July 4th

This is probably the last one of these I will write for sometime.

A strange kind of quiet mood has overtaken me, not of peace, much more depressive. Quiet. Hopeless. Resigned. That kind of thing. It's not. As terrible as it could be. But I feel hollowed out.

I have stuck myself back on a half dose of the stomach meds. Overall, the nausea has oh so slowly abated day after day. Far from perfect. But. It has stabilised a little. My eating is still all over the show. A lot of not eating a lot at all. With the odd day of stuffing an entire pizza. It kind of. Seems to mostly work.

I have a super strong urge to isolate again. But. This time it's a little different. I am at peace with it. Just drift away. Fade out. 

My mood does bump into nasty territory at times. And a realisation that, hour to hour, it's only Athena's presence that truly keeps me tied to the floor. When she goes. I am free. I don't mean that as in she's a burden to me. She most definitely is not. Nor was Ares. And if I could magic the world as I wished, they would pad around with me through life forever, and I would give them the best life I could.

I had a rough morning today. My dreams tormented me. The people I had lost out of my life. That I still love. And Ares came to visit me in my dream. I hugged him and told him I missed him. And cried. I could even smell him in my dream as I hugged him. A reassuring presence. My strong Ares.

He was again that slightly confused thing about why I was so sad and to not be sad about him. How he communicated it I can't tell you. But he did.

And dreams about school. And the futility of it all.

All of it hurt. That punched stomach feeling. An apple corer that has gouged you out.

Needless to say I woke up in a state of crawling awfulness and loss.

Oh well.

A lot of things have gone through my mind lately. But. I can no longer be bothered to catch them. I just let them drift away. I was told off a very long time ago for doing that. Letting them evaporate.

Anyway.

I feel a great isolation descending. Away from everyone. I'd give you a coin flip of me losing my marbles. I suspect it doesn't help. But. Feels different this time.

Oh. Well. That sounds like you're depressed !

Uh huh. Very good.

Perhaps I shall rise again like I have before. Can never tell. Shit changes. Circumstances shift.

All in all I feel very in tune with the world. The world itself seems to be going to utter shit. Dark times ahead. People are growing frantic and scared and angry and blah. And the inevitable car crash slowly unfolds. People it seems are helpless to avoid the coming dark age.

I feel like I am riding on that wave in a zen state of zombieness. A numbed out zen of despair and hopelessness.

I just need a quiet chair to watch the world burn and for myself to fade away to a memory.

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