible as it could be. But I feel hollowed out. I have stuck myself back on a half dose of the stomach meds. Overall, the nausea has oh so slowly abated day after day. Far from perfect. But. It has stabilised a little. My eating is still all over the show. A lot of not eating a lot at all. With the odd day of stuffing an entire pizza. It kind of. Seems to mostly work. I have a super strong urge to isolate again. But. This time it's a little different. I am at peace with it. Just drift away. Fade out.  My mood does bump into nasty territory at times. And a realisation that, hour to hour, it's only Athena's presence that truly keeps me tied to the floor. When she goes. I am free. I don't mean that as in she's a burden to me. She most definitely is not. Nor